My Hubbys Ex

poppyscorner

Hi All,

Looking for a bit of general advice here I know really we need a solicitor but we cant afford it at the moment.

Right story goes my hubby was married before he met me he has a dd with his ex they got divorced citing his adultery with me as the reason (we werent having an affair and got together after they split) he couldnt afford a solicitor at the time as he was paying her £300 a month out of a £700 wage and then had all of his debt on top of this to pay (debt which they accrued together but unfortunately in his name we are still paying this off now) anyway after the divorce was through the ex said she would like the dd surname to be changed to match her maiden name as she didnt want her to get picked on at school basically laid it on thick and hubby signed the form to allow her to do this so dd now has the same name as mum.

Fast forward six years the mum is getting married the dd says she doesnt want to be mums maiden name and wants her birth name back because she is obviously going to be the only one in that house with the said name (tbh I think she feels abit like she doesnt belong anywhere) the mum has another baby with the soon to be new hubby and they will all have the same name and we all share the same name at this house. Mum is saying she wants to change the name to her new married name this is what dd told us so today hubby asks the ex whats going on and tells her that she cant change her name as he will never agree to it because it isnt what his daughter wants anyway. The ex says well it isnt up to you coz when you signed that form you have given me permission to call her whatever I want and you have no say she also says he does not have parental responsibility for her anymore that was not what he signed for he signed a bit of paper to say she could change her name to her maiden name because the ex pulled a guilt trip on him.

Now the ex is also a compulsive liar she lies about anything and everything even silly things like saying she had passed her driving test when she hasnt and caught herself out with it a while ago we never make a big deal of the lies just tend to ignore it and hubby is kind of oh really good for you nicely though.

But it is serious because she has mentioned to hubby about new hubby adopting dd to which he said no way she said they had been to see about it but they were told they would new my hubbys permission I dont know where it came from though as hubby has regular contact with dd pays regular maintenance volutarily(i.e not through CSA), has her to stay quite regular and usually if the mother can't get anyone else. he contributes loads to her clothing shoes birthday xmas school uniforms etc etc we do our own thing for xmas and birthdays and treat her the same as our boys (we have two).

So is the ex talking out of her ar*e or what is there anyway we could find out what his rights are and what the exact wording of the paperwork is that he signed we were never given a copy. All the divorce stuff I kept out of as I was relatively a new girlfriend and new relationship and 18 and didnt have a clue about it but todays comments have really worried me and him.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and while it would be lovely to go and see a solicitor we really cant afford it and we would be taking food out of or kids mouths to pay for it and we obviously cant do that.

P.S We did see a one in the past as the ex was making him have dd on sat 10 - 2 and 4hrs a week he felt was unreasonable the solicitor said that as long as he was getting to see her then he shouldnt complain and she doubted we would get any more access.

The ex is very controlling and has to have everything on her terms at all times she would love to cut my hubby out of their lives and just take his maintenance but she knows he wont let this happen he is never involved in any decisions about his daughter and he would willingly take the ex to court but worries what effect it would have on his daughter and the financial aspect of the whole thing as well

Thanks for listening sorry for the long post turned into a little rant but got down most of what I wanted to say

Amanda

Sharifa_2

How old is the daughter now?

poppyscorner

she is 7 yrs old

Ms_Chocaholic

As your hubbie was married to his ex when dd was born, he was automatically given PR and, although more than two people can have PR in respect of a child, your hubbie can't lose it (it is only lost when a child is adopted).

Hope this helps a bit, can't advise on other bits of your thread, sorry but hopefully someone else will be along soon

chickadee

Hi,

I'm not an expert but it REALLY REALLY sounds like you need a solicitor. I know you will think it an expense you can't afford, but can you afford for hubby's ex to carry on taking the mickey out of you like this? You say she is manipulative, but why doesn't he stand up to her? She is getting her own way all the time and regardless of the circumstances of their split, there is a child involved here and it doesn't sound like Mum's wishes are in DD's best interests. Your hubby needs to think of her welfare in all of this. It can't be a very settling experience to keep having your name changed against your wishes and as she is a child she needs someone to support her.

By the way, changing DD's name to new hubby's name isn't the same as a legal adoption.

Regarding Parental Responsibility, you automatically have this if you were married to the mother at the time of the child's birth. If you weren't married you have to get an order signed in the court. Ex is talking rubbish, courts take parental responsibility seriously. They wouldn't take it away on the strength of a signed bit of paper, unless of course the bit of paper was from a court, correctly witnessed etc.

Also, regarding the contact hours, the court will expect the parents to come up with mutually acceptable contact arrangements and will only step in where it is absolutely impossible for them to come to agreement. They will then act in what is considered best for the child. I feel sure that unless there are extenuating circumstances this would be more than 4 hours per week.

Get a lawyer hun! Can you get Legal Aid? Try Citizens Advice as a first option.

Hope this helps.

LilMissEmmylou

she would lose maitenance surely if she was stupid enough to have his daughter adopted? why she would do that to her daughter when she clearly still has a dad is boyond me, im not much help but you have my sympathys.

Old_Joe

If your husband cannot afford to pay a solicitor, I would suggest he goes to the Citizens Advice Bureau where the can get solicitor's advice for a nominal fee. Cost? Not sure, but some years ago it was just £5. The CAB will give guidance anyway.

grey_lady

Dear me, how on earth is she taking the mickey? the girl is less than 7 years old - so how is 4 hours on a Saturday and 4 hours during the week taking the p considering 'daddy' has a new girlfriend whom she presumably also has to spend this time with? (it's not like its just them 2 right?)
and why shouldnt she be treated the same as your two sons exactly?
You come over as being really mean and nasy about your hubby's ex.

Just in case your not mean and are just frustated with the situation and i misunderstand - im going to attempt towards being helpful,
you cant change his ex, you cant change what happened, all you can do is change your responses towards it. That will influence change far more than you realise.

poppyscorner

By the way, changing DD's name to new hubby's name isn't the same as a legal adoption.

No I know this its just something else she has talked about aside the name change thing.

Ex is talking rubbish, courts take parental responsibility seriously. They wouldn't take it away on the strength of a signed bit of paper, unless of course the bit of paper was from a court, correctly witnessed etc.

No it was just a form for him to consent to the name change no witnesses and not from court

Can you get Legal Aid?

I am not sure how do you qualify for this we are on low income but as I stated earlier the last time we saw that solicitor she charged us £125 for an hour to tell us we had no hope.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and support we do really appreciate it.

She gets away with all of it because she threatens my hubby if you ever take me to court you will never see her again (her family are rich and would pay for a really good solicitor) my hubby has never hurt his daughter or caused her to be unsettled in any way he is a model father he adores his kids and makes the most of all the time he has with them all I wouldnt want anyone else to father my children and they all adore him his dd and our ds1 both follow him round the house and want to be by his side at all times ds2 is 11wks old so doesnt follow him yet.

We are just scared about losing her as she is a big part of both our lives and that of our sons she is a lovely litle girl my hubby adores her and I adore her too she is part of my hubby but he is treat as an outsider in her life the access thing isnt so much of an issue anymore although still all on her terms he takes every opportunity he gets even if its picking her up from school coz the mother rings and says she cant be bothered to do it, its an extra 15mins is how he sees it she has allowed her longer times since she had her new baby.

How do we go about finding a good solicitor and how do I convince my husband it is for the best coz if it all goes t*ts up I am sure I will get the blame.

Is there a standard contact arrangement that courts give out or is each case different ?

grem_2

poppyscorner wrote: »

... anyway after the divorce was through the ex said she would like the dd surname to be changed to match her maiden name ... Fast forward six years the mum is getting married the dd says she doesnt want to be mums maiden name and wants her birth name back because she is obviously going to be the only one in that house with the said name (tbh I think she feels abit like she doesnt belong anywhere) the mum has another baby with the soon to be new hubby and they will all have the same name and we all share the same name at this house. Mum is saying she wants to change the name to her new married name this is what dd told us so today hubby asks the ex whats going on and tells her that she cant change her name as he will never agree to it because it isnt what his daughter wants anyway. The ex says well it isnt up to you coz when you signed that form you have given me permission to call her whatever I want and you have no say .....

P.S We did see a one in the past as the ex was making him have dd on sat 10 - 2 and 4hrs a week he felt was unreasonable the solicitor said that as long as he was getting to see her then he shouldnt complain and she doubted we would get any more access.

Hi Amanda, I'm a a bit confused.

DD has her mother's maiden name as a result of a document your dh signed giving permission for a name change. Is that correct? Did he specify at the time that the name change could only be to the mum's maiden name? If not, then yes, she may well be right. But, for confirmation, speak to the CAB

I'm concerned at your comment about " .. as the ex was making him have dd .." You both need to get it into your mind that no one can make you do anything without your own consent. Besides, this is his daughter, why would he need to be made to see her?

I know it is an emotive subject, but, you need to keep things in perspective, on the one hand you state,

she would love to cut my hubby out of their lives and just take his maintenance

(which couldn't happen if her new partner/husband officially adopted the dd; despite her "making" him see her Saturday's + 4hrs per week)

New hubby cannot "adopt" the dd without her father's consent. End of.
For the name change business, it may be possible that she could change the dd's name to her new hubbys name if your hubby didn't specify a particular name in his agreement.
No idea how he would get copies of the original without his Xwife presenting them and/or going through a solicitor. But, do remember, changing her name does not change her DNA nor does it change your hubby's parental rights.

Perhaps you should really be concentrating, not on the what ifs, but on what your husband see's as his role in his daughter's life? Which, (don't mean to be rude) is down to him and his daughter and not to do with you.

So what if his Xwife is (in your opinion) controlling? That's her soon to be husbands concern, not yours

Your job is to be there for your husband in a support role for the decisions he makes regarding his daughter. Not an easy one, but c'est la vie!

Your concern should be your two sons. Let your husband and his x wife sort out their own differences with the best interests of their daughter at heart. Be supportive by all means, but not instrumental or too assertive; it's dangerous territory if you throw yourself in the middle

poppyscorner

Dear me, how on earth is she taking the mickey? the girl is less than 7 years old - so how is 4 hours on a Saturday and 4 hours during the week taking the p considering 'daddy' has a new girlfriend whom she presumably also has to spend this time with? (it's not like its just them 2 right?)
and why shouldnt she be treated the same as your two sons exactly?
You come over as being really mean and nasy about your hubby's ex.

Just in case your not mean and are just frustated with the situation and i misunderstand - im going to attempt towards being helpful,
you cant change his ex, you cant change what happened, all you can do is change your responses towards it. That will influence change far more than you realise.

Yes Thanks for that I am not mean and I am not simply daddys new girlfriend either I am his wife and we have been together for six years she has two half brothers her at her daddys house and the access arrangements were 4 hrs a week I have been together with her father a lot longer than mummy has been with her boyfriend yet she is ordered by mummy and the said bf to call the bf dad so you tell me would you be frustrated I came here to get some helpful advice for the benefit of my hubby and his daughter.

As far as the ex goes am I bitter and twisted do I like her no I dont BUT if I see her in the street I stop and talk to her I am very nice to her considering all of the bad things she has done to us as a couple and me personally I lost a job because of her spreading crap and causing trouble she has wished my children dead on several occasions including my first daughter who tragically did die so who is the bigger person I feel I can hold my head up and say I am she is a nasty piece of work who lies and manipulates everyone she meets.

His daughter is in fact 71/2 yrs old and tells her father that she would love to come here more often but her mother prevents it so thanks very much for your help if we change our response to her we would have to go the other way and stoop to her level now do you think that would make the situation abit more stable???

Sorry if I come over defensive but I think you have completely misinterperated what I have said my husband and his daughter have a relationship on his ex wifes terms I dont think that is fair on either of them even taking me and my sons out of the equation his daughter hugs me and tells me she loves me and I tell her the same I do genuinely love her and she is part of our family I dont think it is at all right to deprive her of this.