Best way forward ?

Robinson_Crusoe_2

Good people of MSE

I am a long time member of the MSE forum (Usually post on Techie, Gardening, etc), but have created this identity to remain anonymous - hope you don't mind me doing that.

I also hope you don't mind me giving a little background...

I am a white male in my late 40's.

I suffer from depression. It has been there all my life, but only recently became a major issue. I would always swing from low to high then back down to low. Several years ago I lost both my parents (within a year of each other), my work suffered, my marriage suffered and I found I could not cope.

My GP was great and I probably owe him my life. After nearly 2 yrs on anti-depressants I was stable enough to come off them. Fortunately my work were unbelievably understanding and I initially had a few months off on full pay.

However, my marriage had suffered irreversibly (in my opinion) and I made the decision to leave after nearly 20 yrs of marriage - I severely and deeply regret that decision now, but such is life and I certainly don't want to rake over the past. I am fully divorced and trying to start again.

I am in contact with my daughters and my ex is understanding and copes very well with my "moods".


However, I am deeply alone. I have a job, a house, one or two close friends (but not many), but I live in a totally different part of the country from where I grew up.

I don't want to be alone any more, but I am really unsure what I want or how to go about finding someone.

At work, I am all smiles and laughter - people would not believe me if I told them I suffer from the mental illness that is depression. But, in reality, I am quite shy and my nerves make me very inhibited in new situations.

I did join a group that meant I could get out of the house and go for walks or coffees, etc, but I never went to any of the meetings.

I did join PoF about a year ago. But, my self esteem is now non-existent thanks to a couple of very nasty people. I know they are the minority, but I am so afraid to meet anyone because of the bad experience.

Not that I am religious, but I have even thought about going to church just so I can get at least some social skills, but even that is too much and I never go.

I want to move forward, but am too scared, and I really can't see a way forward. I don't want to go back on medication as that was horrible. But, I need to do something, only I don't want to get hurt or meet nasty people. My social skills are poor and my nerves hide the true me unless someone takes time to get to know me, but by then, it is usually too late.

I really am at a loss what to do.

BitterAndTwisted

You need to get out and about with no expectation that you will meet a new partner, just to try and open up your circle of friends.

That group you joined but never went to the meetings: just grit your teeth and GO! There are many, many people out there who are shy, self-conscious or with poor social-skills and most of them manage to have friends or partners. You could be one of them but you have to get yourself out of the house to meet them.

Have you ever suggested organising something out of work-hours with your work-colleagues? Nearly everyone can be persuaded to go out for a shandy or a coffee after work, most especially on the summer months.

Dating sites suit some but are not the arena for those who are delicate or vulnerable. Face-to-face suits them much better.

marisco_2

When you are in the midst of depression and struggling to cope with your emotions it can cloud your judgement and how you view yourself. As an outsider looking in I think you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. That is not meant in anyway to undermine the difficulties you have and face, it is just an observation from things you have advised us of.

I haven't lost either of my parents yet and I cant even begin to comprehend how painful that must be. Especially in your case when they died within such a short time of one another. You barely had time to grieve and come to terms with such a momentous loss, when you were faced with the same pain all over again. I am not surprised that your work suffered, that the stress and strain had an impact on your marriage and that you found it hard to cope. You did have the strength and presence of mind though at that time to turn to your gp and seek help. Many who suffer from depression don't do that and life turns into a downward spiral.

It must have been a very painful decision to end your marriage. It speaks volumes about what a decent guy you are that you have remained on good terms with your ex, not everyone can do that. You also have contact with your children and maintain a good relationship with them.

Despite going through two of life's most stress inducing situations whilst suffering from depression, you pulled yourself through and hold down a job where you can be all smiles and a good team player, with colleagues who are completely unaware of all you are going through.

Have faith in yourself that people like you as a person and enjoy being around you. There is no secret formula to meeting others you just need to put yourself in as many social situations as you can and start talking to people. Keep it all relaxed and informal, just go with the flow and see where friendships lead. Don't let a couple of negative experiences from people off of dating sites put you off. There are plenty of really nice people out there. What are your interests or hobbies? Could you think about joining a running or cycling club, they can be very social.

spirit

If you feel you are not yet ready for dating but just want to get out and about, try looking on here for your local meetup group. https://www.meetup.com

you put your postcode or area in and any groups within about 20 miles or so will come up.

Some are social groups who meet for dinners,walks, theatre etc and some are more specialised depending on your interests.

[Deleted User]

OP lots of good advice by well respected posters. It makes lots of sense, well to me anyway.

Btw, you are not alone in how you feel, i can relate to what you wrote. Depression, the facade, marriage break up, feeling lost and alone.

I think others have been more helpful with advice, but I wanted to validate your feelings and say - hi, pleased to meet you, you actually belong to a group. We are just a tad more sensitive and care about what others think.

Your doing great, just keep up positive thoughts as much as possible and don't doubt yourself.

dancingfairy

Is there anything you used to do that you fancy taking up again, even if it was in your childhood? something sporty? maybe badminton or a running club or something?
the meetup thing sounds good, it's a shame you haven't made any of the meetings yet. Why not give it a go? You don't have to go there with the aim of meeting a life partner, just go and have a chat and see who's there. It's definitely a numbers game -ie if you meet say 50 people the chances are you will get on well with at least one or 2.
Are you placing too high expectations on yourself? are you running disaster scenarios in your head?
i'm sorry you met such horrible people online before :mad:, you must have been very unlucky.
I think to a certain extent it is a case of just do something, anything, but if you really can't face anything at all then it would be wise to speak to your doctor. You may find different tablets help, you may need counselling etc.
best of luck
df

JoW123

One of my close male friends has long-term depression in that he has experienced it on and off for over twenty years. He could have written a lot of your opening post especially the bits about struggling with social contact and meeting new people. One of the things he has found really helps is exercise. I wonder if that would help you as I guess its also possible to meet new people through exercise e.g. running groups, cycling, walking etc. Maybe there would be a bit less pressure with a common theme?

Pixiechic

It's not always easy doing things on your own, especially if you lack confidence.

What about hobbies and interests?

You say that you enjoy gardening, why not get an allotment?

Do you enjoy any sports? Activity and exercise will help the depression too. Do you read? There maybe a book club, anything interesting locally?

Find something that you think you may enjoy, take a deep breath, and go

Robinson_Crusoe_2

Many thanks to all of you for your very kind words and suggestions - it really is appreciated.

One thing I have learnt to do is cry (bit embarrassing, but there you go). I never used to show my emotions, not even to myself, and to a very big extent I bottled everything up like a pressure cooker with obvious results. Now, I find that even the most trivial thing sets me off. I can be even watching a comedy and be laughing and crying at the same time. It is very strange and certainly not normal. (To be honest, it's because I think of my father and know he would be there laughing with me...)

Anyways, suffice to say that the posts have made me cry - not for bad reasons, just overwhelmed.

I will try to answer points in each of the posts, so please bear with me and I apologise if it gets boring.

Robinson_Crusoe_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You need to get out and about with no expectation that you will meet a new partner, just to try and open up your circle of friends.

Yes, I agree totally with this. But it is a huge effort on my part and I bottle it at the last minute. It is this fear that I can't seem to get over.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Have you ever suggested organising something out of work-hours with your work-colleagues? Nearly everyone can be persuaded to go out for a shandy or a coffee after work, most especially on the summer months.

To be honest, it's the other way round. A few weeks ago there was team night out. I even bottled that in the end, giving my boss a lame excuse that a family issue had cropped up.

I think the main problem there is that everyone talks about work and I want to leave that in the office when I finish the working day.

Plus, there are only a couple of people at work (good friends) who know about what I really went through, and I think I'd prefer to keep it that way. So would start to panic if work colleagues started asking awkward questions.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Dating sites suit some but are not the arena for those who are delicate or vulnerable. Face-to-face suits them much better.

Whilst I do agree, I did like the ability to approach someone anonymously (if you see what I mean) to at least break the ice. But, I don't think I would join a free site again anytime soon.

Robinson_Crusoe_2

marisco wrote: »

Have faith in yourself that people like you as a person and enjoy being around you. There is no secret formula to meeting others you just need to put yourself in as many social situations as you can and start talking to people. Keep it all relaxed and informal, just go with the flow and see where friendships lead. Don't let a couple of negative experiences from people off of dating sites put you off. There are plenty of really nice people out there. What are your interests or hobbies? Could you think about joining a running or cycling club, they can be very social.

This post made me cry. Thank you for the kind words of support.

I used to play golf, but since moving down here, I haven't played. I know it is a poor excuse, but everyone seems to be so much better at it than I am (which would seriously not be difficult). I think I would be too embarrassed to play with someone now unless they are a complete beginner.

The other problem is my hobbies and interests. I admit to being a bit of a geek. I love anything to do with computing and also Sci-Fi. Ever seen Big Bang Theory? - see how awkward those guys are? - and that is even out my league as I can't seem to even get out of the door to put myself in that situation in the first place.

ETA: PS: Would just like to add that I don't collect comics, don't have any action figures* and certainly don't have any "uniforms". :rotfl:

*I do have a scale replica, limited edition, pewter Freddy Mercury statue (a 1/8 scale replica of the monument that stands at Lake Geneva) that I won in a competition many years ago.