Constantly judged for using disabled bays? Autism and Blue Badge?

abi.marshall

I just wanted to see if anyone on here can relate to my problem, I read a recent thread about a lady with a disabled baby who was challenged about her use of a disabled bay, when her baby was clearly disabled and using an oxygen tank. I can totally relate to her and support her!

My problem is a little different, my 7 year old son does not look disabled, he can walk and talk and he also has Autism. He is beautiful and happy and doing very well, he is in the best special class in a mainstream school and has a lovely circle of friends and family to support us. He has no behavioral issues now, as we have worked hard to make him feel secure enough in his environments and I am now amindreader when it comes to him!

We were granted DLA and Carers Allowance for me, and a Blue Badge. My GP (who is wonderful) urged me to apply for one to limit the amount of time we spend in car parks, as this is a trigger for him to become unpredictable, panic in sensory overload/excitement and he begins to run on the spot, squirming and squinting his face in total overload. The badge has been a lifesaver as it really limits the amount of time spent around cars thus removing the risk of danger. An example of how bad things got was I had put my baby son in his pram and then took my elder son out of the car holding his hand firmly. It was a hot day and we had sweaty hands and he was calm until he saw someting him and he bolted, he has no sense of danger at all, he slipped my hand. I raced after him and managed to grab his hand and yank him back out of the way of a coming car, in this he ended up falling and hitting his head so it was straight to A&E after that.

Ive had at least five people challenge me about using a disbled bay, but probably a million dirty disgusted looks, when the badge and time card were clearly displayed. People were nasty. One woman said when I showed her the picture of my son on the back of the card "he doesnt look disbled to me". So I just replied that I was glad she wasn't a Doctor. Ironically, I noticed that she had parked in a parent and toddler bay without a child...

I'd never use his badge when he isn't with me, I would never abuse it, and if some parent and toddler spaces are free and he is having "a good day" I will use those instead to make way for somebody else.

Am I supposed to apologise for my son having a "good day"? When things aren't so obvious?

I guess my message here is please don't judge, it really hurts.

nlj1520

I totally understand, having been in a similar situation with my son (who is now 21). Just as we mums of autistic children have to become immune to other people's reactions to an autistic meltdown, I think we have to become immune to other's views of all the aspects of the way of life that goes with an autistic child. I have gone through all the range of reactions to people's comments from anger, through sarcasm to (on a good day!) a calm explanation of autism. I think any are valid reactions..........their intolerance says a lot more about them than it does about you............let them get on with it and ignore them and have a hug from me!

abi.marshall

Thank you nlj I honestly think for the most part I have been embarassed and felt like I had to explain myself but then I get home and think WHAT?! Like I say, if a parent and toddler spaces are free and he is having "a good day" I will use that, out of courtesy.

Thanks for the hug

toomuchinfo

My son has autism too and find that I have become completely immune to other peoples reactions and opinions.
They should try living with him for a day and they'd soon lose their smug and judgemental attitudes.
My son is 16 now so maybe as your son gets older you'll encounter better attitudes from people because it becomes more obvious that they're disabled.

abi.marshall

toomuchinfo wrote: »

My son has autism too and find that I have become completely immune to other peoples reactions and opinions.
They should try living with him for a day and they'd soon lose their smug and judgemental attitudes.
My son is 16 now so maybe as your son gets older you'll encounter better attitudes from people because it becomes more obvious that they're disabled.

Thank you for your reply, its nice to hear from somebody with experience. I hope what you say is true, right now we are at a funny age, he is extraordinarily polite to whoever he speaks to, but things can get funny outside. How did you become immune to reactions? My son is 7 but when I get home after being challenged I'm still shaking in embarassment/fury/indignance that I start thinking of all the things I SHOULD have said!

I doesn't even come across as "naughty kid syndrome" as it could have been interpreted a while ago.

thanks for reply, best wishes for you and your son

paddedjohn

Next time someone uses the classic line 'he doesnt look disabled', just say 'and you dont look stupid' and walk away.

Brassedoff

Hi OP and the rest who have come out in support. I totally understand your post. I sort of understand what you are saying with time going around a car park. But expect the mumsnet milita to be called out on the questions I am to ask.

So I will go against the grain with you and ask, if a child is able to get in a car, take in all the traffic etc that you say makes them react only in a car park, then walk around town, shops or anywhere, taking in all there is to see again, but only reacting in the scenario you've given (mumsnet will not read that when replying), when in a car park, or when you are parking. How on earth do you manage in these other times? Is there a blue light you are allowed to flash to cut through the traffic? Is there a special line only open to parents with children suffering from these conditions. Why is the Blue Badge the only essential thing?

You have admitted he can walk perfectly well. For that I am so pleased he has that ability.

My sister had extreme ADHD, my Nephew has severe Asperger's. my friends lad has the condition too. Yet at no point for my sister would we ever thought to have applied for a Blue Badge, taking a possible parking place that would stop a disabled person who could not walk, or has severe mobility issues being able to get to a shop to buy food to eat, pay a bill to stop their electricity from being cut off. Prevent them from parking in that last place that they needed to get the the chemist for life or death drugs?

The OP and many other parents with children with the same disorder, will no doubt attack me for saying this. But I ask why would anyone who can park, get out, walk around a whole shop or local town centre perfectly well, albeit with some element possibility of triggering the expression of behaviour, not park just that little further?

If I get a parking space, quite often its a big if. I take 20 minutes getting the wheelchair set up, wheel directly to the shop, turn around and get back in the car, go home and sleep because I am exhausted.

I have two kids. Thankfully they are now both grown up. But in their day, they too could do one in a shop. I (when I had use of my legs) had to drag them from a shop kicking and screaming on plenty of occasions.

My friends lad is now perfectly able to drive, go clubbing, has his own gardening business, yet as a kid had a mobility car, blue badge, high rate DLA for Care and mobility. So there is hope that once old enough they will lead a regular life. He is still clearly affected by his condition.

Hopefully you will now be as open to the question as to why you are parking in a disabled bay from people who see you with a child who can walk and looks perfectly 'normal', they don't know your child has a condition.

For me, I never get asked, I am clearly disabled, I am in a wheelchair.

toomuchinfo

abi.marshall wrote: »

Thank you for your reply, its nice to hear from somebody with experience. I hope what you say is true, right now we are at a funny age, he is extraordinarily polite to whoever he speaks to, but things can get funny outside. How did you become immune to reactions? My son is 7 but when I get home after being challenged I'm still shaking in embarassment/fury/indignance that I start thinking of all the things I SHOULD have said!

I doesn't even come across as "naughty kid syndrome" as it could have been interpreted a while ago.

thanks for reply, best wishes for you and your son

I have never been challenged about the parking space, but when he was younger sometimes people would comment on his behaviour, I never engaged with those people. I was too busy dealing with my son and some people don't understand autism and don't want to.

It's not a competition. I don't judge other peoples disabilities and don't care if they want to judge my DS's disabilities. My life is difficult enough and I can't worry about other peoples prejudices.

As i said, my DS is 16, he can't read or write, tell the time, communicate, he doesn't know how old he is. He will never lead an independent life. We don't get any comments now because he looks very disabled. It's like having a 6ft toddler!

SPELLKASTER

I was given a blue badge because I cant walk very far without getting breathless due to a heart problem.

When me and my hubby pull up into a disabled spot and then display the blue badge, we have had confrontation.

We've had run ins with people who ask us why we have a blue badge; we get attitude and dirty looks.

We then have to explain why; then people change their attitude.

I was born with my heart problem and it really grates on me people aren't sympathetic; at school I couldnt do sports day because I got out of breath too quick and sometimes I get palpitations.

mumps

abi.marshall wrote: »

I'd never use his badge when he isn't with me, I would never abuse it, and if some parent and toddler spaces are free and he is having "a good day" I will use those instead to make way for somebody else.

.

I don't understand this bit, why can you only use parent and toddler spaces if he is having a good day? Sorry if I am being a bit thick but where I shop the parent and toddler spaces and disabled spaces are the same, larger spaces near the shop, in fact at both my local supermarkets the parent and toddler spaces are closer to the shop.

My husband has had a blue badge for many years, he was parked in a disabled bay when we took the two youngest home from maternity hospital so we have been in a bay unloading prams, screaming kids etc. We have only been challenged once, and that was by someone who had cut us up and we said something to him and his reply was why were we in a disabled bay. I've never noticed dirty looks but maybe I am less sensitive than some.

seven-day-weekend

There are such things as invisible disabilities, I know several people with them. I have a son with Aspergers Syndrome, his girlfriend has it too.

As your son has a blue badge you are entitled to use it and other people should not question that. Just ignore them.