I cannot do this anymore - anyone can offer advice or kind word?

Lala789

Ronaldo_Mconaldo wrote: »

Just out of interest, at what point in your life with this man did you decide that it would be a good idea to throw some kids into your lives. What were you thinking?

Before the kids, we had our normal ups and downs like any relationship does. Nothing of this sort plus he was like a different person. He was always talking about kids and being a parent and to be honest, I never had any reason not to believe him that he is going to be a great dad. I could never imagine he would turn out to be the worst husband and father. I was at the point of moving out when I fell pregnant with my second child and even at that point things were nowhwere near as bad as now. When you are being emotionally abused by someone, you think completely different than you normally would and make different decisions. I missed my opportunity back and yes, I do blame myself for choosing this person as a father to my children and. I live with the guilt of not giving my kids a better family every day. It was my choice and they are now carrying the consequences no matter how much I am trying to make up for the absent father.

Lala789

Gigglepig wrote: »

Go get legal advice. If you have already reported him for violence it should not be that hard to get an occupation order so he can't return to the house? In the unlikely event that you can't force him to move, you can make arrangements to leave.

In terms of practical advice, Get together all the important papers like passports, birth certs, financial papers, store them at your parents house or somewhere else safe like a bank box. Women's aid is a great idea. There are also many threads on here with practical advice and stories of how people get by step by step.

You don't need to put up with it any longer if you don't want to.
Mediation/counselling may help communication regarding access and childcare during access.

He refuses any mediation or counselling. I have asked his friends and family to talk to him but he just got angry with them and it led to nothing. He wants the court to decide.

Thanks for your advice about passports.

mcja

Oh Lala, you have done nothing wrong babe. You made a mistake and feel in love with a !!!!!!, that's not your fault, its his. PLEASE PLEASE ring Womens Aid. A refuge would be better than where you are now,and you can start to build a new life.

Keep posting on here, sadly lots of people can give you first hand advice.

Xx

RAS

Hi

Women's Aid covers all forms of abuse https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

Please ring them urgently.

bagginslover

Lala789 wrote: »

Before the kids, we had our normal ups and downs like any relationship does. Nothing of this sort plus he was like a different person. He was always talking about kids and being a parent and to be honest, I never had any reason not to believe him that he is going to be a great dad. I could never imagine he would turn out to be the worst husband and father. I was at the point of moving out when I fell pregnant with my second child and even at that point things were nowhwere near as bad as now. When you are being emotionally abused by someone, you think completely different than you normally would and make different decisions. I missed my opportunity back and yes, I do blame myself for choosing this person as a father to my children and. I live with the guilt of not giving my kids a better family every day. It was my choice and they are now carrying the consequences no matter how much I am trying to make up for the absent father.

I have nothing to add to the advice that you have already been given, but I can entirely sympathise with the above. My ex was the perfect partner til I fell pregnant, then he turned into exactly the person your husband seems to be. Emotionally abusive, he tried to convice me I was going mad, distanced me from family and friends, would outright lie to my parents when I tried to leave him on several occasions to get them onside, told be on multiple occasions I'd be a terrible mother and that I should abort (which I did eventually, but because our baby wasn't going to survive anyway, not because he told me to!).

I did finally break free, and you can too.

tayforth

((((Lala789))))

Please don't feel guilty in any way. Your husband's behaviour is his OWN responsibility, not yours. You're doing the right thing by divorcing him and getting your children away from him.

I've recently left an abusive marriage, it's very hard to even recognise emotional abuse so you've done incredibly well to see it for what it is. What he's doing to you is completely unacceptable and very sinister.

Do get in touch with WA or Refuge, they will help you.

Record his behavior and words too. And contact the police again - they should have a domestic abuse unit. Domestic abuse is a crime, they will take you seriously.

Get all your important documents out of the house, as Gigglepig advised. And anything of sentimental value - photographs etc.

Would you be eligible for help with your rent if you moved out? Have you contacted Citizens Advice?

tayforth

Re the flat that your husband owns - as part of the divorce, you will both have to declare your assets, and the judge will divide them between you. If you've been working PT so that you can look after the children, that means that you've sacrificed your own earning potential for the family. Which means that the judge is likely to award you half the marital assets, and force the sale of the flat your husband owns so that you can split the proceeds. Is there any equity in the flat, do you know? Also, does your husband have any savings?

Lala789

Thank you Tayforth, I feel so ashamed to go to CAB because I should be able to get out of this mess by myself since I have allowed for this to happen/carry on for so long.

My children are well loved by myself, my family and my friends and I am so scared he is going to get Social Services involved. He is a pathological lier, even invented a fictional name he gives to people who are not close to him and he has threaten he will "tell the Social Services and the police the whole story". Basically, he is going to make things up and lie and it really scares me. He has called me and the mothers of his other kids parnoid, crazy, evil and the rest. How do I fight lies when I was brought up in an honest family and my friends are the same as me?

Mojisola

Lala789 wrote: »

Thank you Tayforth, I feel so ashamed to go to CAB because I should be able to get out of this mess by myself since I have allowed for this to happen/carry on for so long.

Abuse undermines your own sense of self and eats away at your self-confidence. Ask for and accept all the help you can get to move away from this man. Once you're out from under his shadow, you'll be able to become yourself again.

My children are well loved by myself, my family and my friends and I am so scared he is going to get Social Services involved. He is a pathological lier, even invented a fictional name he gives to people who are not close to him and he has threaten he will "tell the Social Services and the police the whole story". Basically, he is going to make things up and lie and it really scares me. He has called me and the mothers of his other kids parnoid, crazy, evil and the rest. How do I fight lies when I was brought up in an honest family and my friends are the same as me?

Fight lies with truth. Unless he has evidence to back up his lies, he won't be believed. And the more he rants, the more unbelievable he will become.

RAS

Lala789 wrote: »

He has called me and the mothers of his other kids parnoid, crazy, evil and the rest.

So he has a lot of form? Do you think that Social Services might just be aware that he does not tell the truth?

There is a very long thread on here by Rainbow Dreamer whose partner told the SS and courts all sorts of lies about her. He took the children several times and they were returned several times.

The court recently awarded her residency and ordered limited contact with him because of his lies. it took time but it happened in the end.

Her children were very young, so it was easy for him to lie and for the children not to be able to tell the full truth, but even so CAFCASS and SS saw through his stories.