My Hubbys Ex

RichyRich

I really think you need specialised legal advice.

If you really can't afford a solicitor, as a poster above mentioned, call your local CAB who may be able to advise you. Though saying that it might be an idea to call a different CAB to your local one if it's anything like mine, where they don't pick up the phone.

If you can't get to the CAB or it isn't an option for whatever reason some solicitors offer a free half hour session - maybe you could see him/her to assess your case and decide whether it would be worth going forward.

As regards the comments about your integrity and status, I really don't think that they have any place on these boards. It is my belief that it is best to try help people with the situation they put forward: the other party would be free to come on and ask advice and as far as I'm concerned I would accept their side of the story and give them the same level of detailed advice. I don't know either of you, both of you obviously have your own viewpoint, there are two sides to every story and it would not be fair for me to make a judgment about which one of you is right and which is wrong under the circumstances of a public internet forum where nobody knows the "real" identity of anyone else.

If it helps I have a "Family Law" text book which I don't use. It's a little bit out of date so I don't know exactly how useful it would be (and regrettably I;m not in a position to look up specifics for you at present) but if you want, if you PM me your address I will send it to you so that you can get a bit of background on the situation.

Good luck
Rich

grem_2

poppyscorner - you are coming across as defensive. I think grey lady made a balanced post by also including the comment (and wisdom)

Just in case your not mean and are just frustated with the situation and i misunderstand - im going to attempt towards being helpful,
you cant change his ex, you cant change what happened, all you can do is change your responses towards it. That will influence change far more than you realise.

Maybe you are too close to the situation right now and need to take an emotional step backwards?

It's not a contest to see who the 7 1/2 yo says she would rather be with at that moment (she quite possibly says the same to her own mum when she's with her mum - that's how fickle children can be). What it is about, is putting adult emotions to one side and ultimately doing the very best for the child and in the best interests of the child.

Sorry, but the grown ups can sort themselves out. It's the girl that is the most important thing here; not the allegedly controlling mother; not you or the attempts at civility you make.

This is all about a 7 1/2 yo little girl who needs to know she is loved and valued. Irrespective of what surname she has

poppyscorner

Hi grem thanks for your post just to clarify a few things.

The document he signed no I dont think it did specify but as I stated I didnt have alot to do with it as I kept out of the divorce.

as the ex was making him have dd

I think this has been misinterperated my fault reading it back over but what I mean is she would only allow him these 4hrs a week there was no leeway in it and we thought that this was really unfair it wasnt a case of him being made to he wanted to have her more and would and still will take evry opportunity to spend time with her.

On the adoption issue she has said that she wants her new hubby to adopt the daughter I presume she is aware ahe would lose her maintenance and the point I was getting at is that she would like this to happen and has said so but as she never involves my husband in any decisions concering their daughter he thinks and I agree that she would be much happier if he would disappear and then her new partner could pretend that he was her father we only get this impression because their daughter tells us that she has to call him dad his family also have to be called grandma aunty uncle etc etc as far as we are concerned she can call these people whatever she is comfortable with but if she is being made to do it then it is not fair.

As far as hubby and the ex go I am in a backseat role I never discuss anything like that with his ex I of course support my husband and provide my opinion to him when asked I have no wish to enter into discussion with her about it but her decisions do impact on my family (ie my 2 boys) and I therefore feel I am entitled to an opinion I just dont voice it unless asked by my hubby if I speak to her outside I am pleasant we chat about our children development etc and I have chatted to her about her wedding just general question such as where it is taking place what colour is her dress etc I do sit on the fence a lot and only posted because her comment today has scared my hubby and he asked me what I thought I wasnt sure what to think and thought some advice would be helpful Thanks again for you help

Amanda

poppyscorner

I am obviously not that great at getting out what I mean to say properly so I think I will call it a day with my post I do feel as though I am being attacked I dont think it is unreasonable for a good loving decent father to spend more than 4 hours a week with his daughter when that is also his daughters wish her mother has confirmed that she wants to come over more regular and she has also admitted to preventing this it is by no means a popularity contest she also adores her mum and we know that but she has said rather heatedly in front of her mum she doesnt want her name changed in fact they have had several bust ups about it (hubbys ex and daughter) and his ex says right you dad can sort this out and brings her here and tells him to sort it so no it isnt about a surname it is about a little girl who is so upset by it that she throws huge tatrums (something which we have never seen her do) and before we also get the blame for that she doesnt know what we think about it if hubby wants to discuss things like that with the ex their daughter isnt their to listen and we do not talk about it here either other than when she brings it up and she does all of the talking my husband just lets her know he is listening and we never pass comment on it on the occasions that she talks to me about it I react exactly the same as him.

Thanks to you all
Amanda

smileypigface

grem wrote: »

I'm concerned at your comment about " .. as the ex was making him have dd .." You both need to get it into your mind that no one can make you do anything without your own consent. Besides, this is his daughter, why would he need to be made to see her?

From my reading of the OP I believe the turn of phrase has clouded the actual point the OP was making - I believe the essence of what she is saying is that the ex-wife was only allowing access on a Saturday from 10-2 and 4 hours in the week (except for when it suits her to call him in at short notice when it suits her own agenda). If you substitute the word "making" with "letting" then that's the assumption I've based my response on. Sorry if I've got this wrong OP.

I've been in your position OP - and I disagree that it is nothing to do with you - you and your husband and children are a family unit and the little girl needs to feel that she 'owns' her own place in that unit. I think you are doing exactly the right thing by being civil to the ex-wife regardless of how much you disagree with any of her actions - rise above it and show the little girl by example that you and her dad are a 'constant' in her life - that you will be there for her no matter what. Yes, it is for her dad to take the lead on contact with the ex-wife but contact between the father and child should not be exclusive to the two of them (not saying they shouldn't have some special time together, maybe a shared hobby or interest - just like he probably has with your elder son now) - but contact is for her to feel part of his life, and therefore part of his family - she shouldn't feel excluded from that large part of her dad's life.

I understand completely what you mean about the ex wishing she could just have the maintenance and not have to bother with the contact - my experience was exactly the same - and the ex in my case was very controlling too - changing contact arrangements at the last minute, refusing to tell the child's dad which school their daughter was going to, putting the child in care and telling social services that she had no contact with the child's dad!!!!! It was a total nightmare for many years. Things have calmed down now ... but the child is now over 18 anyway.

Hope you can find a way forward OP - I'd definitely recommend CAB too for advice as to the best (affordable) way forward.

Good luck.

wifeforlife

Amanda

Your doing fine, because we dont really know people on this boards and what situation they are in the responses cannot be guessed and will not always be just so helpful.

The best advice is to speak to your local authority regarding name changes, CAB (highly recommended) or a Solicitor who will do the initial consultation for free or a very low fee.

You very obviously love your husband and his daughter, as long as you all remember he will always be her daddy no matter what shes called or where she goes in life.

Keep strong

Cate

Loretta

I am not positive but I think that what your husband signed about the name change is worthless, if you have got any documents from the court, a court order giving custody etc you may find that it states that either parent has to apply to the court to change the child's name before they are adult, it is not up to a parent to just do this because as is happening now, it could be changed on a whim or everytime a new partner comes along and the court woud protect a child from that, all children need their own identity. Her school must be full of children with assorted names in the family so she would not be the odd one out in this situation because she would be no different to the majority of other children there.

You will also find that any adoption of a child goes to court and a court would be very unlikely to let an adoption take place in these circumstances.

Parents don't own a child and the courts are there to protect a child in these sorts of situations.

It seems to me that you and your husband are the most stable parents of this child.

If you cannot afford a solicitor do as has been suggested and ask the CAB but you could also contact social services for their advice as if an adoption was to be applied for they would be involved so they probably know all the ins and outs

arthur_dent_2

From what I have read and I have just read it all, it sounds to me like you are as much a frustrated mother as anything else. You clearly care for the well being of this little girl whether biologically yours or not. It is very difficult when the main carer of a child (usually the mother) is not very accomodating to the needs of the father. In my experience of these awful outdated female heavy laws, if you went to court for access you would be awarded every other weekend and 1 weekday plus you would be awarded certain full weeks and holiday periods. I believe also that if your husband and step daughter wanted to change her name back to the same as your own the courts would not object to this. The adoption thing sounds to me like a step on the way to cutting her out of your lives completely, do not let it happen. You would not get custody even if you wanted it but I believe you could get more access. I cannot understand why women behave like this, if you have a child with someone and the relationship fails you both have a duty of care to the child, a mother has no more or less rights than the father. Unfortunately the system is biased in favour of women. You have my sympathy and I hope that all goes well, get a solicitor and fight to retain access to your 'daughter'.

nickyhutch

Poppy - I agree with arthurdent entirely and speak from experience, having been in every possible position within step families at one time or other in my life!

You will find support on https://www.ivillage.co.uk on their parenting message boards. There are people there going through and having gone through exactly what you're facing right now, and will give you invaluable support and advice (you're also allowed to have a rant!).

I would also agree that a trip to CAB or a free half hour with a solicitor is a good idea so you and your husband know exactly where you stand.

TheWaltons_3

I would just like to clarify something here.

The original poster is the childs STEP-MOTHER. She has as much right as the childs Dad to be concerned about this, as her children are also related to their Dads daughter.


I do not think she is being mean at all. And if she might sound slightly irked by the Ex's behaviour... then she bloody well can! She is only human after all.

We should all walk a mile in someone elses shoes before judging.