Bay 3 months chucked into FULL time nursery

brians_daughter

Not read all 11 pages...
My youngest was 'chucked in a nursery" at 8 weeks old along with her sibling who was 2 at the time. Unfortunately I didn't foresee my snake of an ex husband running off with my best friend when I was 14 weeks pregnant.

The other options included claiming benefits and loosing my home or terminating the pregnancy. Much better, IMO, to be 'chucked' into a childcare provider than not living in a safe, secure, happy, loving and financially stable household.

j.e.j.

clairehi wrote: »

Has nobody read this post by the OP???

The putative mother to be (who is not even pregnant yet) doesn't want to put the child in full time nursery.

She has told her "husband" this but he "wants her pregnant in the next 3 months"

This is disgusting behaviour and frankly, domestic abuse, if he gets her pregnant against her will.

The full time nursery issue is a red herring.

If this is true and not a troll, someone needs to tell this woman to speak to Womens Aid urgently.

I really, really hope this point is not lost among the SAHM/WOHM bashing.

:rotfl::rotfl:

Have we both been reading the same thread?? Where on earth does the OP say the person concerned wants to rape his wife? This board astounds me at times.

I have never said women should not have a career, nor have I said what individuals should or should not be doing. In fact if people would bother to READ what I'd put on the very first page I said myself that I would probably in all likelihood put my baby into nursery, if I had one!

What I HAVE said is that there is no shame in being a home-maker, on the contrary women who choose to raise their children themselves, and look after their home and family rather than concentrate on a career are making just as valid a contribution to society, possibly an even greater one.

I give up, tbh. :wall:

People seem to read what they want to read, and get hysterical, possibly because the thread hits a nerve with them and they are not comfortable about their own situation. Why not deal with those feelings rather than ranting irrelevancies at some stranger on an internet forum.

I am outta here :wave:

lostinrates

FatVonD wrote: »

I can understand where the OP is coming from, once you take sleeping into account working such long hours you would have to accept that the nursery would have more of a hand in bringing up your baby that you do. I can see that it would do the baby no harm being in full time nursery but it's not something I'd want to do. After waiting so long to conceive I wanted to enjoy every minute of my son's babyhood that I could. Luckily I was in the position that I was able to downsize so I was mortgage-free and take 4 years off work.

Once he went to school I did make the decision to go back to work and, to be honest, if I had my time again (and going by some of the figures I read on here), I'd have found a part-time job locally and claimed tax credits. I have hated not being there to pick him up from school when he's had problems with bullying.

That said, he's just finished his GCSEs and is desperate for a summer job, really focused on what he wants to do as a career so I have at least instilled a good work ethic in him

I too can see the opinion of people who want to stay at home parent. What I cannot see is that it better to impose the choice on all. Very personally, I also think that the terms in which one poses ones choices impact on the children too. So a go to work mother with compassion for others choices probably teaches her child more about social compassion, for example, than a sham who is derogatory and closed minded about other people's choices.

FBaby

My daughter was a terrible sleeper so for the first 3 years, she slept with me. She used to wake up at 6 am, had long naps mornings and evenings and was full of beans when I picked her up, so we did spent plenty of time together!

neverdespairgirl

I work full-time, and have a son who was 8 years old last week. My OH also works full-time, but I gather from this thread, that's far more against me than him, I'm a mother, but he's a father and it's to be expected that he's out, grafting.

In some jobs, you can take 5 or 10 years out, and return to work relatively easily. My mother taught until she was pregnant with me, then took a 17 year maternity break, then went back part-time (1/3rd of a timetable) at the school my sisters and I graced with our adolescent attentions. She taught me for part of my geography A level.

Barristers can't do that very easily. If I took 5 years off, I'd have quite a bit of trouble re-instating my practising certifcate, Bar Mutual Insurance, and getting a new place in Chambers. I'd have an awful lot of Continuing Professional Development (CPD) hours to make up. I might have to go back to Bar School, I'm not sure.

Even when I was allowed to practise again, I'd have no work to go back to - I'd effectively be starting all over again.

So I did 2 days in court when my son was 5 weeks old (I "chucked" him at my mother, and both Granny and newborn appeared to survive the experience with relatively limited long-term emotional damage). I then went back part-time when DS was 3 months old, and full-time when he was about 5 months old.

The concept that a baby / toddler is abandoned with strangers is a weird one. After all, spending time together, they won't be strangers that long, will they?

DS hasn't ever been to a childcare nursery - we've had a nanny since I went back part-time, which will be 8 years in September. We've had the same nanny all that time. She's hardly a stranger - Isaac loves her dearly, and she loves Isaac. When we don't see her for a while - Christmas / New Year break, or summer holidays - he misses her. She's very important to him, and part of our family, too. She doesn't live with us, as she has her own perfectly nice house.

THat's great, as far as I'm concerned. I've never been possessive about my son, and the more people he loves, and who love him, the better. He has a very good relationship with my parents, sisters and brother, too - the more the merrier!

There are mothers on this thread who work because the family finances demand it - that's a perfectly valid choice to make, as far as I'm concerned.

When DS was born, we could have afforded for one of us to give up work, but that was never really an option we considered for long.

I have every respect for good stay-at-home parents, as I do for good working parents. My mother was a SAHM for 17 years completely, and then worked 1/3rd of the time for a further 7 years after that. My best mate stays at home with her daughter, who has just turned 3. More power to their elbows. They both made a decision (my darling Mama and best mate) together with their respective husbands, that was right for the family as a whole.

My decision was different. I didn't want to stay at home for years with my son, it wouldn't suit me. I enjoy my work, I'm good at it, and it's valuable, useful work too. My Mama has been wholly supportive of that choice - it didn't come as any surprise to her, because she knows me very well. She's helped out with childcare sometimes, before we got our nanny, and if Sam's been unwell or away for family reasons. But my mother doesn't need me to approve her choice in any way, she's secure in her own position, and happy with her own choices, so she doesn't need me to make the same choices in order to justify her own. Similarly, best mate's never criticised me for my choices, or me her, for hers.

Some women wouldn't be happy giving up their careers, and I'm one of them. I'd be miserable as a SAHM for very long, and I can't see that this would be good for my son.

We are very lucky we have more of a choice than women used to. My Dad's always said that he thought his own mother found staying at home as a married mother difficult. Of course, some women have always worked, but there was a particular resonance to it in the 1950s - in some working class communities (such as that in which my Dad grew up) it was a sign of respectibility if a mother didn't work, and a slur on her husband's ability to provide for the family if she did.

My paternal grandmother was a nurse, and ended up as matron at a London hospital through the blitz. She was good at what she did, enjoyed it, and didn't enjoy being at home, especially once her sons (my Dad and his older brother) were at school.

Now we just have to cope with idiots such as the OP - not a bad trade off, I suppose, in the circumstances.

We do have a higher standard of living than if I were to stay at home, and that's good for us as a family, too. We don't tend to buy lots of "stuff", but my son adores being able to go surfing, he loves ski-ing, and benefits from those family activities, too.

My Granny used to say that "a mother's place is in the wrong", and some of the views in this thread certainly appear to show that this hasn't changed since she had young children!

FBaby

Great message neverdespair. Which reminded me that I stayed in contact with my childminder for years after she stopped minding me, and my kids, to their own accord, stayed in touch with a couple of nursery staff they were particularly close to, one especially who has really made an effort to still be part of their life. When she left the nursery, she was heartbroken and asked some parents if we minded if she stayed in touch because she would miss our kids much. Mine were delighted. That was 5 years ago and still they see her occasionally. Not all nursery workers hate their job and only do it because they have too. Most have chosen it as a career because they adore little kids and will provide them with much affection and attention. But maybe that is the issue for some parents, they don't want their kids getting close to someone else and it really is more about them than their kids.

Bangton

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I work full-time, and have a son who was 8 years old last week. My OH also works full-time, but I gather from this thread, that's far more against me than him, I'm a mother, but he's a father and it's to be expected that he's out, grafting.

In some jobs, you can take 5 or 10 years out, and return to work relatively easily. My mother taught until she was pregnant with me, then took a 17 year maternity break, then went back part-time (1/3rd of a timetable) at the school my sisters and I graced with our adolescent attentions. She taught me for part of my geography A level.

Barristers can't do that very easily. If I took 5 years off, I'd have quite a bit of trouble re-instating my practising certifcate, Bar Mutual Insurance, and getting a new place in Chambers. I'd have an awful lot of Continuing Professional Development (CPD) hours to make up. I might have to go back to Bar School, I'm not sure.

Even when I was allowed to practise again, I'd have no work to go back to - I'd effectively be starting all over again.

So I did 2 days in court when my son was 5 weeks old (I "chucked" him at my mother, and both Granny and newborn appeared to survive the experience with relatively limited long-term emotional damage). I then went back part-time when DS was 3 months old, and full-time when he was about 5 months old.

The concept that a baby / toddler is abandoned with strangers is a weird one. After all, spending time together, they won't be strangers that long, will they?

DS hasn't ever been to a childcare nursery - we've had a nanny since I went back part-time, which will be 8 years in September. We've had the same nanny all that time. She's hardly a stranger - Isaac loves her dearly, and she loves Isaac. When we don't see her for a while - Christmas / New Year break, or summer holidays - he misses her. She's very important to him, and part of our family, too. She doesn't live with us, as she has her own perfectly nice house.

THat's great, as far as I'm concerned. I've never been possessive about my son, and the more people he loves, and who love him, the better. He has a very good relationship with my parents, sisters and brother, too - the more the merrier!

There are mothers on this thread who work because the family finances demand it - that's a perfectly valid choice to make, as far as I'm concerned.

When DS was born, we could have afforded for one of us to give up work, but that was never really an option we considered for long.

I have every respect for good stay-at-home parents, as I do for good working parents. My mother was a SAHM for 17 years completely, and then worked 1/3rd of the time for a further 7 years after that. My best mate stays at home with her daughter, who has just turned 3. More power to their elbows. They both made a decision (my darling Mama and best mate) together with their respective husbands, that was right for the family as a whole.

My decision was different. I didn't want to stay at home for years with my son, it wouldn't suit me. I enjoy my work, I'm good at it, and it's valuable, useful work too. My Mama has been wholly supportive of that choice - it didn't come as any surprise to her, because she knows me very well. She's helped out with childcare sometimes, before we got our nanny, and if Sam's been unwell or away for family reasons. But my mother doesn't need me to approve her choice in any way, she's secure in her own position, and happy with her own choices, so she doesn't need me to make the same choices in order to justify her own. Similarly, best mate's never criticised me for my choices, or me her, for hers.

Some women wouldn't be happy giving up their careers, and I'm one of them. I'd be miserable as a SAHM for very long, and I can't see that this would be good for my son.

We are very lucky we have more of a choice than women used to. My Dad's always said that he thought his own mother found staying at home as a married mother difficult. Of course, some women have always worked, but there was a particular resonance to it in the 1950s - in some working class communities (such as that in which my Dad grew up) it was a sign of respectibility if a mother didn't work, and a slur on her husband's ability to provide for the family if she did.

My paternal grandmother was a nurse, and ended up as matron at a London hospital through the blitz. She was good at what she did, enjoyed it, and didn't enjoy being at home, especially once her sons (my Dad and his older brother) were at school.

Now we just have to cope with idiots such as the OP - not a bad trade off, I suppose, in the circumstances.

We do have a higher standard of living than if I were to stay at home, and that's good for us as a family, too. We don't tend to buy lots of "stuff", but my son adores being able to go surfing, he loves ski-ing, and benefits from those family activities, too.

My Granny used to say that "a mother's place is in the wrong", and some of the views in this thread certainly appear to show that this hasn't changed since she had young children!

All I can say is :T and I love granny's quote. ..never a truer word

Toothfairy4

Great post neverdespairgirl! I think you have summed up what many of us were trying to get across to the OP.

trevorsminted

Oh my goodness I come back having been away to find my thread is still riding high in the top threads :j

Ok once again I am very grateful and thank you all for the feedback, good and bad. I have taken the fact I am illiterate, chauvinistic, a troll that lives under a bridge etc etc etc but I will again reiterate I was merely asking on behalf of my equal life partners friend, frankly I couldn't give two hoots in fact I actually agree with the ones that said what about the fathers contribution to spending time with the kids, in my case I was able to provide a salary to compensate my wife working and I agreed I did work approx. 35 hours a week possibly leaving my DW to do the majority of work. Anyway have added some full stops for the lovely OP who was tickled pink at my longest sentence they had every seen, and well done all you girls who work you show hubby whos boss and burn that bl&&dy bras you want to work and leave your kiddies at nursery with only strangers until the kids are used to them then good on each and every one of you!

Keep up the thread, me and me wife take off in the motorhome but I shall pop in to see your interesting threads, I have requested my wife keeps opinions with friend to herself and lets her make her own choices, whether my wife does or not I have no idea there is only so far my chavanistic controlling powers will go :T its up to her and her OH to decide what is best for their child to be after all, my wife and I have decided to leave them to it.

PS. I did coach the school rugby on a sat/sun morning if that counts as bonding time with my boys but who knows!

trevorsminted

Oh and also I was referring to a newborn baby approx. 3 months old going to childcare I said nothing of pre-school or school age children and mothers working, my lovely wife did actually work part time once the kids were into pre-school or nursery as it was referred to in my day.