Wife cheated - Can it ever work out?

Toonsy

First off let me say that I never joined MSE with the intention of writing something like this but I've read other stories and felt inspired to share mine and hear your views. It's quite a long one so please bear with me...

Basically about 5 weeks ago now my wife burst into tears and told me she doesn't think she loves me anymore, not as she feels she should love a husband anyway. We talked and I couldn't really get to the bottom of the problem but we both agreed to try harder in our marriage.

A couple of weeks ago I was at work and phoned her up. Nothing out the ordinary although she did seem a bit down so I text her afterwards asking if she was OK and all I got back was a "Yeah fine, we'll talk tomorrow" kind of thing. With everything that had gone on and with me working away alone all I get is time to think, so I phoned her back up and explained that her saying that would just put my mind into overdrive and she broke down in tears and confessed that she'd been cheating on me.

She says it was just once but that doesn't matter. Once is enough. She also says it was a mistake, that she felt like she couldn't get closer to me like she wanted to do because she was feeling so guilty and ashamed. Now she's confessed she says she feels like she can be herself again and that she now realises that she DOES actually love me. She's also admitted that she resented me from when our son was two weeks old (he's now 14 months old) because of my job.

Basically we had problems with her getting pregnant but eventually despite medical intervention it just happened naturally. We were both delighted but both knew that it would mean big changes. She didn't want to work full time after our son was born and an opportunity came up at work giving me a significant payrise covering the loss of her dropping hours and a bit extra. Overall it would mean our income stayed the same near enough and it would give me a bit extra to tackle the debt with. The only problem is that it required working away for four days at a time which we discussed and she was happy with as she was getting what she wanted out of it even if it did mean sacrificing me being at home each day.

I've been doing that job since my lad was two weeks old and I hate it but do it just for the money. Once I've shifted the debt I was always going to quit anyway.

The problem I have is that when I'm at home things are great now. She says she is 100% committed to us and that she has nothing to hide anymore. The problem is that when I'm away, alone, I can't help but let my mind wander. I made a promise not to throw it back in her face even though I've felt like it but that kind of thing will just end up in causing resentment.

I'm quitting the job so I'll be at home more as that is what she wants but it means that we'll be a bit worse off financially.

Can it ever work out though? I love her very much, she is my first love really and we've been together for so long I can't imagine life without her.

emweaver

If you both want it to work and still love each other yes it can. I have no advice but wish you the best of luck.

InsideInsurance

There is enough people out there that have gotten over the infidelity of a partner to say that it certainly is possible to. There are however many that break up over it and so clearly not everyone can.

If you still love her then there should be a way to work it out. The most obvious thing would be to remove the cause that made her feel bad and resulted in her doing what she did. The second thing is to obviously improve your communication so that if something else is upsetting her in the future she talks to you about it before it gets to the level of driving her to make rash decisions.

Whilst money is important, family is more so.

System

how long will it take you to pay your debts off... you really need to go home.

Bangton

It's early days so of course you feel upset, wounded and betrayed. You can't expect to just say 'so what, it happened' and then just move on. But at the same time it sounds to me like you want to be with her, you love her and you want things to work. So yes, I do think it can work out and I personally think some of the strongest couples are the ones who have made it through betrayal and come out the other side.

The one thing I have to say though is it does sound a little like she is calling the shots. She didn't want to work full time because of your child so encouraged you to work in a job that involved you working away. Now, ultimately it seems that may be her reason for cheating and thus you have to quit your job and be at home more. It's about compromise..don't be the one doing everything to make her happy as ultimately you'll end up resentful. If you want to make things work you have to be able to talk about your feelings, wishes and needs just as much as she does..

bugslet

I'm female and my OH had an affair with a woman he met whilst working away. He'd been working away for about 6 years for five nights a week. personally, I think it's very difficult to sustain that much time apart for most couples. You lose too much of the day to day stuff that is the glue of a relationship.

Affair trundled on for a couple of months and we got back together and we had a good few years together until his health detiorated. Once we got over the first tough months - and they were tough! - I didn't regret taking him back.

My advice and it's really up to you and your wife to work out what is best for both of you, is to both agree to work at what is wrong together, get the talking over and done with and then start anew. I made it policy after a couple of months not to raise the issue because I felt that whilst I had a right to be upset, there comes a point when it can't help the relationship get back on track.

Good luck

danthemoneysavingman

Don't miss your child growing up, you never get the time back...

zzzLazyDaisy

OP I am so sorry that this has happened. But the positive thing is that she acknowledges she made a mistake, she has told you about it, and she wants to make a fresh start. It seems that you still love her and want to be with her, so you have a good chance of getting through this. I agree with those who have said that you need to remove the issues that led to this happening. However much you working away seemed like a good idea at the time, it isn't working.

Your wife has raised your child on her own, pretty much as a single parent, during the week, almost since he was born. Yes, you were on the end of the phone, but that doesn't help when the baby won't stop crying, when you are dead on your feet from night feeds, and when you are just desperately lonely. The fact that it was her suggestion originally doesn't change the practicalities. No she shouldn't have done it - but it was a one-off mistake and not a full blown relationship (some might think there is no difference, but what matters is what you think).

As Judi says.... you need to go home.

Williamf1989

If you love her you can. I did.

Guest101

Personally I would be makign alot of changes to how the house worked.

I'd quit, and let her go back to work.

Not only have you missed out on your child growing up, to suit her decision, but then she throws that back at you. Perhaps she'd like to see how it feels to be away from her child for days/weeks on end?

Trousers my friend, put them on, you should be wearing them now!!

zzzLazyDaisy

Guest101 wrote: »

I'd quit, and let her go back to work.Not only have you missed out on your child growing up, to suit her decision, but then she throws that back at you. Perhaps she'd like to see how it feels to be away from her child for days/weeks on end?!

Right, so the strategy is to go home and punish her by separating her from her baby. And you think that is going to make her feel happier and more likely to want to stay in the marriage? Perhaps you missed the bit where OP said he loves her very much and can't imagine life without her?