A bit embarrassing but need some advice

chirpychick

I wouldn't normally post such a sensitive question but I am at a complete loss.

My husband and I have been together 9 years, married for 7.
We have a 6 month old baby.
We are in an IVA.
I am 28 he is 47.

Basically for the past 4/5 years our sex life has been pretty non existent, we were trying for a baby and got told that my husband was infertile. I suffered with 10 miscarriages but eventually after 6 years we had our son. We are both over the moon and loving every minute of it.

But I feel like I have to practically beg for sex!
I mean he says "im tired" all the time!
I have told him it makes me feel disgusting, like he doesnt fancy me any more and rejected and he insists its not me that it is him.

We had a big talk about it tonight and he said that its not physical but he just doesn't feel like it very often, that he is tired.

We are both overweight and are currently doing what we can to lose weight because eventually (before he is 50) we would like to add one more child to our family but you know, thats not going to happen without doing the deed so to speak!

Also being healthy and fit for our child/ren is very important to us.

I don't know whether diet or work or going to bed earlier or what would be the right way to make him feel less tired and more interested?

He does work full time in quite a demanding job (he has been with the company 25 years!) he works 7.30-4.30 and of an evening he will sometimes make dinner, we recently sold a lot of stuff on ebay and brought a dishwasher to make life a little easier so he loads and unloads that, he also makes up the baby bottles and baths him maybe once a week, changes the nappy before we go to bed. However, he sleeps in a different bedroom to me (due to his snoring and so that he can sleep undisturbed by the baby) so he never ever gets up in the night, this is all down to me - which has been incredibly hard because my little boy isn't a very good sleeper at all.

It's so bad though that on Sunday we went to his mums and HE went and had a nap in the afternoon even though I was the one that had only had 3 hours sleep.

He sleeps so soundly that i can hold the screaming baby next to him and he wont wake up! :rotfl: so I know for sure its not this. And obviously the lack of sex started before our son even came along.

Perhaps he should be going to the GP?
I just really don't know what to do, our marriage is in every other aspect perfect because we get on so well. The age gap has never been an issue.

I am finding more and more that I feel so upset by his rejection that i have no confidence and i close up with him not wanting a hug or a kiss goodnight.

When we do actually have sex he has even fallen asleep during foreplay and he isn't very "generous" and it's like a chore which makes it even worse!

I feel so bad for sharing our sex life but it's really affecting us and I need some advice please.

I'm 28 I can't go the next 30/40 years without sex!

Tropez

He's overweight, over 40 and snores... I'd be getting him to see a GP.

It could be that he has sleep apnea which would cause a constant feeling of fatigue and a desire to sleep, particularly for prolonged periods of time. Sleep apnea can also cause erectile dysfunction and/or mess with the libido hence no desire for sex.

I actually know someone who had sleep apnea who could easily "sleep" for 12 hours at a time and it would appear he was fast asleep but he went to the doctor one day due to his wife's complaints, got referred to a sleep clinic and they discovered he was actually "waking up" constantly although not noticeably, hence he never achieved true deep sleep even though he was difficult to rouse from sleep.

Toothfairy4

Before you said it i was thinking maybe he should see his GP? From what you say it sounds like he sleeps a lot more than is normal for someone of his age. I really feel or you, i can see why him rejecting your advances would make you feel miserable! Is your relationship otherwise good if you take sex out of the equation?

chirpychick

Toothfairy4 wrote: »

Before you said it i was thinking maybe he should see his GP? From what you say it sounds like he sleeps a lot more than is normal for someone of his age. I really feel or you, i can see why him rejecting your advances would make you feel miserable! Is your relationship otherwise good if you take sex out of the equation?

Yes it really is, we get on so well, we have a lot of fun, enjoy the same activities, we are both so happy since the arrival of our son too. It really is only the sex thing that causes friction.

C_Mababejive

bought..........

fannyadams

seconding that HE needs to go to see the doc about his excessive sleeping
Thyroid?
Sleep Apnoea?
Depression?

also PLEASE talk to your HV as she can give you some idea about sleeping.
I know it sounds really silly but with hindsight I wish I'd done this - go to sleep when the baby goes to sleep EVERYTHING ELSE CAN GO HANG.
No you don't need to do the laundry/the cleaning/ the vacuuming/the housework when your little one has gone down for his nap.

And I have PM'd you
good luck!
FA
xxxxx

Bella73

Hi
Just wondering was he at the birth of your child? Apparently it can seriously put men off. Plus he might be scared of you getting pregnant and miscarrying again. You say you want anther child but does he? Yes he might say he does but does he?

Don't feel you need to answer on an open forum but its a few things to think about.

Plus things do get harder as you get older. Seriously would you consider having a other baby when you are 47? I'm 40 and yes I know lots of people have babies at my age but I feel a bit too old and to be honest not sure how I would cope without the sleep. I appreciate you say you are getting up but maybe your little one is disturbing his sleep too?

pukkamum

Bella73 wrote: »

Hi
Just wondering was he at the birth of your child? Apparently it can seriously put men off. Plus he might be scared of you getting pregnant and miscarrying again. You say you want anther child but does he? Yes he might say he does but does he?

Don't feel you need to answer on an open forum but its a few things to think about.

Plus things do get harder as you get older. Seriously would you consider having a other baby when you are 47? I'm 40 and yes I know lots of people have babies at my age but I feel a bit too old and to be honest not sure how I would cope without the sleep. I appreciate you say you are getting up but maybe your little one is disturbing his sleep too?

She is 28 and he is 47, also I have known many many men who have been at births and have never known one to be put off sex, I think it is a myth perpetuated by men.
Please have him see his gp he may well have sleep apnea my sil was recently diagnosed and had the same symptoms she suffered for years but only went when she was falling asleep mid sentence.
After a sleep trial it turned out that she was getting less then an hours real sleep a night.

Counting_Pennies_2

Also get checked for diabetes. Another reason for impotence

mumps

pukkamum wrote: »

She is 28 and he is 47, also I have known many many men who have been at births and have never known one to be put off sex, I think it is a myth perpetuated by men.
Please have him see his gp he may well have sleep apnea my sil was recently diagnosed and had the same symptoms she suffered for years but only went when she was falling asleep mid sentence.
After a sleep trial it turned out that she was getting less then an hours real sleep a night.

I worked with a guy who couldn't bear to have sex with his wife after witnessing her giving birth to their son. Their marriage broke up eventually. It does happen but I think it is rare but that is just a feeling, I don't know if there are any statistics but some people might be a bit embarassed to talk about it.

Bella73

pukkamum wrote: »

She is 28 and he is 47, also I have known many many men who have been at births and have never known one to be put off sex, I think it is a myth perpetuated by men.
Please have him see his gp he may well have sleep apnea my sil was recently diagnosed and had the same symptoms she suffered for years but only went when she was falling asleep mid sentence.
After a sleep trial it turned out that she was getting less then an hours real sleep a night.

I actually do know a couple of men who were put off by seeing the whole birthing experience, they did get over it but 6 months isn't that long. One of them felt totally inadequate after seeing what his wife went through.

Plus if he didn't actually want another child yet he might be worried about another pregnancy so soon after the birth.

And yes I know she is 28 but was trying to see it from his point of view as young baby at 47 is very tiring according to a friend of ours who is around the same age with a much younger wife. Just because she is coping admirably with the sleepless nights doesn't mean he is and even if in another room doesnt mean he's totally deaf and cant be woken. I meant he might not be coping but might not want to say for any number of reasons.