Estranged grandmother - devepastated

Desperado99

Seeing it from the other side (we cut ourselves off from OH's mum for a while) I agree with Mojisola, there is nothing that would freak me out more to find out MIL had been watching our house (she would travel over specifically).

We (well, OH) are now back in contact but we will never be close to MIL and I still avoid her at all costs. Why? because she has never owned her behaviour. She has never said 'I know I was ill, but I'm sorry for what I put you through', that would go along way, but everything is still everyone else's fault. It's difficult to move on without any admission of guilt.

So going forwards, yes send a letter trying to make amends, you may not get a reply but you can try, carry on sending birthday xmas cards, but don't go over there unannounced. Contact resumed here mainly because OH's family nagged him into it (it had been a big split and others had also cut her off - he was the last to back down) but it took time. Be patient.

dizziblonde

I would also word a request to stay away (if my mum continues with her behaviour she's heading to get one) with a "We don't think it's a good idea..." because both of us DO have that opinion for perfectly valid reasons.

I'm sorry - I don't believe you're whiter-than-white in this. The way you've described how you've apologised is like my mother would "I'm sorry if you've taken offence at anything I've said" (basically "it's YOUR problem and I've done nowt but I can claim I'm being lovely and reasonable here") and the "pouring your heart out" letters... are you SURE they're not just my mother's style of page after page of self-pity, narcissism and thinly veiled blaming your daughter again and again? Again, although this may seem harsh, having seen my mother's routines of similar - where she'd subtly push me endlessly for a reaction and when I did finally react (after months and months of sobbing as she went home wondering what I'd done to deserve it) - she'd shriek, wail and play the victim to anyone and everyone who'd hear her (if she could figure out one end of the computer from another I'm sure she'd have hit up the internet to do the same).

I think you're being very cagey about what's actually kicked this off, I think you're latching on to anything offered to you as an "excuse" for it all and I think you're using access to the grandchildren as a means of attempting to control your daughter - and I think if you carry on pushing this hard, it's going to implode spectacularly and not in a very beneficial way. If you actually WANT to see them, rather than wanting to be able to be the victim - you need to find another way to solve this because what you're doing is obviously achieving nothing but digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Sorry to be harsh if you genuinely DO mean well - but how you've phrased so much stuff sounds exactly how my mother would do it - and she's a very narcissitic difficult woman to deal with (and WE are considering cutting contact with her so she can't screw up our children's lives like she did mine).

poppy10_2

chrissyr60 wrote: »

My daughter and i were very close prior to this and during the fall out (which i never dreamed she would allow to continue)...

The cause of the fallout was far from serious but my daughter escalated the whole thing ...

I am still in shock that she let things go this far

It takes two to argue. You seem to be denying any role in the fallout.
Without knowing what actually happened its hard to give any realistic advice

Pixiechic

The situation is difficult to understand as you seem very reluctant to say what the fallout was about.

It must have been something in order for your daughter to refuse to see you and access to your grandchildren.

Why so cagey?

chrissyr60

Pixiechic wrote: »

The situation is difficult to understand as you seem very reluctant to say what the fallout was about.

It must have been something in order for your daughter to refuse to see you and access to your grandchildren.

Why so cagey?

I am very surprised how many people on here describe me as being cagey and believe that i have an alterior motive other than i am devastated over this situation; it feels like a form of grieving and when i once mentioned this to my bereavement councellor (she asked about family support), she agreed that that is what it is like only it is grieving over a lost relationship as opposed to losing someone physically. i may be struggling to compose my postings as this is upsetting for me but i am certainly not hiding anything. It is purely the fact that this has been like a dripping tap situation rather than a one off thing. dont forget, my daughter has also cut off 9 members of her family besides me and we were all close. the fallout with her siblings were before she fell out with me and it seemed that she was slowly working her way through (maybe subconsciously) until there was none of us left.

I can understand the disagreements with her sister as she 'liked to drink' and even when she was diagnosed with cancer, she didnt stop drinking and also didnt attend all of her chemo and radiotherapy treatments; i would receive calls from the hospital that she didnt attend and i had to leave work and take her for treatment. My yd was quite rightly very annoyed at her sisters attitude and behaviour and also told me that i need to leave her to it and stop worrying myself with it all. (I couldnt do this as i was petrified i would lose my daughter), so, my daughters fell out.

My son, i am not entirely sure what happened precisely but my son and yd were extremely close prior to her meeting her oh. My yd's oh was in a tribute band and played guitar, my son was also in a band and played guitar and somewhere along the line, they went from being very close to arguing a lot, in particular, my yd would compare my sons guitar playing to her oh's and saying that he thinks he is as good as him but he isn't etc, etc and yes, that is as ridiculous as it was...falling out over such a thing. Considering how much she looked upto her brother and was so close to him and his children, they fell out!

During my 'children' falling out, i was often brought into the arguements (they were adults aged around 34, 29 and 25ish)in respect of being asked to sort each of them out. I had tried for a while but it became too much for me and i then left them to deal with it themselves....they were after all, adults.

Regarding myself and my daughter, as i said earlier, it hasnt been one thing in particular as over time, my daughter would get stroppy with me over the simplest thing such as timing how long my phone call to her was on xmas morning...i was 5 months into grieving my mother and on strong antidepressants, i surprised myself that i was even coping as such (albeit thanks to my husband) let alone calling everyone on the 1st xmas without my mother. She also complained that prior to this in November, when i visited her and my new grandson in hospital, i hadnt taken any photos of the baby whilst i was there. ( i had been sent photos that day and afterwards and also sat proudly holding the baby whilst she had a shower). She complained about this even though we struggled the long journey through heavy snow and again she didnt think about the fact that i was in a bad way myself but i still managed to get there as i loved them. It seemed she would always look at the negative and not the positive.

I believe that apart from my daughters oh's influence on her (a long story again...not bullying but phychological) that she may have hormone problems as most of the issues between us were between her two children. She would get upset thinking her oh was looking at other women, her confidence had changed etc. after her 1st daughter she had also been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries so im not sure if all this can have an affect on her moods. She since then had her son which was fantastic as she was told she would have difficulty conceiving again.

I have been trying to be very understanding of where my daughter may be at with her condition and the kind of relationship she is in and would never disregard her... i want nothing but the best for all of them.

It has also been mentioned that my ONE visit to my daughters could be classed as stalking...one visit directly outside of their home and seeing my grandson whilst composing myself to get out and knock the door does not constitute stalking. Whereby i mention that i have emailed and text etc, dont forget that it is now over 2 years ago and these texts, emails have been intermittent, not every day. If i hadn't done any of this, it would be construed that i hadnt done enough to make contact let alone try to resolve things.

Even though i feel like i have practically written my life story, i know it wont be enough for some people and they will still say there is more to it. Why would i come on here asking for advice if it wasnt for the fact that i am hurting so much and long to see them. One person compared me to her mothers situation; i am not like that and as i said previously, my daughter and i were very, very close, something has changed in her but it has certainly not been provoked by me. My letters were mentioned also as possibly 'wheedling' as i 'poured my heart out' and my apologising for anything i have done was compared to someone else which i find offensive as they were genuinely intended. I have nothing to hide in respect of my family and have never treated them badly at any time of their lives yet it seems that some people may be considering this.

I have now explained the best i can.

Heffi1

Your daughter sounds very manipulative, if that is how she chooses to live her life then I as her mother would be inclined to send one last text, email, or letter detailing how I felt, but if I did not hear back from her then I would not be trying again, she would know where to find me if she ever needed me, but the blaming me for all of her problems stops right now, from this moment on, she takes full responsibility for her own actions.

You are making yourself ill with the worry, you need to put this to one side, and I know how hard that will be, I have two children myself so understand fully what I am saying.

I have brought both of mine up to respect my views and for me to respect theirs as they became adults and could formulate their own opinions, but at no point did I allow then to treat me badly, the consequences of that happening were laid out very clearly. Here is the line, if you cross it then these are the consequences, they know it and as much as it would break my heart to do it, I would cut them off if i thought they treated me with anything other than respect as their mother.

We argue about things and disagree all the time, but there is no hostility and neither would I stand for it.

You are being a doormat to all of your kids and it is about time you realised that they are adults and can make decisions for themselves that us as parents might not like or agree with, but we sometimes have to put up with it.

I would not give her another opportunity to disrespect me again though. One final letter setting out my stall and leave to her to decided how she wants her life to be.

securityguy

chrissyr60 wrote: »

me me me me me

http://www.itv.com/jeremykyle/be-a-guest/

chrissyr60

Heffi1 wrote: »

Your daughter sounds very manipulative, if that is how she chooses to live her life then I as her mother would be inclined to send one last text, email, or letter detailing how I felt, but if I did not hear back from her then I would not be trying again, she would know where to find me if she ever needed me, but the blaming me for all of her problems stops right now, from this moment on, she takes full responsibility for her own actions.

You are making yourself ill with the worry, you need to put this to one side, and I know how hard that will be, I have two children myself so understand fully what I am saying.

I have brought both of mine up to respect my views and for me to respect theirs as they became adults and could formulate their own opinions, but at no point did I allow then to treat me badly, the consequences of that happening were laid out very clearly. Here is the line, if you cross it then these are the consequences, they know it and as much as it would break my heart to do it, I would cut them off if i thought they treated me with anything other than respect as their mother.

We argue about things and disagree all the time, but there is no hostility and neither would I stand for it.

You are being a doormat to all of your kids and it is about time you realised that they are adults and can make decisions for themselves that us as parents might not like or agree with, but we sometimes have to put up with it.

I would not give her another opportunity to disrespect me again though. One final letter setting out my stall and leave to her to decided how she wants her life to be.

Thank you. Reading your post is like listening to my husband as his views on how i am being treated and the fact that they are all adults is the same. He too was very close to my granddaughter (as he is with my other grandchildren) but he says that he has had to 'switch off' otherwise it would get to him also. He is not the father to my children but he has been very supportive and a great step-grandparent.

I have allowed my daughter basically to call the shots at times which i know now was wrong (my other daughter says that i had always spoilt her being the youngest) but i still find it difficult to understand how she can be this way when we were so close. I did bring them up with values etc but as my husband says, ive done my part and its not my fault how they decide to behave as adults.

It will be very hard to do but i think it is a good idea where you advised that i write a last letter and telling her that it will be my last....but of course be there should she need me in the future.

marmitepotato

I wouldn't bother with a 'last letter', I would just let her get on with it. She has complete control over you and she knows it. It's time for you to call the shots and get on with your life. Stop grieving, start living, it's time for you and the rest of your family to build on your relationships and make them stronger than ever. Your daughter will be back, when she does, just treat her like she's never been away.

Big hugs OP, I feel for you.

Heffi1

I am pleased you are thinking that way, it will hurt at first, but once she realises you are not going to be running after her, she may just take a moment to realise what she is missing, but do not count on her coming back soon. Small baby steps, give her the option of calling you or sending a text, but also let her know that your time of running after her is over and you are now going to enjoy your free time with your husband and start to smile again.

Hugs as I know how difficult you must be finding this.