Estranged grandmother - devepastated

meritaten

I cannot help thinking that your DD said one thing in front of you and then backtracked when she went home. Is it her or her partner who has cut you out of their lives? It is difficult to say for sure, but the sending of the card yet ignoring you when you turn up in person........could be that the 'partner' was at home and your DD sensibly didn't want a scene or the hassle after you left. I really do have to wonder if she isn't being 'isolated' and abused. even if she did have a fall-out with you , why would she then ignore every other member of the family?
Keep sending the cards, letters etc - just to let her know that you are there if she needs you. BTW - you could try sending cards even if know there is no Birthday or special event around that date.
Sorry I cant be more help, its a difficult situation and all you can do is grit your teeth and hope for contact.
If YOU keep the door open, then in time, either your DD or your grankids may come knocking on it.

SuzieSue

marmitepotato wrote: »

I wouldn't bother with a 'last letter', I would just let her get on with it. She has complete control over you and she knows it. It's time for you to call the shots and get on with your life. Stop grieving, start living, it's time for you and the rest of your family to build on your relationships and make them stronger than ever. Your daughter will be back, when she does, just treat her like she's never been away.

Big hugs OP, I feel for you.

Totally agree with this. Your daughter doesn't deserve you.

chrissyr60

meritaten wrote: »

I cannot help thinking that your DD said one thing in front of you and then backtracked when she went home. Is it her or her partner who has cut you out of their lives? It is difficult to say for sure, but the sending of the card yet ignoring you when you turn up in person........could be that the 'partner' was at home and your DD sensibly didn't want a scene or the hassle after you left. I really do have to wonder if she isn't being 'isolated' and abused. even if she did have a fall-out with you , why would she then ignore every other member of the family?
Keep sending the cards, letters etc - just to let her know that you are there if she needs you. BTW - you could try sending cards even if know there is no Birthday or special event around that date.
Sorry I cant be more help, its a difficult situation and all you can do is grit your teeth and hope for contact.
If YOU keep the door open, then in time, either your DD or your grankids may come knocking on it.

Thank you for your comments. I know there is no physical abuse in their relationship but i could see that my daughter has changed possibly due to her oh's personality/issues. He was not at home when i visited, i know his car and it was not there.

When i say her oh's personality/issues i mean that things that have been said or done since she met him as follows:

They met when she was 18 (he was 24) via an internet dating site; he was perfect for her (in her words) a guitarist with long hair and good looking. He knew she was besotted with him and interested in no one else yet he dumped her after a short while saying that he didnt trust her with other men on the dating site! she was so upset and asked if i could speak to him. I did this and they got back together (this for me proved his insecurites and would need to be monitored). He used to visit her at our home and i used to make him welcome and included him in our meals too, after a while he also stayed at weekends. Before i knew it, i was at work and got a call that she had moved in with him at his family home. I was shocked and very upset to say the least and couldnt understand it as his family home was cramped with his parents and brothers and sisters (at the time he was even sharing a room with his brother!) and at our home there was just the 2 of us. I had suggested that if they were serious, he could move i. With us, it certainly made more sense. He didnt want to do this (he didnt like eating in front of people either apparantly). I felt that he had my daughter move in with his family so that someone would always be there with her and she wouldnt be able to use the dating site (which she wouldnt have done anyway)...this meant that my daugher lived away from her family too (prior to this she was getting on well with her brother and sister). Also since they have had their own home, my daughter told me that they will not be having the internet at home. He said that they couldnt afford it but (maybe i'm cynical) i believe again that he didnt trust my daughter.

My daughter had also told me that he didnt want me to meet his mother as we are both very different and wouldnt get on! She said that she is very frumpy and i am the opposite. Surely this is another part of controlling?

Her oh used to be in a tribute band (was extremely good lead guitarist) and used to go twice a week of an evening. At these times my daughter wanted us to go and visit which we did....worked all day, had no time for tea and went to visit grabbing something to eat later. This was great as we got to see my daughter and children(when he was home the atmosphere wasnt always good, in fact he used to disappear i to the bedroom after a short while). I believe that the changes started to happen with my daughter when he dropped out of the band. We were no longer required to visit and when we did visit, my daughter was very different with him being there. She was happily snuggled up to him but was very quiet with us compared to when he wasnt there. Eventually the evening visits stopped altogether and my daughter either came to us occasionally or i went to hers when he was working (i took annual leave days), we would go shopping or park etc.

It is from this time that my daughter started to change so i can only see that since he is at home more often that he has somehow psychologically changed her with his ways. Not the best way to describe things but as i said earlier, he is not physically bullying her and she is/was very happy with him and cannot see the changes in herself but others can and i do believe this is a big factor in how things are. There are obviously other things that have happened but cant possibly think of them all.

Just to say, i have always been friendly with him when visiting (since my daughter left home, he has never stepped foot in our home; my daughter said he finds it difficult making conversation and being in someones home...i find this strange. We even went to a gig of his as my daughter said it would make it easier for him and he may feel better when visiting. But it never happened!

I think that he doesnt like visitors or visiting (yet they were always at his parents) and she wants to keep him happy in that if she falls out with her family, he hasnt got to worry about us visiting. Nothing else makes sense.

Mojisola

chrissyr60 wrote: »

I know there is no physical abuse in their relationship but i could see that my daughter has changed possibly due to her oh's personality/issues.

Domestic abuse doesn't have to be physical. What you've put in the last post really suggests that he is controlling her. She may want to make up with you but isn't being allowed to.

meritaten

mojisola is right.
what you have said chrissy sounds even more to me that he is isolating her from her family. doesn't mean physical abuse at all but mental abuse. because of his own insecurities (jealousy sounds likely), he is keeping her away from people who remind her of who she is. he is keeping her totally emotionally dependant on him. unfortunately, only your DD can get herself out of this situation. you cant do it for her. just be THERE if she needs you. easier said than done I know - but the fact is that grandparents do not have rights over parents. I really feel for you - it would half kill me too if I lost any of my grandkids like this. all you can do is keep sending the message that you love them and hope that one day they will contact you again.

chrissyr60

meritaten wrote: »

mojisola is right.
what you have said chrissy sounds even more to me that he is isolating her from her family. doesn't mean physical abuse at all but mental abuse. because of his own insecurities (jealousy sounds likely), he is keeping her away from people who remind her of who she is. he is keeping her totally emotionally dependant on him. unfortunately, only your DD can get herself out of this situation. you cant do it for her. just be THERE if she needs you. easier said than done I know - but the fact is that grandparents do not have rights over parents. I really feel for you - it would half kill me too if I lost any of my grandkids like this. all you can do is keep sending the message that you love them and hope that one day they will contact you again.

I can see what you say regarding mental abuse and in a way it could be but in a roundabout way in that, i feel his jealousy/insecurities have rubbed off on her in respect that she knows that he struggles socially (certainly not shy in his band but she always said that whilst on stage it is an alter ego) and by removing her family, she has removed his 'worry' about us visiting and actually having to 'communicate'. Whereas, she should have worked a way around this for her family i stead of cutting us out of her and the childrens lives. Its very unfair though as his parents live 5 minutes away and see them regularly (well, up unto the time she cut me out, not sure of the situation now). I often wonderif he has finally married her as he wouldnthave had to invite us.

Its really strange how it suddenly changed because they came to up our wedding in 2008 and my granddaughter was our 'mini bridesmaid' (she was only 2) and i came across a letter from my daughter only a few days ago which brought me to tears; in the letter she said how proud she was of me on my wedding day and what a great, beautiful mother i am...ironically she also mentioned about me deserving to be happy and not allow anyone to say otherwise etc. she sent the letter as a surprise as she knew how happy the surprise in the post would make me. I really struggle as to how someone could change so much.

So, in the end i guess he started all the changes with his social problems and in itself has made my daughters personality change along with him. It seems that she has to be in control of situations and at one point was even considering taking her daughter out odf school and teaching at home, just because the school changed to an academy. Little things in her made it feel that she was putting her family into a cocoon; i just wish i could make her see sense of the whole situation.

one of the most hurtful things i remember her saying when i was upset about not seeing the children was...'RF (her daughter) would soon forget me and Z (her son) was too young to remember me!