Wife cheated - Can it ever work out?

marisco_2

I will be completely honest with you OP and say that your wife comes across to me as a selfish person. 5 weeks ago she told you that she didn't feel the level of love toward you that she thought a woman should with her husband. That must have come as devastating news to you. Naturally you sat down with her and tried to work through what was wrong and you both decided to try harder at your marriage. Just 3 weeks later she is admitting to having cheated on you. That indicates to me that despite your talk she had little intention of putting any work into your relationship. Going behind a partners back, lying to and betraying them does nothing to resolve original issues or problems that a couple are facing. It just adds more mess to the equation and causes awful hurt, pain and mistrust.

Your wife told you about what had been going on as she felt guilty, ashamed and unable to get close to you. It would seem that now you know about her cheating, she feels she can be herself again and carry on as before, as if nothing much has happened. This shows a total disregard for, and lack of understanding about, just how devastated her revelation will have left you feeling. It also displays a horrible level of contempt when someone tells their partner, that having gone with someone else they have now realised that they love them after all, and it was just a big mistake. As if you are someone she can pick up and drop as the will takes her. Do you trust that when the going gets tough in future she wont do the same again? To tell you at this time that she has resented you for almost 14 months, due to you being away from home working a lot, suggests that she is also at least partly trying to defer blame for what has gone on to you.

That you have made a promise not to throw the affair back in her face suggests to me that she thinks it is now out in the open, faced, dealt with and will not be raised or discussed again. Yet you are clearly totally cut up about it all still, with your mind wandering and going over it all in alone times. I am left doubting whether you have expressed all you are feeling about what has happened with your wife. All the while you don't do this your thoughts and feelings will eat away at you, running the risk of their being resentment and bitterness thus causing a detrimental effect to your relationship. I realise there is a very young child caught up in the middle of all this, so to be sure of how you really feel for each other has even more importance and significance. For all your sakes and wellbeing try to address this situation with your wife thoroughly, either by yourselves or with the help of a third party through an organisation like Relate. Once you have done this you will be better placed to make a careful and considered decision, as to whether things can work out and if you wish to continue to be married to her or not.

spacey2012

Looks like the other bloke has dumped her and your the "safe option".
Harsh ? but the truth usually is...

j.e.j.

You need really to know how long this affair has been going on for, and if she still sees the guy (whether platonic or not). Otherwise it'll eat away at you.

You've both got a child together, I hope you can both work things out.

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

I will be completely honest with you OP and say that your wife comes across to me as rather a selfish person. 5 weeks ago she told you that she didn't feel the level of love toward you that she thought a woman should with her husband. That must have come as devastating news to you. Naturally you sat down with her and tried to work through what was wrong and you both decided to try harder at your marriage. Just 3 weeks later she is admitting to having cheated on you. That indicates to me that despite your talk she had little intention of putting any work into your relationship. Going behind a partners back, lying to and betraying them does nothing to resolve original issues or problems that a couple are facing. It just adds more mess to the equation and causes awful hurt, pain and mistrust.

Your wife told you about what had been going on as she felt guilty, ashamed and unable to get close to you. It would seem that now you know about her cheating, she feels she can be herself again and carry on as before, as if nothing much has happened. This shows a total disregard for, and lack of understanding about, just how devastated her revelation will have left you feeling. It also displays a horrible level of contempt when someone tells their partner, that having gone with someone else they have now realised that they love them after all, and it was just a big mistake. As if you are someone she can pick up and drop as the will takes her. Do you trust that when the going gets tough in future she wont do the same again? To tell you at this time that she has resented you for almost 14 months, due to you being away from home working a lot, suggests that she is also at least partly trying to defer blame for what has gone on to you.

That you have made a promise not to throw the affair back in her face suggests to me that she thinks it is now out in the open, faced, dealt with and will not be raised or discussed again. Yet you are clearly totally cut up about it all still, with your mind wandering and going over it all in alone times. I am left doubting whether you have expressed all you are feeling about what has happened with your wife. All the while you don't do this your thoughts and feelings will eat away at you, running the risk of their being resentment and bitterness thus causing a detrimental effect to your relationship. I realise there is a very young child caught up in the middle of all this, so to be sure of how you really feel for each other has even more importance and significance. For all your sakes and wellbeing try to address this situation with your wife thoroughly, either by yourselves or with the help of a third party through an organisation like Relate. Once you have done this you will be better placed to make a careful and considered decision, as to whether things can work out and if you wish to continue to be married to her or not.

I agree with marisco.


By all means, work at your marriage and give it another chance, but don't let her call the shots. She has unburdened herself to you, causing you untold devastation, and is now acting as if everything is fine just because she's admitted it. Furthermore, you're treading on eggshells and vowing not to 'go on about it' for fear of upsetting her.


This is a bad idea. I'm not saying that you should bring it up regularly for the rest of your life, but right now, you're still in shock, and you need to work through your emotions, and it's not selfish to do so. Suppressing your feelings now will likely lead to resentment later. If you haven't yet done so, read waccoe's thread ('Affair, can't forget') to see the effects of resentment on a marriage.


You need to talk. On this thread, to your wife, to your family, to trusted friends, to a professional counsellor - whatever works for you. But don't feel that you have to suffer in silence. In the long term, it will do you no good at all and it won't help your marriage - quite the opposite.


Wishing you the best of luck.

Guest101

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Right, so the strategy is to go home and punish her by separating her from her baby. And you think that is going to make her feel happier and more likely to want to stay in the marriage? Perhaps you missed the bit where OP said he loves her very much and can't imagine life without her?

Nope, didnt miss that at all.

Perhaps you missed the bit where the wife is taking advantage of the caring nature of the OP.

first by quitting work and forcing OP to work double, then by complaining that he's working too much, and then by cheating. And the has the cheek to say dont throw it in her face?
All the while the OP is missing out on his child growing up!

Thought the world was equal these days?! oh wait, not quite

Dimey

I agree with Marisco & Spacey 2012.
I hope it does work out for you but be careful. The way your wife has acted has been deceitful (not the way someone who loves you acts) and so has the way she's leaked the information to you. I just hope there's nothing more to come out.

geoffky

For me once the trust leaves a marriage, So do i...

VitaK

For your own sanity, you do need to deal with the past and present.

Turtle

I agree with those who say you get past it. But you both have to really want to and make every effort possible to deal with the issues in your relationship.

coolcait

marisco wrote: »

.... 5 weeks ago she told you that she didn't feel the level of love toward you that she thought a woman should with her husband. That must have come as devastating news to you. Naturally you sat down with her and tried to work through what was wrong and you both decided to try harder at your marriage. Just 3 weeks later she is admitting to having cheated on you. That indicates to me that despite your talk she had little intention of putting any work into your relationship. Going behind a partners back, lying to and betraying them does nothing to resolve original issues or problems that a couple are facing. It just adds more mess to the equation and causes awful hurt, pain and mistrust.

...

As you see the timescales it goes like this:

• 5 weeks ago, the OP's wife told the OP that "she didn't feel the level of love toward [him] that she thought a woman should with her husband"
• the OP then "sat down with her and tried to work through what was wrong and [they] both decided to try harder at [their] marriage
• 3 weeks later she is admitting to having cheated on [the OP]. That indicates ...that despite [their] talk she had little intention of putting any work into [their] relationship.

It could also go like this:

• the OP's wife cheated on him at a point more than five weeks ago
• this leads her to tell him that "she didn't feel the level of love toward [him] that she thought a woman should with her husband"
• they both then "sat down [together] and tried to work through what was wrong and [they] both decided to try harder at [their] marriage
• 3 weeks later the OP's wife is admitting to having cheated on [the OP]. This honesty may be a result of the couple putting work into their relationship.

I don't agree with infidelity.

However, I do think that each individual couple has to deal with it in the way which works for them. It may (or may not) be easier to do that if the infidelity is a once only incident, rather than a long-time deception.