Executor Duties

John_Pierpoint

Did your mother earn her own living before her retirement?
Your mother thinks it is your "duty" to care for her.
It isn't.
The "Duty" is the other way round if it exists.

It would seem that Dad made his will sometime ago, when he was compos mentis ?
Presumably at that time he had no idea that you would be saving his potential estate something like £500 a week in dementia care and he has left everything to his widow?

If so you are likely to get the absence makes the heart grow fonder syndrome and be threatened with being cut out of her will.

If you can manage to get an independent life, mum might huff and puff, but you will actually appear as a more attractive individual.

Look into the legal/tax implications of acquiring some sort of deal that would give YOU a life interest in mum's (?) property, if the only thing economically useful you can do is "nurse" your mother.

I don't think anyone wants to repeat this situation in 20+ year's time, when you too might need care.

John

PS The two of you have 24 months in which to re-write dad's will by means of a "deed of variation"; I would suggest that as a minimum the widow gets a life interest in half the house BUT as the house might well be a "joint tenancy" (look it up on the Land Registry on-line (£3+) it night have to be a deed of gift to you from your mum, who might have been awarded the house by your dad's death certificate rather than his will.

"What are you proposing to do with this house mother - take it with you or leave it all to your care/nursing home?]"

PPS Don't forget I and the other posters only have your view of the situation, so we are all guessing. Is there someone, in the family preferably, who can take the part of disinterested broker?

SlimmingSusan

Thanks John. Yes I do take on board what you are saying, and do wonder if my depression is affecting my thinking in the situation, but I have stated things as facts as much as I can.

At the moment am going to try and keep things as simple as possible, try to start looking after myself (not good at that), and get some clarity on the situation.

For starters, solicitor on leave this week, but I know the will is at their office just down the road from me.

Do I have a right to ask to see it? I get the feeling they are going to want to control the situation in order to maximise their fees, but, as suggested in an earlier post, it should be pretty straightforward and there will be savings to be made in administering to estate.

SlimmingSusan

Another reply to a question you asked, John, Mum had a management position in the civil service for 30+ years. In bonds and stocks, so she knows all about investments.

The bulk of their savings came from my Dad's side of the family in terms of inheritance. He inherited 4 properties, the same one twice!! Firstly when my grandma died, then his brother bought his half out, then again when my uncle died. I do think about what my side of the family would have wanted, I was close to all of them, but nobody knows how things are going to turn out years ahead.

At the moment feel like I will be bypassed and everything will go to my 2 children and my grandson, all of whom she adores. Seems to be the way life goes.....I wish I could just walk away and go live on the top of a hill somewhere;). Grow a beard and meditate all day.

Mum says she will not have much money now Dad's gone, yet in the same breath says she is going to buy an investment property to subsidise her pension.

When I say I have no money I really mean it. I do have the equity in the family home, and a caravan. Am seriously considering selling when I can get well, and living in the caravan.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

My mother spluttered and said that I, their only child, and my ex husband are executors. I hadn't even thought about it.

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

For starters, solicitor on leave this week, but I know the will is at their office just down the road from me.

Do I have a right to ask to see it? I get the feeling they are going to want to control the situation in order to maximise their fees, but, as suggested in an earlier post, it should be pretty straightforward and there will be savings to be made in administering to estate.

As you and your ex are the executors, the solicitors shouldn't be doing anything other than handing the will over to you. They will probably offer to do the work - just say no until you've had time to talk it over and make decisions in your own time. There's no need to rush into things.

John_Pierpoint

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

getmore4less wrote: »

Get a hold of/look at the will ASAP.

===================================================

I do not want this responsibility, but again I do, as my dad was the most unassuming lovely man

Can I be so bold as to ask what your dad did for a living (apart from being a "trustafarian")?
This has all the feeling of a situation in my family, but for the fact that married ladies and certainly "mothers" were expected to resign from the Civil Service in those days.

That will belongs to you (& ex hubby) as the executors. Go to the solicitors and demand that they stop messing about at once. If you are worried that you don't have somewhere safe to keep it, let them keep it safe for you but insist on being given several certified copies. Tell them that "the bank must have a certified copy before they will release the contents of the deed box to the executors".;)

Remember the solicitor has a vested interest in you being dependent on his firm to sort things out.
Then your mother in (say) a year's time will have the right to see how her inheritance has been calculated - I bet she will think (perhaps correctly) that she could have saved thousands on what you would have been charged and done the job in half the time. So perhaps you should rope in mum to do the donkey work together with you, with advice from your supporters on here she will realise you are not as "daffy" as perhaps she thinks you are:T ?

What does mum make of your (ex) husband, how is she going to react if he is counter signing everything?

John

PS Whose family home? I thought mum was getting everything?

When I say I have no money I really mean it. I do have the equity in the family home, and a caravan. Am seriously considering selling when I can get well, and living in the caravan.

Its gets ever so cold and damp in a caravan in the winter.

I will be bypassed and everything will go to my 2 children and my grandson, all of whom she adores. Seems to be the way life goes....
Very possibly, this might be a suitable situation for setting up a trust [but the trustees, who love the caravan dweller, can lend money to her so, she dies penniless and the tax man gets nothing].

Something tells me that one of these three will be able to act as "honest broker" when dealing with your mother.

Before this discussion gets totally surreal, I think you need to take the first step and get a working copy of that will.

SlimmingSusan

Dad was a farmer until his dad sold the land for building, then also went into the civil service, but remained at a lower level in office stores. He never did take to office life.

Mum dotes on ex husband, despite the way he treated me. He spent and hid a lot of money, but lets not go into that now. We were married 23 years.

Mum has a thing about men-lol. She adores my son, my grandson, still looks on my ex husband as son in law, refuses to acknowledge the divorce, but treats me and my daughter differently. I think it comes from the fact she miscarried 2 boys before she gave birth to me. It has me in counselling....

edsjad

looks like you have loads of good advice here susan. My two pennyworth is that it seems to me that you can't care for anyone now AT ALL - time to take care of yourself. My dad died in jan and I don't feel that I've started getting going again really until mid may - and that's just the greif - that's aside from any long standing illness. Sounds from what you have said that doing any looking after your mum at all is just going to make you more and more ill - and probably not do her any good either to be honest. Let her have someone else to take it out on - (grief makes you angry and ultra sensitive apart from anything else - saying that from my experience over last few months) even if it's just for the next few months til you get yourself stronger. Sounds a really bad idea to me to be her official carer - or even unofficial. You don't want to be resentful about having cared for her and not lived your life in twenty years time. Take care of yourself for now. all the best. Jay

mattyprice4004

edsjad wrote: »

looks like you have loads of good advice here susan. My two pennyworth is that it seems to me that you can't care for anyone now AT ALL - time to take care of yourself. My dad died in jan and I don't feel that I've started getting going again really until mid may - and that's just the greif - that's aside from any long standing illness. Sounds from what you have said that doing any looking after your mum at all is just going to make you more and more ill - and probably not do her any good either to be honest. Let her have someone else to take it out on - (grief makes you angry and ultra sensitive apart from anything else - saying that from my experience over last few months) even if it's just for the next few months til you get yourself stronger. Sounds a really bad idea to me to be her official carer - or even unofficial. You don't want to be resentful about having cared for her and not lived your life in twenty years time. Take care of yourself for now. all the best. Jay

I completely agree with this.
Hope you feel better soon.