I have just told my partner about my debt problem...

paulineb_2

VitaK wrote: »

If you read the stories on here you will see that it does take time for the partners to accept it. Its not the money side of things that hurts the most, its the lies, deceits an broken dreams.

Hes partly caused this debt issue by not paying as big a proportion of his household earnings into the share of the bills, because her income was tiny in comparison.

I think if you really love someone and you were in fact partly responsible and someone is trying their best to sort this out, you dont start cracking jokes about mcdonalds, you either

1 support them
2 leave

Staying and making someones life a misery really isnt a good option.

VitaK

My comment was not meant as a criticism.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. He could have made a bigger contribution, and she should have raised this issue instead of turning to credit from other sources. This is for the most parts irrelevant now.

What I was pointing out was that these things takes time to get through.

dktreesea

paulineb wrote: »

Was there an issue because you had to pay more out of the money you had to pay household bills? As someone else has said he might not have been putting enough into the household pot as it were, and you were putting a bigger percentage of what you earned in, if so, its little wonder you were struggling.

If that is the case can he not see why you ended up in debt.

As I read this thread, the words that popped into my head are, you dont sound happy.

Seriously, hes angry and there may be some justification in this, but do you really want to spend your life with someone who is making digs about the situation you've found yourself in.

Im not sure I would if that were me. Making digs about you about McDonalds and about cars. Its horrible, its undermining you and there are better ways to sort out any issues he feels than by nit picking away at you.

Hes putting you down and that alone for me would have massive alarm bells ringing.

Well said. I couldn't agree more.

MissNB, your partner seems to just be seeing things from his point of view and not yours. Not everyone can cope with straitened circumstances for a long period of time, including students.

Even for people in relationships, if people want something, maybe it's about time they stopped looking to/depending on their partners to get them there and relied a lot more on their own resources. His reaction seems to be so typical of many partners when they find out their OH has debts. Something along the lines of "Oh NO! How could you do this to me, to US. I had plans, which involved you (translation: your unencumbered income). Now you've ruined EVERYTHING, by having a DM (expletive's inserted) P!! My plans - our plans - will be set back for years because of your selfishness/greed (insert more put down adjectives here)."

And then, if that's not bad enough, he then proceeds to continue squandering his own money, while subjecting you to all of this??!! And therein lies one of the real issues. He doesn't want to really make an all out effort to get what he wants. He wants to still be able to fritter away his income, knowing he has your income to fall back on when he goes to get a mortgage.

dktreesea

Vikipollard wrote: »

If I could change one thing (about the aftermath) it would be the amount of time I let myself be a whipping post. Don't let it go on as in the worst case scenario, it becomes a means to emotionally abuse you and that's a slope even Jeyes Fluid can't degrease.

There's some seriously good advice. I know having a lot less household income coming in (because it is going on servicing the debt) is hard on the partner who didn't incur it. Plus there is always the worry that the OH will go for the retail therapy option sometime in the future. And that the OH feels angry/helpless/not in control. But if their way of dealing with it is emotional abuse, maybe it is better to go separate ways.

It's one thing to live with debt repayment, but quite another to live with depression caused by your OH wanting to define you by what is ultimately something material that really doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things.

lokisgirl

This is clearly not a popular sentiment but I feel a bit sorry for your OH. Two days ago he thought he was in a great relationship where you were both moving forwards together, and suddenly blam! his relationship is actually not so great (serious communication issues) and there's £6k debt that's going to put a big dent in everything he thought you were planning together. The poor guy must have emotional whiplash.

Most of the people on here talking about how great their partner was when they told them went into that conversation expecting their partner to leave them. You went into that conversation expecting sympathy. I am sorry but I am not entirely surprised your expectations were unfufilled.

If you made your post a week or so after you told your OH, then I would agree that he was out of order. However you only told him 2 days ago. I think expecting immediate sympathy/postivity is expecting a bit much. If you'd told him back when it was, say, a £60 gas bill you couldn't afford on your student budget, then yes sympathy/postivity, but you took the chance for him to give you that away from him.

However regrets and might-have-beens get no one anywhere. You have to move forward. And yes, there is no way you can live the next year/rest of your life with your OH digging at you every 5 seconds. He didn't consider the effects of your limited budget and you didn't tell him. He needs to accept that, draw a line under it, and move on.

However you've had the past how ever long to come to terms with this; he's had two days. Give the poor bloke a chance to recover his balance before you castigate him for not reacting the way you thought he should.