Can someone help please? :( VERY long post.

Lou67

As I said, I am having a word with her soon, so ta-ta for now and thank you all AGAIN Speak later xxx

Kynthia

OP - you have this summer to correct some mistakes aswell as train your daughter to be a self-sufficient adult by the time she goes to uni. She will need to know how to cook, especially cheap and healthy meals not just ready meals. She will need to know how to clean and look after herself, as I remember some who couldn't even use a washing machine! She will need to know how to budget her money, write cheques, set up direct debits, not get into credit card debt, etc. This is all in addition to having a work ethic.

Please start treating her like an adult, having honest discussions with her and put an immediate plan in place to teach her the above as too much 'kindness' will hurt her in a few months.

neverdespairgirl

Lou67 wrote: »

It is an academic degree, but I know many many people who have shedloads of debt, who spent years at uni, and can't get a job at Primark now. I just would have preferred her to have gone onto an apprenticeship, rather than go to uni: it's just my personal preference, and of course, it's up to her what she actually does, as it's her life.

I'm not TOTALLY against it, and I certainly don't think it's stupid or a waste of time: I just think you can have a successful life and career without going.

I'm certainly not saying that university is essential to have a good life and career, but I do think it's a very valuable experience in itself.

gfplux

My Daughter has just finished her second year at a London Uni studying English and History.
Last year in the summer she had no assignments but quite a long reading list. This year the same. This has not got in the way of her working full time at a fast food restaurant for the last FOUR summers. She has also over these years worked during the Easter and Christmas holidays for the same company.
During term time she is registered with an events/catering company and has put in a few hours with them.
All of this has taught her that you have to work hard to earn money and if you are reliable you keep your job. It has also taught her that she wants a good degree so she has more choice in the type of jobs she can take.
Given this commitments her mother and I have no hesitation in helping her out when we can.
Your daughter needs introducing to the real world ASAP.

SmallL

I'v just finished university and would reccomend using summers to get RELEVANT experience to what career area she wants to go into.
ESPECIALLY if its a specific/technical or competative field.
The amount of 'entry level' jobs that arent sales/marketing/recruitment is very low.

Bella73

To be honest I stopped getting an allowance when I was 13 after that if I wanted something I had to pay for it. Had a part time job from then onwards.

Stop the allowance and give her no money from now on. Once she realises that no money means no going out, no new clothes, make up etc it might focus her mind a bit more.

It's all well and good you indulging her but she needs to learn. A good start would be doing her own washing and irons and things from now on as she's not a child anymore or are you going to do everything for her forever? Plus you need to teach her to cook as takeaway food is expensive and bad for her.

Lou67

Kynthia wrote: »

OP - you have this summer to correct some mistakes aswell as train your daughter to be a self-sufficient adult by the time she goes to uni. She will need to know how to cook, especially cheap and healthy meals not just ready meals. She will need to know how to clean and look after herself.

Please start treating her like an adult, having honest discussions with her and put an immediate plan in place to teach her the above as too much 'kindness' will hurt her in a few months.

Thank you Kynthia.

I have now had a word with her, and it wasn't actually as bad as I was expecting. I pretty much said to her, that if she doesn't intend to work next summer, where is she going to get her income from...because the allowance that we give her will stop from the end of the summer holidays this year. She said 'I know!' But the thing is, she said (the other day,) that she won't need to worry about money through summer next year, because she will be at home. That is what made me worry that she was expecting to be 'kept' for the summer.

I said that she probably needs to put some money aside for next summer, in case she can't find any paid employment, and if she doesn't, she will have no income. She said that she will probably ask the uni to help her look for something related to her course, and if not, she will try to secure something: but she doesn't know for sure what she will be doing, until closer to the time. I did make it clear though that she will be penniless if she doesn't save money or get a summer job.

After speaking to some people - including people on here - I am pretty sure that after nine months at uni, she will mature and grow and will want to earn extra money, as she will not have that much. I have made it pretty clear though, that we cannot and will not be giving her money, and after this summer, the handouts will end. She said 'it's OK, I understand: I didn't expect to get pocket money through the summer when I am on hols from uni.' I guess I misunderstood her.

As I said, it's not her fault she is lazy with little work ethic: it's ours - for mollycoddling her and doing everything for her, waiting on her hand and foot and giving her lifts everywhere. I have no objection to the lifts, because I would rather she was safe, but she does need to do more stuff around the house as she is rather lazy and has poor work ethic.

I told her that I want her to ask her employer if they can give her some more days during the summer, as it will give her a financial head-start. She said she would ask them next week, so it's early days, but I am making a start with trying to make her a bit less lazy LOL.

Also, she actually does know how to do stuff around the house, and she can actually cook, from scratch too; (in fact she taught me a few recipes!) So she is capable of things, it's just getting her to get off her backside and do them! So I said I will give her til the week after next, but then I want her to start helping me with housework, as she has no stress of A levels and studying now.

Also, I said that I have asked many people about uni work during the summer holidays, and it seems you're not likely to get any, so again, I made it clear that she will HAVE to work if she wants money, or else save money from her maintenance grant.

As I said though, I am hoping that after her time at uni, she will be a different person: she is pretty lazy now, but it's not her fault: its mine, so as Kynthia said up there ^^^ I have this summer to try and prepare her for life away from home...

I think she will be OK, and like I said, I could do a lot worse for a daughter! She is a loving kind girl, she is just lazy: but I am trying to undo that. I used to be a rather lazy teen, but am now a very hardworking and uber-tidy person. So it can be done!

Thank you all again. You have been so helpful and so lovely.

amus

Just to add, employers dont always look at those with the best grades, but for those with the best attitudes/references/work ethic. That was certainly the consensus from people I know in the pharmaceutical and teaching industry. So I would say employment during higher education is probably as important as the uni work itself!

busiscoming2

I haven't read all the replies OP, but when my DD went to Uni she stayed in halls during the term time and had a part time job as well. During the Summer months she changed halls (to a uni that let out in Summer) and kept her job.
DS1 stayed in halls for the first year and then rented privately with some other students but he didn't work at all for the three years. He was very good at budgeting his student loan to see him through.

We didn't subsidise either of them, just bought them the odd thing and some food stuffs when we visited.

The only chores they had had to do prior to going to Uni was change their beds and do their own ironing and they both managed fine.

Lou67

UPDATE on the teen daughter issue. She has been working in her p/t job 4 days a week for the last 4 weeks, as most of her pals are working, and she got bored LOL! And she got a big fat paycheck this week, (a month's pay,) and offered us half! I said it's OK, but did take a fifth of it towards petrol, for running her around. And at least half a dozen times now, she has asked if she can help with what I am doing; I keep saying no though!!! Hard habit to break.

She said that she will more than likely work the summer hols next year, as she has been told her uni will arrange work for her connected to her degree. OK, mountains may not have moved as she is still untidy and isn't offering to do stuff as often as I would like, but things are improving. She has taken all the hours her work has offered and has helped me put washing out, do shopping and carry shopping and also a bit of housework.