Feeling like a bit of a selfish git...

Tropez

lostinrates wrote: »

Dh weekly commutes, Its hard at times, on both of us, but very rewarding in other ways. It's easier than when he was overseas and I wasn't and in someways easier than when we were living together but I was in worse health and more dependant.

I absolutely know it feels 'rough' and that's not a selfish reaction to admit that IMO, selfish would be to deny her the opportunity if she is set on it.

Talk, tell her how you feel and that you love her. It takes a strong couple to survive a whole year apart.

I think that year apart wasn't too bad because I was looking after her business for her as well as doing my own job - not managing it but keeping a check on the person who was and dealing with a few related things. Doing all that, and keeping to her timetable for Skype calls and such it actually didn't leave me too much time to "miss" her - I did miss her, of course, but I hope you understand what I mean.

I'm sure we'll get chance to talk about it though. I'm half expecting her to come home excitedly with some mathematical equations I have no hope of understanding which will be how the conversation starts.

Errata

Tropez wrote: »

But I can't really stand in the way of his ambitions or his dreams; I admire him for them but the more selfish part of me hopes that something stops him from acquiring this second business which really isn't a nice way to think.

Try looking at it from that perspective.

Tropez

Errata wrote: »

Try looking at it from that perspective.

Oh don't worry, I do know that it isn't a particularly nice quality to think that way and for clarification, I'm not particularly fond of myself for that thought crossing my mind.

If she goes ahead with it then I'll find some way to make it continue to work because she deserves her happiness and I know that success makes her happy

And... she is cute when she's excited with her plans.

KME91

I don't think it matters which perspective you look at it from. Driven individuals will always be that way, in my case my OH is very similar, works long hours, comes home and works late into the evening too. he loves his job, he's incredibly happy, and I wouldn't want to take that from him, or make him choose. We do work hard together to make sure we get some us time though, even if it's just a sunday morning lie in and lazy breakfast occasionally, we make sure there's time to be together.

I think you're being very honest, and I admire that, it's not always easy to be in your situation. But you and your girlfriend seem like smart people, make some time, sit down and talk it through. She may well be feeling similar things and want some reassurance from you that if she goes into this project you'll be ready to work with her to keep your relationship healthy and happy. Good luck, I hope it works out for you both!

MrBiggerthan

Do you two have any ambitions to have kids or already have kids?

Lots couples out there, who focus on "making it" and wake up too late, there is more to life than money and material success.

If you answer this question, it will make it easier for me to answer your question.

As are you chasing material success, and neglecting your own happiness? What makes people happy is having other people that they love and doing things for these people, and not gaining more and more material things.

Just my two pence.

Tropez

KME91 wrote: »

I don't think it matters which perspective you look at it from. Driven individuals will always be that way, in my case my OH is very similar, works long hours, comes home and works late into the evening too. he loves his job, he's incredibly happy, and I wouldn't want to take that from him, or make him choose. We do work hard together to make sure we get some us time though, even if it's just a sunday morning lie in and lazy breakfast occasionally, we make sure there's time to be together.

I think you're being very honest, and I admire that, it's not always easy to be in your situation. But you and your girlfriend seem like smart people, make some time, sit down and talk it through. She may well be feeling similar things and want some reassurance from you that if she goes into this project you'll be ready to work with her to keep your relationship healthy and happy. Good luck, I hope it works out for you both!

Thank you

Yes, I will think of a way to get things to work. I am mildly concerned about the potential of my employer's offices being relocated (well merged), although I've been doing a good job of showing the decision makers that it wouldn't be such a good idea.

Given that I am permitted to do my work from home, if it gets really difficult I can rent a unit near to where she works... or hell, maybe that coffee shop has an office unit attached I could "borrow"

MrBiggerthan wrote: »

Do you two have any ambitions to have kids or already have kids?

Lots couples out there, who focus on "making it" and wake up too late, there is more to life than money and material success.

If you answer this question, it will make it easier for me to answer your question.

As are you chasing material success, and neglecting your own happiness? What makes people happy is having other people that they love and doing things for these people, and not gaining more and more material things.

Just my two pence.

We have no plans for children. I think I'd be a crap father and she just isn't interested due to things that wouldn't be appropriate for me to discuss here.

She isn't driven so much by material gain and money as much as she is driven by the feeling of being rewarded. It isn't directly the financial gain that she sees as the reward but the measure of success that it brings her. She is delighted with herself when she is able to hire new staff, or expand her operation a bit because it is progress and growth for her.

On my part, work is a means to an end. I'm one of those people who doesn't enjoy work but I do it because it affords me opportunities to do things that I do like and do enjoy; including simple things like treating her to something special.

Person_one

Tropez wrote: »

It's a nice thought but you can bet I'd be the first person to break that rule.

Case in point, at 23:08 last night I had a message come through that I had to deal with due to some clowns in one of our foreign offices managing to lose multiple pieces of important data. This took me around two hours to resolve for them.

And sadly, they've not given me the power to fire said clowns.

I often end up doing work quite late, not usually quite as urgent as that admittedly, and so far it's worked out okay in that my partner has usually had a few things to attend to herself.



It is a bit selfish, I think. I know why she is the way she is and I know why she wants to be successful; and I do really admire her for that. She's much more driven than me.

Hmm, tricky.

I'm afraid it sounds a bit like you're ok with you being busy and working late, but you'd quite like her to be there on 'standby' so that when you aren't you can spend time together. It is a bit selfish, and its to your credit that you recognise and acknowledge that.

I think the 'one night a week' suggestion is an excellent one. Nobody who isn't their own boss is on call 7 days a week, if you didn't answer your phone the world wouldn't end, so it must be possible if you both decide to try.

In lots of ways you sound well suited, both ambitious, both like to be busy, both hard working, neither want children (that's rare and lucky!) You just need to come up with a mutually beneficial plan to ensure you don't forget about each other!

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

. Nobody who isn't their own boss is on call 7 days a week, !

Sadly, not universally true.

Though agree a fixed time out together time (if possible) is very, very healthy.

Tropez

Person_one wrote: »

Hmm, tricky.

I'm afraid it sounds a bit like you're ok with you being busy and working late, but you'd quite like her to be there on 'standby' so that when you aren't you can spend time together. It is a bit selfish, and its to your credit that you recognise and acknowledge that.

I think the 'one night a week' suggestion is an excellent one. Nobody who isn't their own boss is on call 7 days a week, if you didn't answer your phone the world wouldn't end, so it must be possible if you both decide to try.

In lots of ways you sound well suited, both ambitious, both like to be busy, both hard working, neither want children (that's rare and lucky!) You just need to come up with a mutually beneficial plan to ensure you don't forget about each other!

To be honest, I'm actually not okay with working late and often at ridiculous hours. Although I cannot personally discipline the individuals responsible for last night's clusterfudge I did send off a report to their direct superiors this morning underlining their abject failure to abide by a simple policy that is in effect so what they did doesn't happen. I did refrain from referring to them as "a couple of clowns" though, tempting as it was.

I find myself in a position where although I have a great deal of responsibility and manage others, I'm also one of the lowest on the totem pole in a managerial role and therefore one of the first port of calls for those types of issues and there is a requirement, given the nature of the services we provide, that issues such as that are resolved quickly and there's always the potential that it could be something extremely serious.

On the positive side, my average working hours are calculated every twelve weeks (I log into an online system when working which acts as a timesheet) so as not to breach the law regarding 48 hour maximum average over 17 weeks, so I do tend to get a few extra days off which I tend to spend trying to write a novel in the vain hope it'll be a huge hit and get me out of that hellhole!

I think if we're honest, I hate my job and hate the way it makes me feel and effects me. One of the things that makes it worth it to me is that it affords me an income and certain luxuries that when I do get to spend time with my partner in a meaningful way we can make the most of it and with that in mind, I have to make it work with whatever my partner chooses to do.

marisco_2

Tropez wrote: »

I think if we're honest, I hate my job and hate the way it makes me feel and effects me.

I hope it wont come across as if I am over simplifying things but if your job has such a detrimental effect on you why don't you consider a career change? You come across on here as an intelligent, articulate and capable individual who can think on his feet and hold his own. So what holds you back and keeps you in a working environment you don't enjoy?