Estranged grandmother - devepastated

chrissyr60

(A long story, sorry) I am devastated as my relationship with my youngest daughter broke down over 2 years ago and subsequently, they have stopped me from seeing my 2 grandchildren. I had a very close relationship with my grandaughter who was then 4 1/2 years old (now almost 7) and they had a new son at the time that i havent seen since a few years old...he will be 3 in november.

My daughter and i were very close prior to this and during the fall out (which i never dreamed she would allow to continue) my daughter said she would never stop me seeing my grandchildren...i received a text later that evening saying, it's not just up to her and they don't think it is a good idea that i see the children!

It is not just me that my daughter has cut out of her life, it is also her brother and sister and nephews and neices of whom she was previously very involved with.

I have looked up on the internet and can only see that grandparents have no rights...i can't bear the thought of never being in their lives again and it is killing me inside.

The cause of the fallout was far from serious but my daughter escalated the whole thing and if felt that she was looking for reasons to make us fall apart in the same way she did with her siblings.

I am still in shock that she let things go this far and especially as it was only months after i unexpectedly lost my mother to a massive heart attack and i was at the time on strong antidepressants to cope with the grieving. My other daughter around this time had also had cancer (thankfully successfully treated).

I have never stopped trying to make contact with my daughter and can't just switch off my feelings for them as she seems to have done for me. I have never missed a single birthday or christmas card even though i suspect that they are binned, i have text, written, emailed, phoned and all ignored. I even drove to her home(a good way from where i live) and seen my grandson at the window sill which really upset me as the last time i seen him he was a couple of weeks old. As. I seen my daughter sitting brushing his hair and as soonas she seen me in my car, she pulled the blinds and ignored me at the door. (I was able to see her as She lives on 3rd floor flat and sits right by window). I was unwell at the time and was incredibly upset that she could see me and still be this way. I have for the last few years been unwell and have since been dismissed from my job due to health capabilities as this and all the events of the last few years have been very difficult.

I know that if i were to reconcile some kind of relationship with them, i would feel so much better in myself because as a silly as it may sound, i lost a part of my heart when i lost my mum and also a part is missing from my much missed love and relationship.

What i don't understand is the last but one christmas ago, i received an unexpected card in the post which i recognised as my daughters handwriting. On opening the card, it was my granddaughters writing andmy daughter had written a message from my grandson...no message from my daughter. I broke down in tears when i seen the writing and was so happy that i had received the card. Initially, i thought it was my daughters way of trying to make amends or start some kind of contact but as there has been nothing since and all contact ignored, it has been suggested that the card was sent out of spite as my daughter knew how it would affect me. Not one night goes by where i'm not tormented by this situation as i can't see a solution and know there is no help out there.

I know my daughter has her own mind but i have seen such a change in her since her relationship with her partner and she has become so hardened. How can such a close relationship become so bad practically overnight?

I would be grateful of any advice or similar experiences please. Thank you.

princeofpounds

I think you are going to have to put a bit more background into why the dispute arose. You might not think it is important but your daughter clearly does. It's very hard to suggest to people the best way to fix things if we don't really know what is broken.

pukkamum

Oh my love what a horrible situation for you all, I have recently fallen out with my sister and cannot see a reconciliation coming any time soon.
All I can suggest is keep up the contact, have you tried writing her a letter, I know you suspect these may be binned but it's definitely worth a try.
Do you have a reason, she feels, to apologise?
Perhaps this is what she is waiting for.
Does she have any contact with other members of the family who could put forward your case.
If there can be no reconciliation then all you can hope is that eventually your grandchildren seek you out themselves.

pollypenny

Oh, Chrissie, I really feel for you.

Why not write her letter, in the same way as you have posted, apologising for anything you have done wrong, but showings her your pain.

barbiedoll

Do you think that her partner is putting pressure on her to cut ties from her family? It's odd that she mentions that "they" think it's not a good idea for you to see the children and that it's "not just up to her". Of course, you may have upset her partner too or perhaps he is just backing her up, it depends on what caused the falling-out.

Is she estranged from her siblings due to the same falling-out or is it for different reasons? What seems a trivial matter to you may be very important to her but you can't exclude the possibility that her partner is trying to isolate her from her family and friends, in which case, there's not much you can do but keep the lines of communication open. If you suspect anything like this, could you not try to meet her somewhere outside her home? (like in her local supermarket, outside the school/nursery, etc) Enlist the help of your other children if possible, do any of them live nearer to her?

I don't know what else to suggest, it sounds horrible for you and I do sympathise, as you say, grandparents have little or no rights over their grandchildren. I do agree that you should carry on sending the cards to the children, they are only young now but as they get older, they will notice the cards arriving from someone they don't know. And all children are curious about their family, they will start asking questions one day. Don't lose hope, with a bit of luck and some time to think, hopefully your daughter will reconnect with you at some point. And she may well need you sooner than you think if she is living with an abusive partner (I'm not saying that she is, but it is a possibility), so don't write her off.
Good luck, I hope you can find some answers soon.

CH27

Why did she cut contact with the rest of the family?
Is her OH trying to isolate & manipulate her?

Mojisola

chrissyr60 wrote: »

My daughter and i were very close prior to this and during the fall out (which i never dreamed she would allow to continue) my daughter said she would never stop me seeing my grandchildren...i received a text later that evening saying, it's not just up to her and they don't think it is a good idea that i see the children!

It is not just me that my daughter has cut out of her life, it is also her brother and sister and nephews and neices of whom she was previously very involved with.

I know my daughter has her own mind but i have seen such a change in her since her relationship with her partner and she has become so hardened. How can such a close relationship become so bad practically overnight?

How long have the couple been together? What is their relationship like?

How well did you all get on with her partner before the fall-out?

It's a serious worry that she's cut off contact with all the family when the relationships were previously good.

Tiddlywinks

What was your falling out all about?

What is your relationship like with your other children / grandchildren?

pigpen

I think I'd be concerned about the partner and his behaviour towards my daughter and children.. forcing her to cut ties with her family to me would indicate he was abusing them in some way, but I'm sure every scenario has crossed your mind.

I loathe my daughters partner but I am civil to him because I don't have to like their partners, I just have to accept my children have their own lives. (and hope they see their horrid partners for the cretins they are! )

I'd keep sending the emails and cards and trying to make contact and reassuring her you are there if ever she needs you. I guess it does depend what the falling out was over in the first place though.. it is all about context.. while your post makes you sound lily white I'm sure your daughter would paint a different picture.

gibson123

i think i would be writing a note to say that no matter what she is always welcome in my life and home, she is still my daughter and I love her unconditionally. I worry when people break all ties and I suspect she is going to need some-one to turn to at some point.

princeofpounds

Everyone here is very quick to blame the partner, but to be frank if the daughter really was upset she might just use that as an excuse as well. (Though I admit the hints aren't promising).