Estranged grandmother - devepastated

Justicia

gibson123 wrote: »

i think i would be writing a note to say that no matter what she is always welcome in my life and home, she is still my daughter and I love her unconditionally. I worry when people break all ties and I suspect she is going to need some-one to turn to at some point.

...and ensure that the envelope it is sent in is typed and as formal-looking as is reasonable - this may make sure that it is opened and at least looked at and read through by the daughter and not just binned on first noticing any recognisable handwriting.

System

Have you ever thought your daughter might be 'hardened' because she has to be to continue to live with her partner?

Ive got to the stage in my life where I can be in bits emotionally but on the surface I seem quite indifferent. Its called self preservation.

I'd write her a letter an explain how much you love her. One day she might need you.

marmitepotato

gibson123 wrote: »

i think i would be writing a note to say that no matter what she is always welcome in my life and home, she is still my daughter and I love her unconditionally. I worry when people break all ties and I suspect she is going to need some-one to turn to at some point.

This is sensible advice. I would send the note and then have no further contact. All the time you are writing, ringing, texting, you are setting yourself up for false hope. Try and get on with your life and form even stronger bonds with your remaining children. I suspect your daughter will be back in your life at some point, meanwhile make yourself busy with other interests so you don't have too much time to dwell on this sad situation.


Good luck OP.

chrissyr60

pukkamum wrote: »

Oh my love what a horrible situation for you all, I have recently fallen out with my sister and cannot see a reconciliation coming any time soon.
All I can suggest is keep up the contact, have you tried writing her a letter, I know you suspect these may be binned but it's definitely worth a try.
Do you have a reason, she feels, to apologise?
Perhaps this is what she is waiting for.
Does she have any contact with other members of the family who could put forward your case.
If there can be no reconciliation then all you can hope is that eventually your grandchildren seek you out themselves.

thank you for your comments: Before it got to the stage that my younger daughter (yd) completely cut off all communication, i had tried everything to resolve the situation including apologising if i had upset her in anyway...this did nothing. Where other family liaising with her is concerned, my older daughter (od) and son had tried several times and this did not go down well, in fact, at one time my od text her sisters OH's phone saying how upset i am at the situation and could we talk etc, my yd reponded to her sister telling her to keep out of it and my (yd) text me (last real contact id had from her) saying that it was a mistake that i had involved anyone else and that she 'still loved me in her own weird way' but wants nothing more to do with her family. I have written and in fact each time i send a card, i enclose a letter to her which is, as i expect to happen, it is totally ignored. One of my fears is that they will eventually move home and i will have no contact address at all. I have tried all i can to show her how much i love her and the children but to no avail.

poet123

chrissyr60 wrote: »

thank you for your comments: Before it got to the stage that my younger daughter (yd) completely cut off all communication, i had tried everything to resolve the situation including apologising if i had upset her in anyway...this did nothing. Where other family liaising with her is concerned, my older daughter (od) and son had tried several times and this did not go down well, in fact, at one time my od text her sisters OH's phone saying how upset i am at the situation and could we talk etc, my yd reponded to her sister telling her to keep out of it and my (yd) text me (last real contact id had from her) saying that it was a mistake that i had involved anyone else and that she 'still loved me in her own weird way' but wants nothing more to do with her family. I have written and in fact each time i send a card, i enclose a letter to her which is, as i expect to happen, it is totally ignored. One of my fears is that they will eventually move home and i will have no contact address at all. I have tried all i can to show her how much i love her and the children but to no avail.

Was the falling out over something serious?

chrissyr60

pollypenny wrote: »

Oh, Chrissie, I really feel for you.

Why not write her letter, in the same way as you have posted, apologising for anything you have done wrong, but showings her your pain.

Thank you. I have poured my heart out to my daughter in various forms of correspondence and it hasn't changed a thing.

System

chrissyr60 wrote: »

Thank you. I have poured my heart out to my daughter in various forms of correspondence and it hasn't changed a thing.

It doesn't mean that she wont come back to you at some point.

chrissyr60

barbiedoll wrote: »

Do you think that her partner is putting pressure on her to cut ties from her family? It's odd that she mentions that "they" think it's not a good idea for you to see the children and that it's "not just up to her". Of course, you may have upset her partner too or perhaps he is just backing her up, it depends on what caused the falling-out.

Is she estranged from her siblings due to the same falling-out or is it for different reasons? What seems a trivial matter to you may be very important to her but you can't exclude the possibility that her partner is trying to isolate her from her family and friends, in which case, there's not much you can do but keep the lines of communication open. If you suspect anything like this, could you not try to meet her somewhere outside her home? (like in her local supermarket, outside the school/nursery, etc) Enlist the help of your other children if possible, do any of them live nearer to her?

I don't know what else to suggest, it sounds horrible for you and I do sympathise, as you say, grandparents have little or no rights over their grandchildren. I do agree that you should carry on sending the cards to the children, they are only young now but as they get older, they will notice the cards arriving from someone they don't know. And all children are curious about their family, they will start asking questions one day. Don't lose hope, with a bit of luck and some time to think, hopefully your daughter will reconnect with you at some point. And she may well need you sooner than you think if she is living with an abusive partner (I'm not saying that she is, but it is a possibility), so don't write her off.
Good luck, I hope you can find some answers soon.

Without seeming to put all the blame onto her partner as i believe it is a joint situation, i know that the change in my daughter started after she had met him and i feel that some of his behaviour/personality has afected her too. For example, when they met, she was 18 (he 6 years older...irrelevant but factual) and she lived at home with me (i had left a relationship so there was just the 2 of us and it was a wonderful relationship...a new home and new beginning). He left her at one point saying that he doesnt believe that she doesnt go onto the computer to other men (she met him via dating site) and didnt like her using the internet. My daughter was very upset and when she asked me to contact him i did so explaining that my daughter thinks a lot of him and not interested in anyone else. Also that the computer was in my bedroom (we didnt have wifi then) and i would know if she was contacting anyone else. Anyway, they did get back together and before i knew it, she had left our home whilst i was at work and gone to live with him at his parents home! I couldnt understand this as he was made more than welcome at my home and there was just 2 of us at our home where his home was cramped and over crowded. Looking back, i feel he did this so that he knew she couldnt be doing anything he didnt like as there would always be a family member around. He has/had insecurity issues of which i was sympathetic to but wary of at the same time for the sake of my daughter. That was in 2005 and there has been other instances since that have made me aware that although they are very close and adore each other (my daughter adores him at least) and he doesnt control her physically, i do strongly believe that he has had a massive impact on her emotionally. P

securityguy

poet123 wrote: »

Was the falling out over something serious?

Indeed. Without that vital fact, this is all rather hard to have an opinion on.

Mojisola

chrissyr60 wrote: »

I have never stopped trying to make contact with my daughter and can't just switch off my feelings for them as she seems to have done for me.

I have never missed a single birthday or christmas card even though i suspect that they are binned, i have text, written, emailed, phoned and all ignored.

I even drove to her home(a good way from where i live) and seen my grandson at the window sill which really upset me as the last time i seen him he was a couple of weeks old. As. I seen my daughter sitting brushing his hair and as soonas she seen me in my car, she pulled the blinds and ignored me at the door. (I was able to see her as She lives on 3rd floor flat and sits right by window).

Not knowing what the cause of the split was, it's hard for us to know why your daughter has cut you out of her life and whether she is being unreasonable or not.

It's going to be very hard but I think you need to back off. The way you're behaving could be seen as stalking - she has said that she doesn't want contact and you are persisting, even to the extent of sitting outside her home. I can understand why you're doing it but it probably isn't helping.

Give her some space - restrict contact to birthday and Christmas cards. Estranged parents sometimes keep a memory box for each child - put in birthday cards, letters, little keepsakes, etc, - which can be given to them when they eventually get in contact. They will then know that you have always loved them and kept them in your thoughts while they were away from you.