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Am I being selfish?

135

Comments

  • gravitytolls
    gravitytolls Posts: 13,558 Forumite
    After 18 yrs, you can't expect much more. I think we all quite quickly settle into patterns of behaviour, and you seem to be no exception.

    Be glad he's trying (yeah, I know, very trying), and try not to be irritated.

    Anyhoo, you never know, the big surprise might be he's not doing what youy think he's doing anyway!
    I ave a dodgy H, so sometimes I will sound dead common, on occasion dead stupid and rarely, pig ignorant. Sometimes I may be these things, but I will always blame it on my dodgy H.

    Sorry, I'm a bit of a grumble weed today, no offence intended ... well it might be, but I'll be sorry.
  • Smashing
    Smashing Posts: 1,799 Forumite
    Elle83 wrote: »
    If this arrangement suits all concerned I have to wonder why the OP has posted in the first place.

    Well, he can't change the 'arrangement' if he's not aware that she is unhappy with it.
  • ailuro2
    ailuro2 Posts: 7,540 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Maybe it's a weekend camping/birdwatching in the Scottish Highlands in November- that would certainly teach you to voice your wants/needs clearly:rotfl:
    Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
    Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
    Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.
  • Justie
    Justie Posts: 1,768 Forumite
    Elle83 wrote: »
    It's a bit sickening that so many of us spend hours producing handmade cards for our OH's and accompany them by thoughtful, personal presents only to receive a Tesco Value card and supermarket flowers in return (the same ones you got last year of course).
    Ah and doesn't that sum it up nicely - we give the presents we'd like to receive! Not all men are the same but the majority don't place the same importance on things like birthday cards (how many do you see giving their mates down the pub a card at Christmas or Birthdays?) and so can't understand why women put so much importance on it.

    I have a lovely OH who like to surprise me and would love to plan surprise trips etc but I HATE surprises and would much rather have something to unwrap on birthdays etc than an experience. We're all different - the key is to communicate with our partners what we want in a way they understand and to try to dissociate the action from your worth.

    The OP seems to me to be doing the classic thing of 'I do this because I love him, he doesnt' do the same for me so therefore I'm not sure if he loves me or not and I want some reassurance'. We all do that to some degree. My advice is to separate the 'thing' that you want (a trip to see a show) from what it's become to symbolise. Unconditional love is very hard to measure as it tends not to come with the kind of tallying of gestures that we're taught mean romance.
  • Thank you again for all your opinions which I respect.

    I must make it clear as I don't think I hve that I do normally clearly tell him what I want I have blatantly asked him in the past if for a change he could do the organising or 'surprising' and he says yes I will and nothing happens he says he just forgets. I did hint this time but very unsubtley and he knows me very well. He likes going seeing shows he just would rather sit back and let me organise it.
    I know what some of you are all saying I should be grateful etc etc and it is giving me another perspective however I still wonder if I am asking for too much asking that just once in 18 YEARS that he puts himself out and organises one night away?
    And I appreciate that some of you 'hate' surprises but my husband clearly knows I don't because I have told him enough, however he still chooses to 'forget'.
    You are all right he does do other things and I should accept him the way he is not change him etc etc but I am not asking him to change I am asking just for once to arrange something then I am sure that for the next 18 years he won't again I'm not expecting yearly surprises I know that would never happen but surely once when he is very capable is not being greedy?
  • Justie
    Justie Posts: 1,768 Forumite
    a friend of mine was given a great piece of advice before she got married - "don't start doing anything that you don't want to still be doing in 60 years". We are creatures of habit and easily fall into roles of who does what and these become set in stone over time. Changing them is nigh on impossible.
  • It might not be what you think! When OH and I were engaged, we were bought this book:
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Commitment-Relationships/dp/1881273156/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/203-8886137-6407917?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180888028&sr=8-1
    It talks about communication and how different people communicate. According to the book, your "love language" (yes, cheesy, I know!:rolleyes: ) is gifts, both giving and receiving.
    Your husbands, unfortunately, isn't. But this book (to which i have no affiliation or profit interest) may help you both. He'll get why this is so important to you and you'll figure out what his language is. I think the others are: touch, words, deeds and quality time.
    I really do love this book. It's got a long quiz thing at the end where you evaluate various things based on how much you appreciate them.
    Hope that doesn't sounds too psychobabbly.
    A x
  • Justie wrote: »
    a friend of mine was given a great piece of advice before she got married - "don't start doing anything that you don't want to still be doing in 60 years". We are creatures of habit and easily fall into roles of who does what and these become set in stone over time. Changing them is nigh on impossible.

    I can understand this and I agree to a point as from experince that is what has happened we have developed our 'roles' however I still stand by the fact I don't want him to change a 'one off' would be enough. Surely I am not asking too much but by most of the opinions on here I should put up and shut up and be grateful. I agree to a point as I keep saying and I do wich sometimes that I could change this dark side of me.
  • It might not be what you think! When OH and I were engaged, we were bought this book:
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Commitment-Relationships/dp/1881273156/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/203-8886137-6407917?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180888028&sr=8-1
    It talks about communication and how different people communicate. According to the book, your "love language" (yes, cheesy, I know!:rolleyes: ) is gifts, both giving and receiving.
    Your husbands, unfortunately, isn't. But this book (to which i have no affiliation or profit interest) may help you both. He'll get why this is so important to you and you'll figure out what his language is. I think the others are: touch, words, deeds and quality time.
    I really do love this book. It's got a long quiz thing at the end where you evaluate various things based on how much you appreciate them.
    Hope that doesn't sounds too psychobabbly.
    A x

    Thanks for that I have just looked at the book and all the reviews were really good, maybe I will see if they have got it in the library.
  • arthur_dent_2
    arthur_dent_2 Posts: 1,913 Forumite
    Personally I gave up on my husband buying me anything or doing anything as a surprise. He is an extremely intelligent man it is just that most (not all) men lack the gene that allows you to organise anything that doesn't involve their occupation. Hubby loves me to pieces but I buy everything and arrange everything myself even down to my own mothers day and valentine pressies. What your husband is attempting to do is make you happy. Unfortunately he is obviously not too good at it and trying to ask how. He may well be doing it because he feels he has to, but the fact remains that he is doing it. You have every right to feel miffed but don't let it spoil what he is trying to do for you. I am sure he has your interests at heart in the end.
    Loving the dtd thread. x
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