Am I overreacting or am I justified?

Kynthia

I think we are all often guilty of trying to give support in the form we would need when our partner needs it in a different form. It's completely understandable as our own needs are our only basis of knowledge and experience until we've learnt more about our partner over time. This is probably the same for many things like love, affection, and express disappointment, anger, etc.

As you can see from other posters, many men don't want to talk about stress at home. They are much more likely to compartmentalise their life and often don't find talking about it helpful. Women are much more likely to want to have a moan about work stress to get it off their chest and get a bit of sympathy. So I try to remember that when my husband doesn't talk to me about work, it doesn't mean that he doesn't trust me or value my support even though that's what it meant if I didn't confide in him.

tayforth

Tropez wrote: »

Yes, I think you are.

It isn't uncommon for people to dislike bringing work-related issues home with them, particularly those that are causing them stress. Some people, rightly or wrongly, do not desire their partner to see them as weakened or vulnerable as it can feel emasculating.

It also isn't uncommon simply to desire that the home life be kept apart from the work life - if one is stressed at work on a daily basis, the home could be viewed as the sanctuary away from that stress. By encouraging discussion about these stresses, you could inadvertently and unintentionally remove any soothing effect that the home gives.

After a difficult day at work, many people see the home as something almost mystical in its power to deal with the stress but they cannot do that if when they are home they are forced to relive what they are trying to escape from.

While it is a positive thing that you want to help your OH you should not be annoyed at him that he doesn't wish to discuss it with you. He could quite easily be trying to enjoy his time with you as much as he can; without realising it coming home to you and forgetting about work could be the cathartic experience he desires.

This. 100%.

I was bullied at work, and saw my home as my sanctuary. The last thing I wanted was to relive a horrible work day once I got home.

And yes, you are overreacting xx

jenhug

Hubby never discussed work when he came home. I am far more of a sharer! He would have a good moan when he was with his mates, but at home, he was a husband and a dad, not an employee, so he never let it affect home life.

ifstar

I don't do a normal office job, but do one that can see me placed into disgusting, dangerous, upsetting or mentally exhausting situations. I've had to see and deal with things that I would never share with a partner who was not in the same line of work but can talk about with my colleagues.

It's not a negative reflection on a partner that I don't share some things with them but I do it for a few reasons - 1) I don't want to upset them by hearing what I deal with and 2) I don't want them worrying about what things I might be dealing with next time I'm out. One ex-partner said that she wanted to hear everything that I had dealt with and would she would speak to me about it as a previous ex had been in the same line of work so I felt more able to talk to her about these when we were together but was quite put out when I said that I wouldn't be doing that about certain things.

And sorry to say OP, I think I have to agree with the rest of the people. Yes I can see you are annoyed at him for saying to a colleague he was stressed especially since you have been discussing it, however perhaps something else happened which he hadn't told you about that made him feel more stressed today than previous days. Storming out for 2hrs isn't going to help either him or you. If a partner did that with me, then I'd probably be even less inclined to tell them in the future. You shouldn't be getting that much in a mood you need to leave the house for 2hrs, if you are angry go into another room for 10 mins, it really shouldn't take that long to calm down over an incident like this.

I know you said that when you came back he was off to bed and you were watching the tv, TBH I think you should have went up and apologised to him for taking off but said you felt frustrated because he was talking to a colleague and not you, but that you understand he might not want to talk but that you are there for him if and when he does.

Your last comment about letting him get on with it shows that you aren't really over this, you've just decided that it's his issue and he can deal with it and you won't say a word. As I mentioned earlier, as his partner you should say you will support him and let him open up to you.

valk_scot

Yes, you're overreacting. By a very long way. Storming out the house in a strop because he doesn't want to share his thoughts about something that happened at his work is totally OTT in my opinion. What exactly has his workplace got to do with you after all, it may be a confidential matter, it may be that you simply won't know what he's talking about. But tbh I think he doesn't want to discuss it because you're been picking on about it all week and making a huge drama out of it, as shown by the way you've flounced off and are now sitting in bed in a huff.

I've got to ask, how old are you, and how long have you been married? Because being married doesn't give you a right to live inside your partner's head and be given access to every last thought. It doesn't give you the right to be the only person in your partner's life when it comes to support. What you're doing is not offering support as the act of offering means you also understand that the support may be declined. What you're doing is demanding. You seem to be saying that just because you're married you're entitled to know his every last thought, that he has to look to you and no-one else, that in some way he's taking something away from you rather than you giving something to him.

That's not offering support, that's making it about you tbh. No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it, it will just be another layer of stress trying to deal with you getting stressed. And now you're in a sulk and he's supposed to come and in some way apologise to you? Nooo...this is not support, this is DRAMA.

And you shouldn't be snooping about reading his texts either, especially work texts. What next, opening his letters or checking his emails?

CATS

Hi All,

Yes I can see that getting annoyed was probably me overreacting. I did have to go for a drive so that I didn't get more upset, am just a bit hot headed and its better for me to calm down this way.

Valk am 30, we have been together 13 years, married 4 years. And the reason why we have lasted so long, even though we met as teenagers, is because I have always made sure we are open with each other and talk and communicate, if it was up to him he will shut down about everything.

By the way, I wasn't snooping in his texts, he was sitting next to me and handing me his phone when he got up to go to the kitchen and as the text messages were coming, I was opening them and telling him what they said and he was telling me what to reply. However one of the messages that he has sent a few minutes before said he was stressed and no he had not been to work for a few days as he is taking a few days off work due to the half term.

I guess why it annoys me is that I am not the type of woman who needs protecting from stress. I have a highly stressful managerial job in a high preassure target driven environment, which I cope well with. He knows this and surely together we can deal with his feelings and resolve things with an action plan (it can be solved with an action plan, trust me )
His work stuff will affect us both and therefore we both need to deal with it, not just him.

But anyway I am less annoyed now and it will blow over and am so sure when he wants to talk he will talk to me.

Thank you all for your input it really helped to calm me down also

lostinrates

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

Yes I can see that getting annoyed was probably me overreacting. I did have to go for a drive so that I didn't get more upset, am just a bit hot headed and its better for me to calm down this way.

Valk am 30, we have been together 13 years, married 4 years. And the reason why we have lasted so long, even though we met as teenagers, is because I have always made sure we are open with each other and talk and communicate, if it was up to him he will shut down about everything.

By the way, I wasn't snooping in his texts, he was sitting next to me and handing me his phone when he got up to go to the kitchen and as the text messages were coming, I was opening them and telling him what they said and he was telling me what to reply. However one of the messages that he has sent a few minutes before said he was stressed and no he had not been to work for a few days as he is taking a few days off work due to the half term.

I guess why it annoys me is that I am not the type of woman who needs protecting from stress. I have a highly stressful managerial job in a high preassure target driven environment, which I cope well with. He knows this and surely together we can deal with his feelings and resolve things with an action plan (it can be solved with an action plan, trust me )
His work stuff will affect us both and therefore we both need to deal with it, not just him.

But anyway I am less annoyed now and it will blow over and am so sure when he wants to talk he will talk to me.

Thank you all for your input it really helped to calm me down also

That is just how I felt (feel) when dh was going through a very miserable patch at work the year before last. However, while I know I would have dealt with it with an action plan and wanted to push dh into doing the same he is not me. Over time and in a different way he has dealt with the issue in a way I never would have, but that has worked for him.

In any case, I suggest that this evening you give him a big kiss and a treat, lots of smiles and love. Sometimes that quiet love its the most supportive thing one can do.

paulineb_2

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

Yes I can see that getting annoyed was probably me overreacting. I did have to go for a drive so that I didn't get more upset, am just a bit hot headed and its better for me to calm down this way.

Valk am 30, we have been together 13 years, married 4 years. And the reason why we have lasted so long, even though we met as teenagers, is because I have always made sure we are open with each other and talk and communicate, if it was up to him he will shut down about everything.

By the way, I wasn't snooping in his texts, he was sitting next to me and handing me his phone when he got up to go to the kitchen and as the text messages were coming, I was opening them and telling him what they said and he was telling me what to reply. However one of the messages that he has sent a few minutes before said he was stressed and no he had not been to work for a few days as he is taking a few days off work due to the half term.

I guess why it annoys me is that I am not the type of woman who needs protecting from stress. I have a highly stressful managerial job in a high preassure target driven environment, which I cope well with. He knows this and surely together we can deal with his feelings and resolve things with an action plan (it can be solved with an action plan, trust me )
His work stuff will affect us both and therefore we both need to deal with it, not just him.

But anyway I am less annoyed now and it will blow over and am so sure when he wants to talk he will talk to me.

Thank you all for your input it really helped to calm me down also

It possibly could be solved with an action plan, but these are feelings you are talking about. Not everything in life can be resolved this way, if someone is feeling stressed, its important to recognise how they are feeling and let them feel it.

And I do understand that it will affect you both, but if this were reversed, you might not be so pragmatic about solving the problem as it were, when you are in the thick of something, its sometimes harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I agree, open communication is important in a relationship, but he is who he is. If some people arent big talkers, you may need to understand that and let them deal with things in their own time.

There could have been any number of reasons why he didnt tell you he was stressed yet told a friend. You know every time Ive been in a work environment where my health has been affected Ive battled on when I should have asked for help sooner, or gone off sick for the sake of my health. Sometimes you actually dont realise how stressed you are until a few months or longer later, you are just functioning.

The people who really need to be giving the most support are his employer, because it seems that they are responsible for his stress.

And just because you do a stressful job yourself doesnt mean that you would understand the position your husband is in, as I said in the beginning, until you go through stress at work thats having a negative impact on your life (and your work stress doesnt seem to be, that is the difference), it is very hard to understand how people whos working conditions are causing them stress, function under that stress.

And possibly, you could use this incident as a way to look at how you react to arguments, because if you can be hot headed and hes not a talker, I can see when you are upset, that if you get upset, he probably wont talk.

And I appreciate you are coming from a place of concern, but how you might deal with what hes facing and how he deals with it, could be polar opposites. I appreciate its hard to watch someone be stressed, but he will work things out in his own time.

Id certainly be asking him to let his employer know how hes feeling, otherwise all he will be doing is managing the stress, not really dealing with it, because it sounds like something needs to change in the workplace.

bagpussbear

Sorry to hear about your OH's work problems, I do think you are over reacting a little.

Sometimes it's easier to get things off your chest with someone that is closer to the situation, can understand the office politics, the other people involved etc, and as they aren't as emotionally involved as you will be, your OH may feel he wants a good old rant that he might not feel fair to burden you with.

You mention that you have been trying to "help him sort it out", and although that's a reasonable thing for a partner to feel, at the same time you are not listening when he says he wants to sort it himself. He wants to handle this his way. Let him do so, but make sure he knows you are there for support and to lend a shoulder, if he needs.

Hope it sorts itself soon for you OP.