My ill child being ignored by her father, I am so angry.

[Deleted User]

OP I understand where you are coming from as it must be the week for it. 5 year old in this house too with the pox and her father let us down this week. He hasn't called any extra or suggested a "special visit" to cheer her up, knowing she has been quite poorly. In fact the night I did ask him to come so DS could still attend his swimming lesson and then spend time with DD after, he didn't come as he forgot. DD's doctor said she has had it quite severly and her spots are infected now. She has suffered/suffering a lot still but I am learning that "I shouldn't expect him to think/act the way I would, then I won't be dissappointed".

Its frustrating isn't it. I think ValHaller has a very valid point, i'm going to try to remember that too. However when an ex's weak point is communication then it makes for very trying times.

Lala789

pinkshoes wrote: »

He probably has no idea what chicken pox is like!

he doesn't want to talk to you due to the divorce!

You're perhaps over-thinking it!

Pinkshoes, he does not need to speak to me at all. But surely, every parent should show an interest in their child when they can clearly see the child is not well? Divorce or no divorce, these things should come naturally.

Lala789

iammumtoone wrote: »

How do you know he did not sneak in to check on her whilst you were not aware?

I know he didn't check up on her because my kids sleep with me in the bedroom. He just came to his own room upstairs to pick up his duvet to go and sleep downstairs and did not even turn his head to see the kids after being away at work for 2 days.

Lala789

marisco wrote: »

He needs to realise that love and respect from children isn't a given, it has to be earned.

Marisco, thanks for your advice. He demands respect, yet shows none. By him not treating the children right, my older daughter's relationship with him has already been damaged as she tries to spend as little time with him as she can. He tries to blame it on me saying bad things to her about him. All I am doing is when she asks me things about him, I don't lie anymore. I tried to protect her from the truth but she is a clever kid and things just didn't add up for her. He is angry that I am not lying to her anymore.
[/QUOTE]

Lala789

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If he's that much of an a-hole I'd be relieved that he didn't want any contact with her

Yes, he is a bad parent but I want my children to make up their own mind about him instead of preventing them from being with him...

ValHaller

Lala789 wrote: »

I know he didn't check up on her because my kids sleep with me in the bedroom. He just came to his own room upstairs to pick up his duvet to go and sleep downstairs and did not even turn his head to see the kids after being away at work for 2 days.

Possibly damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. He would have to invade your privacy to check up on her ....

Putting it mildly, I am thinking that some issues are of your own making. I am thinking that you may be holding the child so close that he knows he will be in trouble with you for coming too close if he goes close to her. That could be physically or metaphorically.

Lala789

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

The trouble is, you can't make someone be interested in their children if they're not. If he doesn't pay much attention to them now, he is likely to go one of two ways once he is no longer living with them...

Either is will be a case of out of sight, out of mind and his interest will wane even further - especially when he gets a gf to occupy his time/money/thoughts

or

He will realise what he has been missing and when he has them he will over compensate by buying them presents and doing things with them that you can't afford to do

Either way it will get under your skin if you let it.

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic (it isn't but might sound it) Given that you have been unable to influence his response to your child so far, it is very unlikely you will be able to do so now. You can only influence your own thoughts feelings and attentions towards your child. It is pointless allowing his actions to upset you because that is a pure waste of energy, and won't affect him in the slightest - especially once he has gone and not even there to see it. The only person who will suffer for you getting upset is you - and also your child if you let it.

I completely agree that I cannot make him care about his children the way they deserve to be cared for. And also that all I can do is to give them all they need and be there for them whilst trying not to get upset about it. I try to remember this. Putting this into practice is hard...

Lala789

duckeggblue wrote: »

You're doing a great job of looking after her. Xx

I am doing my utmost best. Sometimes I worry about what life they would have if anything happens to me and they end up with him. A life when they are made to feel unimportant, a life without affection, a life when they feel they are not special....I pray it never happens that they end up with him.

Lala789

ValHaller wrote: »

I've quoted your title, because to me it says a lot about the situation. If your daughter is yours and yours alone, then you have no place being angry at her father. However, she should be 'Our ill child'.

You cannot write your soon to be ex out of a relationship with a child who is his too at one end of a sentence and be angry at his apparent disinvolvement at the other end of that same sentence.

And the other thing is that to me 'anger' is about the least helpful, relevant or expected emotion in this situation. If you were sad about it, I would be sad with and for you, your daughter and your soon to be ex. But anger about it is just inappropriate.

Your soon to be ex is in a difficult position here. If you are trying to get him to display certain behaviours by your own emotions such as anger, it is almost certain to be counterproductive. If he has his head the least bit screwed on, he will realise that if your anger succeeds in getting him to engage with your daughter, then the next time you want something from him in relation to your daughter, he will probably be in line for more anger.

So think on it. He may care about her more than you imagine, but his take on the situation may well be that in the long run, things are much more stable if you don't get your way with negative emotion. And while he could be criticised for not engaging with your daughter, he may view the price of not engaging as worth it for his dignity.

Thanks for the interesting reply. I have always tried to include him in my/our children's life, I tried too hard and then one day I realized that he has to want to be there himself so I stopped making any effort. As I do everything with the children and for the children, I automatically call them my but it does not mean they are not his. He likes to show them off to his family and friends and the rest of the time he is not bothered.

Your soon to be ex is in a difficult position here. If you are trying to get him to display certain behaviours by your own emotions such as anger, it is almost certain to be counterproductive.

He is not in a difficult position at all, yes the divorce is difficult but when it comes to your children, a parent should go out of their way to make sure their child is safe and healthy, regardless of divorce or their mood or convenience.

Lala789

ValHaller wrote: »

Possibly damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. He would have to invade your privacy to check up on her ....

Putting it mildly, I am thinking that some issues are of your own making. I am thinking that you may be holding the child so close that he knows he will be in trouble with you for coming too close if he goes close to her. That could be physically or metaphorically.

Hmmm, a good point but he has never cared about privacy before. He doesn't mind switching on the light in the bedroom at 2 am if he wants to look at the kids or if he is looking for something. Whether the kids wake up or not, he is not bothered.:( Privacy has never been an issue for him or me...