If I get married - do I have to adopt my own son?

Mossop93

I can't obviously explain too much as it would make it obvious who I am to anyone that knew me.

But he has some rather serious issues with himself which make him a risk to my son if they were alone, so he'd only be able to have supervised visits. But because of said issues there's no guarantee he'd be able to keep to steady visits which would obviously be distressing for my son.

As I said, I'm frustrated and annoyed at him because if the situation was reversed I know I'd think well supervised is better than none. But to some degree understand that the fact he knows he'd be a risk to my son (wouldn't change nappies, would ignore him crying etc) and so feels as he'd not be able to do any of the parenting stuff he should just back off.

I'm just hoping he keeps his promise that when he's in a better place he'll start those supervised visits.

(He has mental health problems - more severe than mine. And when a baby cries or poos its a total sensory overload and he'd just walk out and not deal with it. Regardless of if that meant the child was alone.)

Mossop93

I think the only thing stopping me from hating him (aside from the fact he gave me my son) is that he does keep in contact with me regarding our son and shows an interest.

flutterby_lil

Mossop93 wrote: »

Wow, quick replies.

Thank you so much. As I said it sounded far fetched but made me worry.

I'm not sure I'd have the OH adopt him, not until he's much older at least. Mostly because his father has valid reasons for not wanting contact. I still think he's a twoddle for it, but I don't want to do anything to risk my son thinking I pushed his father out his life I guess.

I think that spurs for my own childhood though.

Thank you so much for helping me stop stressing. I've had one of those days today where you feel a bit like the whole world is against you.

And yes, quite tempted to give her a slap. I admit to being a bit childish and calling her a liar in front of witnesses lol. So wanted to say/do more but knew it would only bite me on the bum.

I perfectly understand your reasons, for me it is completely different, my son's sperm donor walked out on me when I was pregnant and never saw him.

Mossop93

Oh no what an idiot!

We were still together for most of my pregnancy and have been in regular contact since. We have the occasional chat about life itself and support each other emotionally to make sure our son is bought up right.

I think that's mainly why I don't hate him. Because while he may not see him he still shows he cares? He's got him presents too so its only really the actual spending time together he's missing out on. And as I said in a previous post, as much as I wish he'd have the supervised contact I can to some degree understand that knowing he would neglect our son if left alone with him has meant he feels he shouldn't be a part of his life properly until that's not a factor.

I dunno, is that crazy?

flutterby_lil

Mossop93 wrote: »

Oh no what an idiot!

We were still together for most of my pregnancy and have been in regular contact since. We have the occasional chat about life itself and support each other emotionally to make sure our son is bought up right.

I think that's mainly why I don't hate him. Because while he may not see him he still shows he cares? He's got him presents too so its only really the actual spending time together he's missing out on. And as I said in a previous post, as much as I wish he'd have the supervised contact I can to some degree understand that knowing he would neglect our son if left alone with him has meant he feels he shouldn't be a part of his life properly until that's not a factor.

I dunno, is that crazy?

In one way it is very grown up of him, and caring towards your son, but in one way I would be screaming out saying "just give it a chance". If he spends time with him supervised then he will realise how much he loves him and how great children are.

How old is your son?

Good you can be grown up and speak to the father of your child.

Mossop93

That's exactly how I feel!

I'm incredibly grateful he's made a sensible decision like it, but as you say you want to give them a shake and hope they see that supervised visits are better than none. Especially as that supervised visit could help him become more capable as a parent!

Our little monkey is just shy of 3. So although there is barely any crying he's still a smelly poo-er. To the point even I've had moments where my eyes water and I consider asking someone else to do it haha. Of course I don't, but think that's helped me stay calm in the situation as I understand its a very overwhelming smell and its only my maternal side that makes me handle it.

If I was a bloke and had no bond with the child I can understand it would be very difficult to handle.

I have to laugh when family have him as they've all said they hate the poo's. They're toxic and they hate having to lift his bits to give them a clean (only child I know who can get poo over his entire penis) and they feel "wrong" doing it as aren't his parent.

Its forums like this that keep me grown up. Because I can come on here and have an anonymous temper tantrum when it gets too much. As there'll always be someone there to say "calm down and have a glass of wine" or some such thing and remind me its okay to get overwhelmed/stressed

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

If your husband wants to adopt your son -it gets a little more complicated. The law used to say the mother had to give up her rights as a birth mother and both halves of the couple had to go for joint adoption but my understanding is that is no longer the case.

But the child's father would normally have to agree to giving up his parental responsibility.

cte1111

Mojisola wrote: »

But the child's father would normally have to agree to giving up his parental responsibility.

Only if he had parental responsibility in the first place! Not all biological fathers have PR, if they were born before December 2002 or weren't present at the registering of the child's birth.

My daughter's father did not have PR, she was born before Dec 2002. When we split up I expected him to apply for it, he chose not to.

Since then I have married and my husband has applied and been given PR for my daughter. We started the process when I was pregnant with our son and was unwell. If I had to be taken into hospital I wanted to be sure that my husband could take my daughter to the doctors (for example) if she were ill. It cost us very little to do the PR process as did the forms ourself and took them to the court in person to be checked.

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

But the child's father would normally have to agree to giving up his parental responsibility.

cte1111 wrote: »

Only if he had parental responsibility in the first place!

Well, he couldn't agree to giving it up if he didn't have it!

Vomityspice

Mojisola wrote: »

But the child's father would normally have to agree to giving up his parental responsibility.

Your almost right! As part of the assessment for step parent adoption, the social worker from the local authority will make enquiries about the biological father (irrespective of if they are on the birth certificate).

Ideally, you would want them to consent, but if they don't, then the court has powers to dispense with their views.

Remember the court will consider the child's right to know their father.