Am I being selfish?

Errata

Blokes and dogs don't respond to hints. Clear words of command usually get results !

Bogof_Babe

Blimey, if that's all you have to worry about, be grateful. I'm actually stunned that you place such huge importance on it.

I've been married nearly 33 years and we agreed early on that we don't do birthdays, Christmas etc. between ourselves, simply because it is time consuming and pretty pointess as we can (or could, but that's another story) buy whatever we wanted within reason. And get the size right!

I think you have a dear, kind, well-intentioned man there. Please don't risk upsetting him over something so trivial.

procrastination_over

Thanks for all you replies and I agree with them all in part. I know he is trying and I know that I should be grateful then on the other hand my little voice says hang on he's 44 years old, works in management so he is used to organising, planning etc and no one showed me how to plan something for him? So my mind says he is only organising something for me because he 'should' (after 18 years) as opposed to wants to because if he really wanted to organise it without me knowing at all he could he is very capable...
See my dark side keeps creeping out on this one thats why I posted in the first place.
And for the people who say I need to be more direct he would probably say I am too direct unfortunately. This time I just kept giving him hints with a grin on my face as if to say but you'll 'forget' won't you.

Go on give me your worst

MRSMCAWBER

OH MY!
My hubby is a soldier..and has done 22 years..and about to do another 5 -woohoo..now we have only been married 5 years..and after many attempts on my part...hinting (now im a subtle as a brick)...but to no avail
He has actually pointed out that he had 17 years as a single guy..being told by the army "what to do, when to do it , how to do it and how long to do it for etc" we have finally established that he will do anything i "tell" him or "ask" him...initially i hated it -
sat wondering why he couldnt see that the carpet wanted hoovering etc...
But i have now got over that little problem LOL.... and life is much easier all round - i ask for things to be done and they get done straight away -boy the army have taught him well :-)...so i am happy
And he isnt sat scratching his head wondering what he has or hasnt done - what he calls "vision no sound"..namely that im not saying anything, but he is more than aware i am there and very aware that im not a happy bunny...LOL....
so i would give it a go asking for what you want..you may feel odd initially, but they eventually get the hang of it and he may even suprise you once he has got used to organising things...good luck...jill

Bogof_Babe

Okay then, as you ask for "our worst"...

I really would tread extremely carefully with this one. You are in danger of giving him the impression that it is not for himself that you value him, but for what he could or should do for you.

Please try to get this in perspective. You might have to come to terms with the fact that as a present giver/surprise planner he is useless. Does that mean you love him any the less?

18 years can be a bit of a dangerous stage too. If you have kids they are likely to be making their own lives, and if you don't then you face the prospect of growing old together. If you got married at "normal" sort of ages, it will also be the peak time for mid-life crises. You say he works in business, that's a hothouse for discontented married folk to start "working late" together.

Not trying to frighten you - well yes actually perhaps I am. Please count your blessings. Thousands of women would give a limb to be in your situation.

Edit: There are two on this page. Check out Lea and Sugarplumfairy's threads and see if you want to swap.

Elle00

I don't think you are being selfish OP.

I think you're disappointed. Yes it is nice your OH is bothering to do something you've asked for but as relationships are give and take and all he's done is take, take, take it's only fair he returns the favour! If he makes up for the lack of thought in other ways then fair enough but it doesn't sound like he ever makes much of an effort for you? I remember that feeling well.

With regards to a few other posters: I'm fed up of the women in this country that set men such low standards; it's no wonder they think they can get away with murder! If you would sit through an important footy match with your OH because he wanted some company then he can bloody well sit through Grease. And if you are willing to bear their children they can learn to change a flipping nappy and bathe and put baby to bed twice a week too. We are all born equal and should treat one another with the respect and kindness they show us.

It's a bit sickening that so many of us spend hours producing handmade cards for our OH's and accompany them by thoughtful, personal presents only to receive a Tesco Value card and supermarket flowers in return (the same ones you got last year of course).

rosieben

Elle83 wrote: »

all he's done is take, take, take it's only fair he returns the favour!

Bit harsh I think! OP didnt say he was all take, take, take - not helpful to OP if you are transposing your own experiences onto the thread?

Elle00

rosieben wrote: »

Bit harsh I think! OP didnt say he was all take, take, take - not helpful to OP if you are transposing your own experiences onto the thread?

How can anyone give helpful advice without having their own experiences to draw on?

OP did say she has always had to do all the planning and thoughtfulness and that it is only now after 18yrs OH is thinking to return the favour so that is why I draw the conclusion it is all take no give. I also noted the OP felt OH was doing it out of obligation rather than because he actually wants to which is a pretty uncaring way to treat someone you're supposed to love.

As I did say, if he makes up for it in other ways then fair enough, one has to learn to with it because we all have faults. But if the relationship is focusing around one person putting all the effort in then what's the point? Why be with someone who doesn't give you what you want or need out of life just because other people wind up in worse relationships than you've got? You only get one shot at happiness.

I'm not saying leave your OH, OP, I'm just saying that I too would be a bit gutted and that it sounds like this has been bothering you for a while. If you can learn to put up with it for the sake of everything else then great but if not then something will have to change.

Errata

Sometimes 18 year old habits exist because it suits all concerned, even though agreement may be unspoken.

Elle00

Errata wrote: »

Sometimes 18 year old habits exist because it suits all concerned, even though agreement may be unspoken.

If this arrangement suits all concerned I have to wonder why the OP has posted in the first place.