Bit of advice please !!

Confused2013

Well its rather a long story however its stressing me out so other peoples opinions would be much appreciated !!

My partners mother was getting custody of a child from within the family. I truly thought this was a bad idea due to seeing her constantly shout, smack and generally be stressed out to the max with the other kids not to mention her age.
So when social services asked my opinion I was honest, as I felt this little girl would have been better placed elsewhere.
Now I was assured this was confidential! needless to say it came out however it didn't come out it was me who had said this. Other members of the family had all said the same but didn't say to social services, I wasn't the only one thinking it. But I was the only one who said it ! as a childs life was involved I felt I had to.

Now finger pointing happened and it came my way to which I denied it ! reason being my partner of 13 years and my childrens dad would have left me straight away for having said anything about his mother.
Other people also got the blame as well basically all 3 of my sister in laws my partner has 3 brothers and so all the partners got blamed. To which everyone denied obviously.

In the end one of my sister in laws got the blame and she fell out with my mother in law ! to be fair she never got on with her from day one.
So her partner took her side and stays away from his mother now. My partner wont speak to him now as he says how dare he not speak to his mum.

So you see where I am at ! I am gutted at this situation, as at no point did I try and cause trouble like this but have managed to. What do I do ? do I end my 13 year relationship and take my childrens father away from them as that's what would happen. Or do I say nothing, and please don't be too hard on me I couldn't feel any worse than I do believe me !

onetomany

i think you did the right thing im sorry but i would say something why should you not be able to say how you feel incase ur hubby gets the hump

Confused2013

onetomany wrote: »

i think you did the right thing im sorry but i would say something why should you not be able to say how you feel incase ur hubby gets the hump

I know but he worships his mum and if a cross word was said against her he would go insane.

I know he would leave me if I said it was me and I can take that as punishment, but its my kids im worried for. But at the same sense I have caused a mother and her son to not speak !!!
Ahhh I wish I could turn back time :mad:

kingfisherblue

Better a mother and an adult son not to speak than the child to be placed in a home where they would suffer. The adults have a chance to say what they think, and to decide to move on. A child doesn't.

balletshoes

wait - you've let your SIL take the blame for what you said?

Very tricky situation indeed. You absolutely did the right thing when asked for your opinion regarding the child's safety and wellbeing. However, I do think its naive to imagine that there wouldn't be ructions within the family when this came to light.

Will your conscience let you carry on keeping this to yourself? I'm asking a straight question of you OP - only you know the answer to that.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to figure out if this would be worse owning up to now, or years down the line. Do you think you can go forever with no-one finding out it was you?

Mojisola

Confused2013 wrote: »

Now finger pointing happened and it came my way to which I denied it ! reason being my partner of 13 years and my childrens dad would have left me straight away for having said anything about his mother.

In the end one of my sister in laws got the blame and she fell out with my mother in law ! to be fair she never got on with her from day one.

So her partner took her side and stays away from his mother now. My partner wont speak to him now as he says how dare he not speak to his mum.

How upset are the couple who have cut ties with your MIL? Was it something that would probably happen at some point over some issue?

Can you put this behind you and not feel guilty for years that the other DIL got the blame?

It's rather worrying that your OH would walk away from you and his children over such an issue - his mother's dealings with children don't sound good.

paulineb_2

Id be asking social services why they decided to let people know what had been said, really bad practice on their part.

Also, theres no way anyone in the family can prove who said it. Why has one person got the blame when other people have had the finger pointed at them.

Sounds a bit dysfunctional all round really and to be honest, I wonder why someone would worship their mother when its well known shes stressed and takes it out on the kids.

You may feel you did the right thing by being honest, but its not you who caused all of this, its the people who actually disclosed this when they shouldnt have, although possibly she was entitled to know why the application had been refused.

And what about the other kids who get a smacking, who looks after their well being?

Confused2013

Thanyou to all of your replies I don't feel likesuch an evil person now! basically my brother in law and his partner had a strained relationship and probably would have cut ties for another reason at some point. She ended up with the blame as they really don't get on at all.

And yes it was sneaky of social services doing this when they assured it was confidential. So I truly had no idea it would come out and cause trouble. In the end social services refused to place the little girl with them but a judge overruled and allowed her to be placed with them.

And yes it is petty that my husband would leave but like I say he worships his mother! like I say I at no point thought it would have caused this and I feel so guilty ! but deep down im so scared to say anything. I thought if I left it maybe things would just be forgot about. But my mother in law speaks about it every time we see her

I just feel why did I say anything as she got her in the end, but honestly if you would have seen what I did I would not have given her a child and social services agreed ! and again thanks for your input everyone !

Confused2013

Oh about her smacking the other kids social services believe it or not know about this!
They came and done a spot check due to a neighbour saying she seen them getting smacked !
However kids where at school, when she picked them up she told them that these people where coming to speak to them and if they told them about being smacked, they would be taken away.
So kids kept quiet as they were terrified. Out of all her kids its only my husband that really gets on with her the rest have quite a strained relationship with her !

Im not saying she is evil just really struggles to cope !

lazer

How do you know your sister in law didn't say the same as you to social services so she is not really getting blamed for something you said.

Jsut out of interested - has the little girl been placed in a suitable home now?

Mojisola

Confused2013 wrote: »

Thanyou to all of your replies I don't feel likesuch an evil person now! basically my brother in law and his partner had a strained relationship and probably would have cut ties for another reason at some point. She ended up with the blame as they really don't get on at all.

I think this would sway me into keeping quiet in your position but then I wouldn't have lasted this long with a man who would put his Mum above me and his children.