Am I overreacting or am I justified?

CATS

Hi All,

Ok so I need different points of view. My OH who is usually really good has managed to really p$$$ me off today. So he has been going through some issues at work and I have been trying to talk to him about it, trying to help him sort it out, just trying to support him. He has been saying that he is fine and that I should just let him deal with it, it will be ok etc. Anyway he has been talking to one of his work colleagues and in a text message he says that he is stressed. Now this really annoyed me as I have been trying to support him and he acts like it isn't bothering him. I have always said to him that we are married and that means we are there for each other through it all. I am really angry that he couldn't talk to me about it. Anyway I was so angry I left for a drive 2 hours ago. Am I overreacting?

caeler

Sometimes it is too hard to talk to family and loved ones. I know I've been there. You feel like a failure but talking to a colleague you feel they understand because they see it and it is less emotional. Try not to be too upset you don't have to share everything, your support will be appreciated it just sounds like he doesn't want to spill his guts to you and don't make him or it will back fire.

Tropez

Yes, I think you are.

It isn't uncommon for people to dislike bringing work-related issues home with them, particularly those that are causing them stress. Some people, rightly or wrongly, do not desire their partner to see them as weakened or vulnerable as it can feel emasculating.

It also isn't uncommon simply to desire that the home life be kept apart from the work life - if one is stressed at work on a daily basis, the home could be viewed as the sanctuary away from that stress. By encouraging discussion about these stresses, you could inadvertently and unintentionally remove any soothing effect that the home gives.

After a difficult day at work, many people see the home as something almost mystical in its power to deal with the stress but they cannot do that if when they are home they are forced to relive what they are trying to escape from.

While it is a positive thing that you want to help your OH you should not be annoyed at him that he doesn't wish to discuss it with you. He could quite easily be trying to enjoy his time with you as much as he can; without realising it coming home to you and forgetting about work could be the cathartic experience he desires.

meritaten

I think maybe you are. he may see your 'support' as trying to tell him what to do. My own OH has had issues at work - I see my job here in 'de-stressing' him and getting him to forget work when he comes home. of course if he wants to talk then make the right noises and give lots of sympathy. but, only he knows the situation at work and the right way to deal with it.

If it is pee-ing YOU off, Why? is he not taking you up on your 'suggestions'? does he perhaps feel you are adding to the pressure?
I sympathise - you feel you want to help him fight this battle - and that in itself may 'unman' him. you know him best, would he prefer the 'little woman' approach or just practical advice and then get him to forget work and concentrate on relaxing?

paulineb_2

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

Ok so I need different points of view. My OH who is usually really good has managed to really p$$$ me off today. So he has been going through some issues at work and I have been trying to talk to him about it, trying to help him sort it out, just trying to support him. He has been saying that he is fine and that I should just let him deal with it, it will be ok etc. Anyway he has been talking to one of his work colleagues and in a text message he says that he is stressed. Now this really annoyed me as I have been trying to support him and he acts like it isn't bothering him. I have always said to him that we are married and that means we are there for each other through it all. I am really angry that he couldn't talk to me about it. Anyway I was so angry I left for a drive 2 hours ago. Am I overreacting?

Ive suffered from work related stress in several jobs. All I can say is it had a massive effect on my health. People who were close to me were probably very worried about me for a time. I ended up quite unwell even though most of the time I was working, I was still stressed, I was being bullied. It was just a horrible time.

And what made it easier for me was, my mum has also been though it in her line of work. She knows what its like.

All I can say is, when my mum was going through some really tough stuff, I didnt understand, I couldnt, I hadnt been there myself.

When I did myself, I totally got what a debilitating effect it can have on someones life

The problem is, people close to you cant fix things. They might want to try but unless someone has a very supportive employer (and sometimes its the employer who causes the stress), the person concerned has to continue to struggle on.

Some people also blame themselves if things are awful at work.

Its fabulous that you care and you are trying to be supportive, but getting upset and angry wont help you and it wont help him.

Hes probably dealing with a lot just now and he may not want to worry you with it, I can understand that.

ValHaller

CATS wrote: »

Ok so I need different points of view.

The less angry you are, the more he is likely to open up to you.

You are getting angry at the results of your anger.

Are those different enough?

More seriously, if his issue of the moment is causing stress and he catches the angry vibes coming off you, he will jump to the conclusion that sharing with you will not reduce his stress, so better to keep you out of the loop.

You gotta be clever to break through that.

thehappybutterfly

I wouldn't take it personally CATS. Work related stress is very difficult to share with loved ones because they just don't understand. But you can still be supportive by giving hugs, making cups of tea and maybe lightening the load at home etc. I get VERY stressed about work and don't share my worries with my hubby. If I'm losing sleep over it, I'll just tell him I'm stressed about work and he just asks if he can help with anything. The answer is invariably 'no' - just being there is support enough.

Please don't storm out on him again as you're all you're likely to do is dump a load of guilt on him which will make things worse - stress at work AND home.

balletshoes

CATS you are helping already by telling your OH that you're there and you support him.

Theres no point getting angry because he chose to tell a work colleague, who, no offence, will know more about the environment, will know more about the source of the stress and possibly more about solutions to it.

It makes more sense, to me, that he would spill to his colleague about work stress, compared to you at home, as you can't fix it, but his colleague might be able to help.

Goldiegirl

The work colleague is the one that really understands, because they actually work there and know exactly what your OH Is going through.

When I had stressful times at work, I appreciated my husbands support, but when I really wanted to talk it through, I always felt better when I talked to a colleague, because they had that inside knowledge.

Don't push him too hard, let him do it his own way, and be there if required.

Pixiechic

Yes, I think you are too

I can understand that maybe you feel that he has rejected your support in favour of a colleague, but I doubt he has.

Like another poster said, his colleague is probably more aware of the situation at work and maybe he doesn't want to bring his work home with him. Maybe he sees you and home as a peaceful escape from work.

Just keep being there and being supportive and try not to get upset with him

marisco_2

CATS wrote: »

I am really angry that he couldn't talk to me about it.

I don't think it is a matter of him not feeling able to talk to you about whatever is causing him stress and concern. It comes across that you are use to being in a relationship that has a lot of open communication, so this has taken you aback.

Your husband has simply chosen not to bring his worries over his job home and is opening up about how he feels to a colleague. Many people don't like to bring work issues home with them and separate the two environments. That is not a slight on you or any indication that he doesn't feel able to turn to you when he needs to. The colleague may well be best placed to give a whole new perspective to the situation and help your husband to see things clearer, faster. That is a good thing surely and not something to feel annoyed and upset about.