Stressed

MrsPBikerChick

Firstly you sound really down so *big Internet hugs*

I can vouch for what others are saying about menfolk and furniture - it caused many fights between hubby and I until I just accepted that he doesn't really care and got on with it. We women are much more into nesting I think so we like to plan and visualise whereas blokes aren't really into that. My hubby is of the opinion that as long as the couch is comfy and relatively near the TV all is good in the world lol

The being the responsible money one is difficult. I'm the main breadwinner in our house and have supported hubby through unemployment, problems with employers and, fingers crossed, am about to support him through 3yrs of full time uni. It's difficult not feel resentment when you work hard and have money but feel like you can't enjoy it because it has to be spent on practical things. I sometimes look at friends who earn a lot less than me and am seriously envious of the nice holidays they go on, nice clothes they can buy, etc when we're lucky if we can afford a weekend away camping and most of my clothes come from eBay. But the trick is knowing its not forever. One day my hubby will have a better paid job and we will be able to afford those nice things. One day your partner will have his divorce settled and will be able to contribute more, which might encourage his family to do the same.

In the meantime, why not set aside a portion of the money, however small, and say "this is mine and I will use it purely for me". Buy or do something with it that makes you happy and absolutely do not feel guilty over it. If you really need to vindicate yourself over it then haggle with the plasterer, get some furniture reduced or from free cycle and say "well I saved £x so I'll use that money for a treat".

I can't comment on the stressfulness of pregnancy as I've never been there but friends who have say its one of the most difficult times because their moods are all over the place, they're filled with natural worry and their blokes don't see it because they're once removed from it. One friend, about 6 months into her first pregnancy, ended up screaming at her hubby in a shop because he was being totally unhelpful in picking out a pram. It took that for him to realise how much stress she was actually feeling because he thought pregnancy and impending motherhood was something all women just took in their stride. Is it possible this is what your partner thinks and that he just hasn't realised how stressy you're actually feeling?

It sounds like you need to sit your other half down and have a proper chat with him. It's easy for people to nod in the right place but somehow convince themselves there isn't really a problem so you have to find a way of convincing him that there is a problem and it does need to be addressed. Try not to blame him (in my experience that's a guaranteed way to make a guy clam up) but leave him under no illusion as to what the problem is and what you need from him to sort it out. You might find that he just never realised the issues run as deep for you as they do.

purple.sarah

butterflylady wrote: »

I have tried to tell him how I feel, he makes all the right noises but then carries on as before.

He did suggest I go and see a counsellor to talk about things with an independent person. I dont see that I need this plus it's very expensive!!

His attitude is that you can't change things so why stress. Tho he will get stressed over something's.

A typical example is the heating where we live now broke down, he stayed in bed I rang the plumber and came home early from work to let him in. His ex's heating stopped working he rushed round to try and fix it!!!

I think he's still getting over the shock of the baby, problem is he's told me how supportive he was when his ex was pregnant and I do compare with what I get!!! :-(

The difference in attitude would bother me too. It seems this isn't just your partner's personality, there is a big difference between how he treats you and his ex. He also needs to take more responsibility around the house. Why did you have to come home and let the plumber in? Was your partner in the house?

You could try couple's counseling through Relate , fees can be flexible and some Relate Centres offer subsidised counseling sessions. I don't think you going to counseling alone would help with you feeling like you have to do most of the work in the relationship!

Relate also offers The 3 of Us , a new pilot service for both expectant couples and mums and dads with a child up to 24 months. This could be helpful for your situation.

neneromanova

Can I just ask, who broke up with who in his last relationship? And how long ago was this?

pinkcheshirecat

I think on some level most women could write most of this post. Not the money side of things perhaps, but the general decision making stuff. I find my DH will only offer input about something if he feels strongly about it. Childcare on days we both work.... My issue to sort, worrying about which child needs what on which day.... Mine to think about. Cleaning bathrooms, hoovering stairs..... All mine. My DH contributes other stuff which is his to worry about.... Cutting grass fixing domestic stuff. I sometimes think that they had it right in days gone by. Women and men had more fixed roles based on the general strengths of their gender. Women weren't expected to be super woman by working and doing all the household stuff. We didn't get an equal say in important stuff though and so things have changed for the better. I guess what I'm trying to say is. Accept that things probably aren't 50/50, but there will be times when he comes into his own.

As for the financial stuff. Be proud that you are standing on your own two feet. We have friends who receive a lot of financial input from their parents. Their parents feel they have a right to an opinion on their lives because of it. You are fending for yourselves and as a consequence you are beholden to no-one.

Most of all, enjoy baby no 2. Babies are always miracles whether planned or not.

butterflylady

Thanks for the hugs, I definitely need them!!

I have bought myself a Welsh dresser for the dining room but now I feel guilty that I've spent £155 on myself!!

I've tried to talk buggies and car seats as I am a bit particular about what I want lol, and again I've just been told to buy what I want.

There is a definate difference between how he treats me and his ex, when he meet his ex she was a single parent waiting on a council property, she's never worked since having kids so 7+ years and counting!!! So she needed looking after, while I've always worked going back part time after I had my first child, bought my ex out of the joint house last year and have managed with very limited support all my life, so become self sufficient and that's how he sees me.

butterflylady

In his previous relationship finally broke down when his ex asked him to leave, tho it had been on its last legs for a long while, they have been separated for over 2 years.

butterflylady

I so want to enjoy the baby but I want to share it and be supported by the man I love!!

neneromanova

As his ex broke up with him, and the way he treats you both differently, I'd personally have to say he isn't fully over his ex. Sorry.

I would sit him down and ask what his problem is, that you are at the end of your straw with everything that is happening and that you're not as strong as he thinks you are. Maybe also bring up how he treats you and his ex differently?

EDIT: Oh and as for the baby, my DH is the same. But i suppose it just isn't real for him at the moment. Nothing has changed for him, his body isn't expanding, he can't feel any kicks or anything so it's just like I'm getting Bigger. Maybe when you're showing more, he's able to feel kicks it might become more real for him, I know it has for my DH and i'm 5 weeks ahead of you

pinkcheshirecat

Ok, big hugs. With regard to the baby, you may find he changes once he falls in love with that precious bundle! Xx

butterflylady

Nene- I think ur right I don't think he's over his ex. She held a lot of the same beliefs as him, whereas I've always worked and bar tax credits supported myself!!

I find some of her decisions morally difficult to accept. If I question something she's said or done he will automatically defend her!! I have pointed his out but he doesn't really have an answer to it.

His FB from when they were together was all how amazing is she, now with me there's nothing even the announcement of the baby was low key compared to his sons!!!

When I write it out it looks like I'm making a huge mistake!!!