Wife cheated - Can it ever work out?

gt568

Once a !!!!!!, always a !!!!!!. Bin her...

pukkamum

My friend went through this with her dh 6 yrs ago, it was a terrible time and there was a lot of bad stuff happening at the same time in other aspects of their lives.
They came through it and are out the other side now 6 yrs later they are very happy, it took time but she says the trust has been rebuilt, it had to be she says otherwise they may aswell have called it a day back when it happened.
Once they had had all the rows, accusations and upset, he made it clear to her as did I that if they wrre going to make it work she could not keep bringing it up or using it as punishment.
It took much tongue biting on her side, she had to resist the urge to shout, yes but you cheated, everytime they rowed, and she said for ages a surge of anger and hurt would erupt but she learned to put a lid on it and now she can talk about it without the emotional turmoil it did bring.
On the other hand she told him there had to be complete transparency in their relationship, he had to allow her access to his phone and pc, until the trust was back.

waccoe_2

tayforth wrote: »

If you haven't yet done so, read waccoe's thread ('Affair, can't forget') to see the effects of resentment on a marriage.

Please have a look at my thread, it is rather long but there is so much help and advice that could apply to the situation you find yourself in.
I wish you all the best and if you need to talk to a bloke in a similar position, send me a private message.

stormbreaker

coolcait wrote: »

As you see the timescales it goes
[/LIST]It could also go like this:

• the OP's wife cheated on him at a point more than five weeks ago
• this leads her to tell him that "she didn't feel the level of love toward [him] that she thought a woman should with her husband"
• they both then "sat down [together] and tried to work through what was wrong and [they] both decided to try harder at [their] marriage
• 3 weeks later the OP's wife is admitting to having cheated on [the OP]. This honesty may be a result of the couple putting work into their relationship.

I don't agree with infidelity.

However, I do think that each individual couple has to deal with it in the way which works for them. It may (or may not) be easier to do that if the infidelity is a once only incident, rather than a long-time deception.

This is how I read it. I also think you discuss things when having family and work out what you think will be best all round.
When I had family I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mum, in reality after a few months I was pulling my hair out and returned to full time work when my son was 10 months.
It's not until things are in place that you realise the impact.
Having family is hard work which no one and no book can truly prepare you for. Some find it harder than others. The resentment can build up very easily if alone and having to cope.
I don't agree with infidelity, but we all make mistakes. It all boils down to whether you can trust her again. Best of luck.

stormbreaker

I think the admitting that she perhaps does not love him in the way she should could have been her trying to admit her infidelity. It must be extremely difficult to open up and admit such a thing. Equally difficult to deal with the guilt.

eschaton

If it was me, she would have been booted the second she admitted what she had done.

No if, but, maybe - gone for good.

morocha

I know we get one side of the story here but im humbled to read how many people want to makr their marriage work besides all the suffering and pain that the partner brought to them. My husband knows , it is does not matter how much i love him, if he is does not care that much about me, my feelings, my emotional health so he cheats on me, i will kick his butt out , i deserve better than that.

Oh i hope you make it work, as thats what you want, she needs to compromise with work, you need time with your son aswell.

spender

Sometimes you have to fix things instead of throwing them away.

She admitted it, she feels remorse, she loves you.

HEPPY1990

What a shame I'm not sure I could forgive but without being in the situation its hard to say

Toonsy

Hi guys. Cheers for all the replies. I've read them all and there is some great help and stuff in there so thanks once again.

Things seem to be going well. Nobody in the family knows about her infidelity so being able to chat on here is a great outlet for me.

Regarding my job, I'm going to carry on doing it for the next few weeks. Partly out of respect for my boss (who does know what has happened!) and has moved everything to give me a few days off when I needed it, partly because I need to give a bit of notice so they can get somebody trained up to replace me and partly because I need those last few weeks of money so I can take the wage drop from a position of financial strength. It will be hard being away but I'll have to swallow that and get through it.

I know a few people have said about her going to work full time. That's an option I've looked into but with a son who would require nursery care for the extra two days and with the costs involved it's barely worth it in terms of wage increase as there wouldn't be any. Maybe £30 a month if that. Plus he's only 14 months old and I wouldn't want him shoved into nursery all day every day. He's got 13 years of that to come when he gets to school age lol

I've also seen something about just hearing my side of the story which is fair enough. We've been talking a lot in these last few weeks and have been more open than I can remember us being for a while. I've told her I think she has depression and she went to the doctors yesterday who confirmed it so now she is in that process of getting it sorted out hopefully. I've asked her what brought it on and a number of things cropped up like loneliness and boredom whilst I'm away.

Anyway I'll keep updating as and when and if I need to talk I know where to come. You've been great guys, cheers