Feeling like a bit of a selfish git...

Tropez

So my partner is a pretty driven individual, to put it one way. She enjoys working, is proud she has a profitable business after only a few years and is always looking for ways to improve.

And she may well have found one.

There is a unit adjacent to where her business is located that is currently in use as a coffee shop. She long since noticed that a significant number of her clients would stop in that coffee shop on the way in and the way out and she had mentioned a few times in the past how she would run it differently - her estranged father was a restaurateur so I imagine some of it rubbed off on her.

Anyway, the unit is available for lease... and she wants it. Now she's shown me her plans for it, and I can't fault her. Using rather conservative figures she has shown how she can afford to lease it, manage it, staff it etc. and I don't doubt she can make it work.

But here comes the selfish part... while I'm quite happy with our relationship, I do feel sometimes that we don't make enough time for each other as it is. Quite often, she'll come home, have dinner, a bath, then get her laptop out to do this and that. Similarly, I often end up doing some work quite late due to the way I receive things from my job.

She's also only recently come back from being away for a year.

It's also still not settled whether my employer's offices are to be relocated to London.

I do feel that if she were to be running two separate and distinct businesses then the only time we'll have together is dinner.

But I can't really stand in the way of her ambitions or her dreams; I admire her for them but the more selfish part of me hopes that something stops her from acquiring this second business which really isn't a nice way to think.

warwicktiger

Leave your job and manage/staff the second unit?

I guess you know this already and maybe do not want to face it then if she is such a driven individual she will always behave in the same way, so you have choices:

Live with it, join in or move on. Sorry.

gibson123

Why don't you suggest that one night a week is your time only, one night a week when you are only allowed to devote the time to each other.

marisco_2

I don't think it is a matter of being selfish. More that you are astute enough to realise that if your girlfriend is running two businesses, one of which she will be getting off the ground, this will inevitably impact on how much quality time you two get to spend with each other. It would be more strange to my mind, if this was not taken into consideration when planning whether to proceed with a new business venture, when you are part of a couple.

Tropez

warwicktiger wrote: »

Leave your job and manage/staff the second unit?

I guess you know this already and maybe do not want to face it then if she is such a driven individual she will always behave in the same way, so you have choices:

Live with it, join in or move on. Sorry.

Yeah, I don't think it would be sensible to leave the job I have now. The wages she would be able to pay me wouldn't come close to what I make now even without bonuses.

Plus, I don't know anything about running a coffee shop.

But I am quite aware of the fact there's little I can do about it... this post was merely a vent at my own selfishness, not a plea for guidance.

lostinrates

Dh weekly commutes, Its hard at times, on both of us, but very rewarding in other ways. It's easier than when he was overseas and I wasn't and in someways easier than when we were living together but I was in worse health and more dependant.

I absolutely know it feels 'rough' and that's not a selfish reaction to admit that IMO, selfish would be to deny her the opportunity if she is set on it.

Talk, tell her how you feel and that you love her. It takes a strong couple to survive a whole year apart.

LannieDuck

Tropez wrote: »

So my partner is a pretty driven individual, to put it one way. She enjoys working, is proud she has a profitable business after only a few years and is always looking for ways to improve.

And she may well have found one.

There is a unit adjacent to where her business is located that is currently in use as a coffee shop. She long since noticed that a significant number of her clients would stop in that coffee shop on the way in and the way out and she had mentioned a few times in the past how she would run it differently - her estranged father was a restaurateur so I imagine some of it rubbed off on her.

Anyway, the unit is available for lease... and she wants it. Now she's shown me her plans for it, and I can't fault her. Using rather conservative figures she has shown how she can afford to lease it, manage it, staff it etc. and I don't doubt she can make it work.

But here comes the selfish part... while I'm quite happy with our relationship, I do feel sometimes that we don't make enough time for each other as it is. Quite often, she'll come home, have dinner, a bath, then get her laptop out to do this and that. Similarly, I often end up doing some work quite late due to the way I receive things from my job.

She's also only recently come back from being away for a year.

It's also still not settled whether my employer's offices are to be relocated to London.

I do feel that if she were to be running two separate and distinct businesses then the only time we'll have together is dinner.

But I can't really stand in the way of her ambitions or her dreams; I admire her for them but the more selfish part of me hopes that something stops her from acquiring this second business which really isn't a nice way to think.

If you're the one who's unhappy with you both working so much, I think you should be the one to scale back your ambitions/career. Not expect her to do so.

claire16c

Tropez wrote: »

But here comes the selfish part... while I'm quite happy with our relationship, I do feel sometimes that we don't make enough time for each other as it is. Quite often, she'll come home, have dinner, a bath, then get her laptop out to do this and that. Similarly, I often end up doing some work quite late due to the way I receive things from my job.

She's also only recently come back from being away for a year.

It's also still not settled whether my employer's offices are to be relocated to London.

I do feel that if she were to be running two separate and distinct businesses then the only time we'll have together is dinner.

But I can't really stand in the way of her ambitions or her dreams; I admire her for them but the more selfish part of me hopes that something stops her from acquiring this second business which really isn't a nice way to think.

Have you told her this?

Tropez

gibson123 wrote: »

Why don't you suggest that one night a week is your time only, one night a week when you are only allowed to devote the time to each other.

It's a nice thought but you can bet I'd be the first person to break that rule.

Case in point, at 23:08 last night I had a message come through that I had to deal with due to some clowns in one of our foreign offices managing to lose multiple pieces of important data. This took me around two hours to resolve for them.

And sadly, they've not given me the power to fire said clowns.

I often end up doing work quite late, not usually quite as urgent as that admittedly, and so far it's worked out okay in that my partner has usually had a few things to attend to herself.

marisco wrote: »

I don't think it is a matter of being selfish. More that you are astute enough to realise that if your girlfriend is running two businesses, one of which she will be getting off the ground, this will inevitably impact on how much quality time you two get to spend with each other. It would be more strange to my mind, if this was not taken into consideration when planning whether to proceed with a new business venture, when you are part of a couple.

It is a bit selfish, I think. I know why she is the way she is and I know why she wants to be successful; and I do really admire her for that. She's much more driven than me.

marisco_2

LannieDuck wrote: »

If you're the one who's unhappy with you both working so much, I think you should be the one to scale back your ambitions/career. Not expect her to do so.

I disagree with this way of thinking. In strong relationships couples aim to reach a healthy career/personal life balance that works for both of them. I don't think it should come down to one person scaling back their ambitions/career in favour of the other. More that they sit down, talk openly and honestly about their plans for the future and both compromise if necessary. That shows they love and respect one another and wish to take each others needs and feelings into account before embarking on big lifestyle changes.

Tropez

LannieDuck wrote: »

If you're the one who's unhappy with you both working so much, I think you should be the one to scale back your ambitions/career. Not expect her to do so.

I'm not quite sure where I said that I expected her to scale back her ambitions. I believe I indicated that I would not attempt to stand in her way. I believe I also said I admire her determination.

As for my job, I'd quit in a heartbeat if I actually could. It drives me quite loopy.