How do I get things back on track?

Pseudonym1983

Hi, I've posted on here before but under a different name as I'd like to keep this seperate. I'd basically be grateful for your thoughts or ideas as I'm worried that my relationship with my fiancee is starting to fall apart and I don't want it to. Neither does she but it's my life, I think, that's causing the problems.

I'm 30 and she's 27 and we've been together for 4 years and living together for 3 years. She says she's noticed a change in me since I went through a bit of a nightmare - I found my neighbour hanging, got him down and attempt resuscitation until the ambulance arrived. Sadly he was dead and what I'd done had made no difference apart from put me through a lot of stress as his wife and daughter were watching and screaming. I'd also cut my hand opening his mouth and it turns out he had Hepatitis B and HIV - after an accelerated course of Hep B vaccinations and a year of HIV testing, I was given the all-clear so, from that aspect, life's good. However, everytime I hear kids screaming or see hanging on TV (Casualty / CSI etc...) I get nightmares which are very vivid. I have seen the community mental health people but theer's very little they can do.

Moving on, I was going to be made redundant from my job, however I found a new job and left before I was pushed - I'm not qualified for many other well-paid jobs due to teh specialisation of my 'trade'. However, this new job was a big move for both of us, to a beautiful yet very remote part of the country. This caused much upset with her parents, with them ganging up on her not to move and why doesn't she move back with them and I can visit? BTW, this job is in the Hebrides, both our parents live in north east England.

Once I was in this new job I was promoted to trainee manager in December 2012 and was given a list of courses to do over the next five years as long as working full-time. They are:

HNC Electrical Engineering - must be done by Summer 2014
MSc Explosives Engineering - start in Summer 2014 for 3 years
NEBOSH General Certificate - done!
Explosives Foundation Course - in two weeks
6-8 other courses of 1-2 weeks duration

As you can porbably guess, I'm quite (extreemly) busy, as well as having the new house to renovate, a car to fix so I can sell it and all the bills to pay. I get up at 6am and don't usually stop and relax until about 9pm. I also usually cook dinner in the evening as well. My fiancee works 2-3 hours a day and then just comes in and relaxes. She says I've never got time for her when I come in as I have the housework to do, ironing, washing etc as well as studying.

I also pay all the bills as what little she earns goes towards her pension (£100 per month) as she doesn't get a work pension, but I do. £100 might make a little difference around the house but I'd rather she put it away now for her old age.

Sorry for the essay but I am getting to my wits end - I don't sleep becuase I worry and, when I'm stressed I get more nightmares, which makes me more tired and I guess you can see where this is going....

Thanks for just listening, and any ideas will be greatly appreciated.

valk_scot

If she only works 2-3 hours a day, why isn't she doing the majority of the housework and cooking dinner? Then you'd have more time together in the evening.

tattycath

valk_scot wrote: »

If she only works 2-3 hours a day, why isn't she doing the majority of the housework and cooking dinner? Then you'd have more time together in the evening.

Agree with this post. Why isn't the fiancee doing more around the house and the cooking?

thorsoak

1. Are you actually living together?

2. If so, why are you doing all the housework, ironing, washing, and cooking when she works 2-3 hours a day?

fluffnutter

Tell your OH to get off her lazy arse and help out around the house. Get some counselling for the PTSD you sound like you're suffering with. Good luck. Time heals most things.

Errata

If you haven't had some counselling for the trauma you experienced with your neighbour's death, it may help you to ask for sme.
If your fiancee doesn't want your relationship to fall apart tell her to roll her sleeves up and get stuck in with the practical side of things - cooking, cleaning and laundry would be a good start.
What on earth does she do all day?
If she's not willing to do that, send her back to her mum's for a while.

marisco_2

How does your fiance expect you to make time for her whilst you hold down a full time job, study, cook dinner, do the housework, iron and wash? All the while she is working just 2-3 hours a day and then coming home and relaxing. Even the money she earns isn't contributed to your disposable income but put by for her pension to use in her old age! It is your choice if you wish to live like this but it seems like a very odd set up to me.

Every relationship requires give and take on both sides, not one party doing all the giving and the other blatantly on the take. Currently your relationship has no balance to it and this is negatively effecting any quality time that you could have as a couple. A bit of honest talking, compromise and reaching an agreement on pulling together more as a team is what is required.

Pseudonym1983

Crikey, very quick replies! Yes, to clarify, we do live together and have done so for three years. I don't know why she doesn't do as much, she cooks her lunch and does her washing up in the day then either watches TV, surfs the internet or goes running. I do ask her to do more, she does for a while then it's back to the usual behaviour. Am I being unreasonable?

I had counselling after my neighbour killed himself, and it seemed to work, however when I get stressed / busy, I find it's very hard to turn my mind ioff for want of a better expression. I then end up replaying events in my head - I don't do it deliberately and I wish I knew how to stop. The nightmares cause arguments as I disturb her sleep as I thrash around etc, but when I go to sleep in the spare room, she also gets upset that I'm not in with her. There are time I just want to find a corner, curl up and cry! Sad, I know.

tattycath

Pseudonym1983 wrote: »

Crikey, very quick replies! Yes, to clarify, we do live together and have done so for three years. I don't know why she doesn't do as much, she cooks her lunch and does her washing up in the day then either watches TV, surfs the internet or goes running. I do ask her to do more, she does for a while then it's back to the usual behaviour. Am I being unreasonable?

No you're not being unreasonable-she is. A relationship is a partnership, with give and take on both sides. She sounds like she is behaving how she would behave if her mum was looking after her.
She needs to get off her backside and share the load.

I had counselling after my neighbour killed himself, and it seemed to work, however when I get stressed / busy, I find it's very hard to turn my mind ioff for want of a better expression. I then end up replaying events in my head - I don't do it deliberately and I wish I knew how to stop

I would go back to the docs if I were you and get more help to deal with the PTSD.

The nightmares cause arguments as I disturb her sleep as I thrash around etc, but when I go to sleep in the spare room, she also gets upset that I'm not in with her. There are time I just want to find a corner, curl up and cry! Sad, I know.

Sorry, but your other half doesn't seem very considerate or supportive. IMHO.

I don't think you're sad I think you're looking for support- she should be assisting you not making your life more difficult.

Lovelyjoolz

She sounds incredibly selfish. She does practially nothing all day, watches you work yourself to the bone and then whinges that you have no time together? She's a brat.

And to get angry with you for having nightmares? Unbelieveable. If my OH was suffering nightmares like that I would do everything in my power to help him. Even if that meant staying awake all night to soothe him when the nightmares start. I certainly wouldn't get angry with him over something he can't control!

You are breaking your back for this woman and she doesn't appreciate you. I'm sorry hun, but it's her that's the problem, not you. Send her back to her parents and tell her to come back when she's grown up enough to take part in an equal partnership.

I just want to give you the biggest hug. You've been through an horrific time and you sound like such a treasure. I'm sorry you had to go through what you have. I have the utmost admiration for you.

xx

Errata

If she can mend her ways but then slips back, don't pick up the slack and do what she's decided she won't do.
You could try some more counselling, it might help again. And she's being hateful to you about your nightmares, not supportive and comforting.
So ..... she's bone idle, offers no support or comfort. Not exactly the catch of the year, is she.