My ill child being ignored by her father, I am so angry.

Lala789

Hello, my 5-year old fell ill with chicken pox on Thursday night. Her father was due to pick her up from school on yesterday so I texted him that she fell ill and I was at home with her. No reply. When he got home last night, she was asleep and he didn't even look at her. This morning the same. He has not even said good morning to her or asked me how she is.

I and him are getting divorced so the situation at home is very tense. However, I believe that no father should ever behave like this.:mad: Is this so obviously wrong or am I being oversensitive?

pinkshoes

He probably has no idea what chicken pox is like!

If she was sleeping, he probably thought it was best to leave her to sleep, and I imagine he didn't ask you as he doesn't want to talk to you due to the divorce!

You're perhaps over-thinking it!

geminilady

pinkshoes wrote: »

He probably has no idea what chicken pox is like!

If she was sleeping, he probably thought it was best to leave her to sleep, and I imagine he didn't ask you as he doesn't want to talk to you due to the divorce!

You're perhaps over-thinking it!

No,in my opinion she isn't, any caring father would at least enquire how his child was after being told she was ill.Also he would be very immature if he had stopped talking to her because they are getting divorced.

sulkisu

pinkshoes wrote: »

He probably has no idea what chicken pox is like!

If she was sleeping, he probably thought it was best to leave her to sleep, and I imagine he didn't ask you as he doesn't want to talk to you due to the divorce!

You're perhaps over-thinking it!

I disagree. Unless he is from Mars or lives in a cave, he knows what chicken pox is and even if he doesn't know the ins and outs of the disease, he knows that his child is ill. Under the circumstances any parent would ask how the child was. I sent OH a text to say that DS2 was grizzly all day yesterday, and the first thing he did when he came home was ask how he was and check on him. It's basic parental instinct, surely?

iammumtoone

My son has had chicken pox (when his father was living here). I don't remember him asking how he was - he didn't need to he lived here and could see how he was!

How do you know he did not sneak in to check on her whilst you were not aware?

marisco_2

I remember from your previous thread that you mentioned your husband routinely shows barely any interest in and takes little to do with his children. To display no apparent concern for and to give no empathy or compassion to your own child when it is unwell, comes across to me as being a very cold way to behave toward them. Ultimately long term this kind of approach will only end up damaging the relationship he has with them. He needs to realise that love and respect from children isn't a given, it has to be earned.

Your relationship with him may have broken down completely and lead to you now getting divorced. However I think he should try to find it within him, to at least communicate with you civilly so far as the children and their welfare are concerned. You two may no longer be a couple but you will always be linked by your children. For their stability and happiness you both need to work together positively as their parents, to raise them to the best of your abilities. I hope he will be on board and attempt to do this for all your sakes.

BitterAndTwisted

If he's that much of an a-hole I'd be relieved that he didn't want any contact with her

zzzLazyDaisy

The trouble is, you can't make someone be interested in their children if they're not. If he doesn't pay much attention to them now, he is likely to go one of two ways once he is no longer living with them...

Either is will be a case of out of sight, out of mind and his interest will wane even further - especially when he gets a gf to occupy his time/money/thoughts

or

He will realise what he has been missing and when he has them he will over compensate by buying them presents and doing things with them that you can't afford to do

Either way it will get under your skin if you let it.

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic (it isn't but might sound it) Given that you have been unable to influence his response to your child so far, it is very unlikely you will be able to do so now. You can only influence your own thoughts feelings and attentions towards your child. It is pointless allowing his actions to upset you because that is a pure waste of energy, and won't affect him in the slightest - especially once he has gone and not even there to see it. The only person who will suffer for you getting upset is you - and also your child if you let it.

valk_scot

My OH leaves all...and I do mean ALL...medical matters to do with the kids to me. Medical stuff freaks him out, he can't cope with puke and fevers and wan faces and the constant feeble whinging (I think you deserve to whinge feebly with chicken pox btw) and he just runs away in horror. He'd have a panic attack if asked to give one of them Calpol, I think, he used to just blank out everything to do with medicine and thermometers when they were small. And he was never the sort of father to cuddle up to feverish little bodies on the couch.

Didn't mean he didn't love them, just that he had a blind spot about illness. The thing to ask yourself is has your OH always been like this when your DD has been ill, or is this a new thing? If he's always been like this you might have a potential future problem if you're sharing custody, if it's a new thing it's probably connected to the divorce, though it does seem a bit weird if so. But you might be feeling a little bit sensitive to the slightest thing? My OH would never have gone in to check on the kids if asleep btw, the maxim in this house was never to wake a sleeping child or baby.

duckeggblue

You're doing a great job of looking after her. Xx

ValHaller

Lala789 wrote: »

My ill child being ignored by her father, I am so angry.

I've quoted your title, because to me it says a lot about the situation. If your daughter is yours and yours alone, then you have no place being angry at her father. However, she should be 'Our ill child'.

You cannot write your soon to be ex out of a relationship with a child who is his too at one end of a sentence and be angry at his apparent disinvolvement at the other end of that same sentence.

And the other thing is that to me 'anger' is about the least helpful, relevant or expected emotion in this situation. If you were sad about it, I would be sad with and for you, your daughter and your soon to be ex. But anger about it is just inappropriate.

Your soon to be ex is in a difficult position here. If you are trying to get him to display certain behaviours by your own emotions such as anger, it is almost certain to be counterproductive. If he has his head the least bit screwed on, he will realise that if your anger succeeds in getting him to engage with your daughter, then the next time you want something from him in relation to your daughter, he will probably be in line for more anger.

So think on it. He may care about her more than you imagine, but his take on the situation may well be that in the long run, things are much more stable if you don't get your way with negative emotion. And while he could be criticised for not engaging with your daughter, he may view the price of not engaging as worth it for his dignity.