Where is the love

loulou26

It would be easier to deal with if there was another person

MrsDrink

loulou26 wrote: »

We started this with a 6 month trial but I don't think I can feel the pain I'm feeling now for 6 months. He says he has been trying for the past few months by faking being in love but he doesn't want to do that anymore. It's tearing me apart

I really feel for you. x And I totally get that it's tearing you apart, and I do understand the 'why delay the inevitable' thing of not wanting to drag it out over 6 months.

But 'faking being in love' is not enough. Communication and effort would be a start. (And maybe by telling you how he feels he is starting the communicating part). Please don't let him continue the same old for the next two weeks while you do everything in your power to convince him he loves you. He should be putting in the same amount of effort to prove to you that he once loved you, and now respects you enough to try to recapture that.

FBaby

The only way you could possibly make the 2 weeks work is if he can actually tell you why he fell out of love for you. The problem is that by agreeing to do so, he might be telling you things that could be very hurtful and he might decide it is not worth doing.

I personally don't see how this issue could be resolve in two weeks. Even if he were to be totally honest, and you agreed to make changes, could you really do so in a period of two weeks?

Reasons why one might fall out of love with someone they once loved deeply. Well, unfortunately, physical attraction might be one. If physical appearance is something that matters to the other, if their love one lets themselves go, they might find themselves lose the attraction, but also lose respect in that they believe they should have pride in themselves and do something about it. I'm not saying this is right, and many will scream that if that's how he feels, he is not worth keeping, but in the end, you can't force yourself to be attracted to somebody if you are not any longer.

The other reason could be that you have moved in different direction, different goals, different interests. You might have been very outgoing, wanting to explore the world etc... but after getting married, you have settled in a comfortable life at home whereas his trips has made want to do more explorations that you are not interested in. You might have different outlook on your future, want different things?

As you suggested, he might have lost love for you because he feels overwhelmed by your dependence on him. He could be the type of man attracted to independent women who keep him on his toes.

Of course, there might more into it and it is possible that he is just lying and has found someone else.

Whatever the reason, you need to decide whether you really want to hear them or not before even considering whether you would be prepared to make changes to keep him, or whether if he feels the way he does for the reasons he has, he is not worth fighting for. It usually is the latter that prevails and often for the best.

Good luck, I really feel for you, I agree that this is as if no more painful that hearing one has cheated, especially when you didn't see it coming.

System

He travels a lot with work and tells me he would rather be travelling than spending time with me now.

Working away has its dangers. Instead of growing close, you grow apart.

We have agreed to a two week trial to see if we can re connect but does this ever happen?

In your case being apart has caused the problem in the first place. He needs to come home. Only once he's home can you start to work on your relationship... that's if he wants to work on it.

zzzLazyDaisy

loulou26 wrote: »

We started this with a 6 month trial but I don't think I can feel the pain I'm feeling now for 6 months. He says he has been trying for the past few months by faking being in love but he doesn't want to do that anymore. It's tearing me apart

I so feel for you. You must be in a really bad place right now.

Is HE also making an effort to regain what you once had? Or does he seem withdrawn and detached?

One thing I would say - if you are falling apart, in tears, demanding answers (all of which is TOTALLY understandable)... he is not going to want to stay in that place.

If you can possibly manage it, and if you really do want to give this one last shot, you need to remind him what first attracted him to you. Be happy, playful, go on a 'date night' with him - maybe also get dressed up and go out with your friends (you might cry on their shoulder, but come back smiling and chatty about what you've been doing). A red eyed clinging limpet is going to make him run for the hills trying to get away from his own guilt. A confident, sexy woman who has a life that doesn't 100% revolve around him *might* just open his eyes and he *might* genuinely want to stay and work things through.

If it helps, my best friend was in exactly your position two years ago. She told him she really wanted to work through this, that she loved him, and that she wanted to be with him. But that he had to understand that if he was seriously thinking of leaving, she had to consider that too. She had suffered a long period of depression and had certainly taken him for granted. She went to the hairdresser, got some new clothes from the charity shops and set about making herself feel better about herself. She also sat him down and had a very unemotional, practical talk with him about what they would need to think about if he did decide to leave - the arrangements for the children, the house and so on. He hadn't really thought about the practicalities, and I think he was shocked that she was taking control and not allowing him to call all the shots. It worked for them - it made him sit up and take notice of what he was losing. I am not saying it was an easy ride, it certainly wasn't, but they are still together and things are better than ever for them.

Having said that - she never did get to the bottom of why he was going to leave, and she had to let it drop for the sake of the marriage, because her constant picking at the wound was driving him further away.

Maybe it is all too raw and traumatic for you, for any of this to be any help. But if all you do is keep posting, maybe someone will say something that might help you get through this, one way or the other.

Hugs

Dx

pigpen

valk_scot wrote: »

Have you considered that he might be seeing someone else while he's away? People sometimes say "I don't love you any more" without adding the second part "because I now love someone else" as it would make them the bad person.

this is my initial thought.. mainly because this is what happened with us.. he went away to work for a week.. liked what he saw and started an affair when he got back..

Don't put yourself through the torture of trying to make it work, treading eggshells so he doesn't leave because you have guilt or whatever about it.. if he wants to go no amount of bowing and subservience from you will change that.. it will just make for extended misery.. if he leaves now you deal with it now, if he strings you along with great uncertainty for the next 6 months you have that and then he leaves and you have to deal with that at Christmas!! ... Seriously, you need to be protecting yourself here.

marisco_2

loulou26 wrote: »

He says he has been trying for the past few months by faking being in love but he doesn't want to do that anymore.

I am struggling to understand your husbands logic. I question what he has been trying to achieve by faking being in love with you? To treat the person who is closest to you and meant to mean the most to you in such a way is very disrespectful. He clearly realised months ago that his feelings for you were changing. If he loved, valued and respected you then he could have approached you when he first became aware of this and explained where he was at. This would have given you both the chance to really talk things through, pull together as a team and see if you could resolve whatever it was that was contributing to you drifting apart. There may have been the possibility of resolving the problems and getting your relationship back on track.

His recent revelation must have come as a terrible shock to you and I am not surprised that you feel torn apart. If I were in your shoes I would be seriously thinking whether I could place my trust in someone again, who had been so dishonest with me over such a long period of time. Trust and honesty are the foundations to a strong and healthy relationship. Once they are gone people often find it extremely hard to recapture what they once had. I agree with the others who say 2 weeks is no-where near long enough to trial whether or not you can remain together. It will take far longer than that to sort things out. Contacting an organisation like Relate and taking the help of a third party to face up to and address all that has been going on may be beneficial to you both. I am so sorry to hear of all you are coping with and facing and I really hope you will be okay however you decide to proceed.

FBaby

marisco wrote: »

I am struggling to understand your husbands logic. I question what he has been trying to achieve by faking being in love with you?

Maybe he tried to see whether he could still be happy enough in his relationship besides his feelings having gone. I expect he still has a lot of affection for OP and might be very sad to break the family up too, so thought he could try to see if he could pretend and be ok, but realised that he wouldn't be able to.

bylromarha

I too don't think 2 weeks is enough to repair things. Does he want to actually see if he can make it work or has he given up?

You will need time, love and a pile of effort to reconnect...and you both have to want it.

Have a calm practical chat as suggested above and decide where to go from there.

All the best.

Jinx

If your hubby working away is an issue, are you both talking about him getting a job at home if hes serious about making it work?

My hubby worked away a lot when he was previously engaged and didn't make a huge effort to stay in touch etc. He had the cheek to be surprised when his fianc!e left him for someone else. If its not someone else then it could just be the distance - its hard to stay in touch, stay focussed and remember why you are with that person long-distance.

I agree with Lazydaisys post about looking good for yourself and being confident etc, but I imagine its difficult in this moment. I hope you are able to work it out - good luck.