The OS Doorstep - a helpful and supportive thread in these tough times

floss2

nitnurse-not2 wrote: »

I was given one courgette plant which is producing masses of fruit. What on earth do I do with it????

There's a thread about courgette overload on the Greenfingers board, that might help!

fuddle

Great to see you posting SDG and even though your post is stressy, bless you, you seem upbeat and chipper hang on in there x

It blew up here last night. I was very brave and told my mam that I preferred it if she didn't come down to visit on Friday yesterday morning. I was feeling bad because I knew the rejection would send her to the bottle. No word from her all day until 6pm when the texts saying the message I sent her yesterday (eh? It was this morning!) was very hurtful and made her very upset. She then wrote that I'm very selfish for making the girls change schools again if/when we move. I flipped because it was emotional messing designed to bring me to my knees at worst or upset me enough to say oh come down mam, it's ok, at best. Neither worked. I called her very angry and gave her the second ultimatum (done it before but backed down) in that I didn't want to see her until she had picked all the bottles up and put them in the spare room so I can take them away and that she had taken steps to get her drinkinging under control. She didn't fight, just in her pathetic voice 'ok, whatever I'm going to watch the telly now, see you when I see you' then she changed 'see you when I see you, you nasty selfish b*tch' I screamed 'you won't see me while you're like this and if protecting myself from you is selfish well so be it because you're ruining me with your poison' I hung up, went into the kitchen, sobbed and ended up in a panic attack, I scared the kids, eldest screamed for their dad out the bath because she thought I was having a heart attack. He did his thing and calmed me down, helped me breathe.

I'm so raw this morning. I feel extremely guilty for hurting her and I know that I'm adding to her problems but by me being nice, turning a blind eye etc its making it easier on her to live with the drink while killing me emotionally. She will do anything for a drink and even called my 8 year old a liar when she told me she had seen grandma drinking vodka out of her bag when they went for a walk. She apparently told eldest that she was a trouble maker and that she didn't like her any more. DD is 8 for goodness sakes. I'm not having it around me. So I'm determined to stick with this. I don't like her, don't want to be around her but I'm hopeful that the hurt if not seeing her grand kids will eventually make her get the helps he needs.

I won't say any more but my support network is on this thread and can't make any apology for trying to access it at the moment. I'm going to visit kez today with the girls. I'm hoping kez will help me rid it all. I've also found a al-anon group that do chats online. There's one at 8pm tonight. I'm going to try it out because I can't let any of this ruin me and my family.

VJsmum

Oh Fuddle, how awful for you


I am not sure someone like that will see sense - and certainly not through anything you can do, they have to come to it themselves. I wonder if cutting all ties is the only way to keep yourself sane. Lynne would be better for this than me as she has experience but I think your mother may have to be left to her own devices, you are banging your head against a brick wall.

Sad for you

Possession

No wonder you were upset Fuddle. You've done the right thing, she can't be trusted with the girls if she's sneaking sips of vodka while she's with them, and she certainly can't be talking to them like that. She is the only one who can control her own behaviour, you can't do it for her and you are not to 'blame'. Only she is responsible for what she says and does (and drinks). I think going to Al-Anon sounds a very good idea.

cutestkids

Fuddle you know that you are right you have to protect yourself and your own family, sometimes we have to resort to tough love .

SDG31000

((((((((((((((((( fuddle ))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't you dare feel guilty for protecting yourself and your girls. Yes your mom has an illness, but that in NO way entitles her to play mind games and guilt trips on you and especially not on your darling girls. She has to decide that the drinking needs to stop,and if you upset her or tiptoe around her, until she is ready she is still going to reach for the bottle. In no way is it your fault.
I wish I was there so I could give you a huge hug and feed you tea and cake. I'm sure that the lovely kezlou will be doing that today and bless her for it. Al-alon seems like a good idea and I really hope it helps xxxx

Molly41

Im in the dog house this morning - literally. In the night I woke my husband up patting him on the back and telling him to not bark at the foxes outside. Usually I tap Molly on her back and she shuts up. He couldn't get back to sleep after so is tired this morning:eek:

Hope those waiting for exam results get the grades they need. It is not the end of the world if they dont though x

savingqueen

Morning all and belated warmest welcomes to the newest newbies!

Hugs SDG - you will get through today, heck you are getting through today and we are cheering you on behind the scenes. Hope results are good and other DS feels better soon.

Fuddle - huge hugs to you. Am I allowed to feel very angry with your mum too? If you don't see your mum, naturally you feel sad and guilty - though you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. NOTHING. If you see your mum, you are vulnerable to the extreme behaviours and emotions your mum displays. Your mum is erratic, unpredictable, spiteful, uses emotional blackmail and the list probably goes on for a long time and your daughters are being exposed to this. Speaking to your DD in the way she did is completely unacceptable. Only you can decide if/when you see her and I understand your reasons for continuing your fragile relationship. However no-one would blame you for NOT seeing her, no-one except yourself maybe? Fuddle love, you try so bluddy hard for all your family and can do no more. Sometimes you reach a point when you can't please everyone and need to look our for yourself and your own small family. Could this be that point?

Your mum will only ever change if she chooses to and that may never happen. It is very difficult for an alcoholic to quit drinking - if she had professional support she would have more of a chance. I do feel empathy for alcoholics BUT having personal experience of alcoholism and heavy drinking with past and present family members, I'm afraid the bulk of my empathy goes to those affected.

I hope I haven't said too much or the wrong thing. I apologise if I have. As you know we have similar issues with MIL and to a degree FIL still ongoing and we made the painful decision not to have them over to us at least for now (its been well over a year) though we will probably see them at a future family do (and what fun that will be!) One thing is firm - they are never taking our children out in their car again or looking after them on their own - we cannot trust them with our precious boys whilst they drink.

Fuddle, I am glad you feel able to share this difficult stuff with us and we will always support you and whatever decisions you make. I think accessing that on-line support for yourself is an excellent idea.

I am sitting around in my nightshirt and need to get my btm in gear. Taking my 2 and a friend's 4 year old out to a big park for a picnic and run around. DS9 is very good with littlies, I think it's good for kids, boys particularly to help look after younger ones, pets etc.

bye for now, check in this eve if I get time, take care everyone
sq:)

savingqueen

Molly41 wrote: »

Im in the dog house this morning - literally. In the night I woke my husband up patting him on the back and telling him to not bark at the foxes outside. Usually I tap Molly on her back and she shuts up. He couldn't get back to sleep after so is tired this morning:eek:

Hope those waiting for exam results get the grades they need. It is not the end of the world if they dont though x

Oh Molly, that sounds funny to us but not for you if DH is tired and grumpy. Big hugs to you both, just get through today as best you can and hopefully a better night's sleep tonight awaits.

sq:)

[Deleted User]

FUDDLE pet, I'm so sorry that you had the situation with your Mum again last night. I don't think moving will hurt the girls at all, I think it would be the best thing for all of you if you like the area and the job is secure and you like the south of the country. Alcoholism is a difficult and bitter thing that blights more lives than those of the alcoholic, it is a way of hiding from a world that is not what you want it to be, perhaps even hiding the fact from yourself that you are not what you want to be as a person. None of what your Mum has become is of your making love, not your fault, not caused by anything you have said, done or thought, and certainly not because you haven't! I hope you have a very nice day out with Kez and her lovely little family today, your trip to Dorset is coming up very soon and hopefully you will then be on your way to a brand new start in life which will be the best possible thing for you at this time. Your Mum will have your sister so no guilt needed that she's on her own in the North, Love and hugs and lots of them too, Lyn xxx.

MOLLY that is priceless, poor Mr Molly, I hope he didn't have to have breakfast on the kitchen floor in a bowl this morning!!!I hope you managed to get back off to sleep too!!! I would watch him carefully for a few days, just in case he develops a tendancy to chasing cats!!! Hope your sons results are what he needs, please let us know so we can celebrate with you, Cheers Lyn xxx.p.s Docky says to tell Mr Molly that squirrels are very fun to chase too!!!