I have just told my partner about my debt problem...

KeepFighting_2

missnb
It is not the debt it is the lying and deceit that is the problem. I hid £102,000 from my wife for 8 years. I know that this is on a large scale but i now only owe £2000 which will be paid off next year. Plus a part of our mortgage. This she deals with quite well 4 years after I told her but she still hurts over the lies and deceit. YOu have to take it slowly but the most important thing is to talk and take the lead. Perhaps a joint account would be a good idea show that you have nothing to hide. Talking is the only cure for this whether he wants to or not. A counsellor told my wife that it would take several years for the hurt to go away. Do not do anything rash and it will be used in arguments when you are least expecting it and there is no defence. I would say that you need to do everything you can to make it right and then judge his reaction. If it seems to be a continuous sore and you cannot se a solution then the question will be do we carry on?

Leebertine

I'm sorry you got such a negative reaction from your partner.

I was in a similar position, I hid things from my wife so that I could "deal" with it on my own, but dealing with it meant that I ignored it. As you can tell, this was a lose / lose situation. Eventually, I admitted the problem to my wife (after she cornered me and asked why I kept hiding my mail and opening it in different room ) and I even confessed to my parents. They have actually helped me get out of this situation and have supplied me with 1000's of pounds to help get myself back on my feet.

My wife, although initially angry - is warming to this as she sees that I am sorting my / our finances out. Although I have added incentive in that she is pregnant. I'm hoping within the next 2 months we can seriously start to buy baby produce. Shrugs. We will see what happens, but I am excited for the future for the first time in a long time.

Give him time and I hope that he calms down and see's the good you are doing now, not the mistakes you made previously. If not, you have to ask yourself "is he right for me?".

ValHaller

KeepFighting wrote: »

YOu have to take it slowly but the most important thing is to talk and take the lead. Perhaps a joint account would be a good idea show that you have nothing to hide. Talking is the only cure for this whether he wants to or not.

talking and having nothing to hide is good. But with OP on a DMP, the Joint Account will ruin her partner's credit record, because his record will effectively be damned with the DMP.

Don't do the joint account.

KeepFighting_2

ValHaller wrote: »

talking and having nothing to hide is good. But with OP on a DMP, the Joint Account will ruin her partner's credit record, because his record will effectively be damned with the DMP.

Don't do the joint account.

Good point should have thought of that

paulineb_2

Was there an issue because you had to pay more out of the money you had to pay household bills? As someone else has said he might not have been putting enough into the household pot as it were, and you were putting a bigger percentage of what you earned in, if so, its little wonder you were struggling.

If that is the case can he not see why you ended up in debt.

As I read this thread, the words that popped into my head are, you dont sound happy.

Seriously, hes angry and there may be some justification in this, but do you really want to spend your life with someone who is making digs about the situation you've found yourself in.

Im not sure I would if that were me. Making digs about you about McDonalds and about cars. Its horrible, its undermining you and there are better ways to sort out any issues he feels than by nit picking away at you.

Hes putting you down and that alone for me would have massive alarm bells ringing.

missnb

paulineb wrote: »

Was there an issue because you had to pay more out of the money you had to pay household bills? As someone else has said he might not have been putting enough into the household pot as it were, and you were putting a bigger percentage of what you earned in, if so, its little wonder you were struggling.

If that is the case can he not see why you ended up in debt.

As I read this thread, the words that popped into my head are, you dont sound happy.

Seriously, hes angry and there may be some justification in this, but do you really want to spend your life with someone who is making digs about the situation you've found yourself in.

Im not sure I would if that were me. Making digs about you about McDonalds and about cars. Its horrible, its undermining you and there are better ways to sort out any issues he feels than by nit picking away at you.

Hes putting you down and that alone for me would have massive alarm bells ringing.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, as I am unhappy with his reaction, but it's all still very recent - I only told him within the last couple of days. So although it's hard at the minute, I'm hoping for improvement

Feeling more positive this afternoon. I think he will come round and I'm aware of the shock he must have had. In terms of the trust thing, I'm going to show him my SC statements every month so that he knows I'm doing something about it and finally, I'm keeping on top of my debt issues.

With regards to the splitting household bills thing - he was paying more than me, but I didn't have enough to cover my part of the bills as I was on a student budget. Hindsight is a wonderful things, and looking back, I should have swallowed my pride and told him!

Well, you live and learn!

Vikipollard

Been there and got that particular hair shirt. My debt was (as you can see from my signature) almost £20k and he went onto a different astral plane. Understandably, because of the deceit, but after a while (several months) he did admit that he wondered why I wouldn't go to the cashpoint but would buy the grocery shop. He suspected it was a credit card but never actually asked me.

Ultimately, he knew how much I earned and it was obvious that I didn't earn enough to pay for the things I did outright. I had sought out my solution (an IVA) before I told him but in truth, that's WHY I told him. I had no choice as I had to put all our details into the form and as I am not on the mortgage, I feared they may go after him in some way to get money from the house. Wrongly feared I might add, but I didn't know that at the time.

He was nasty for quite a while, never ~ even six years on ~ sympathetic. My wages went into his bank account and a figure for my bills and housekeeping transferred to my account each month. I regained control after five years but had shown I could manage money and indeed save an emergency fund.

The sniping went on intermittently for years but you become hardened to it. Yes, it did grind, but eventually I got strong enough to say I faced it and dealt with it and it's time you did too.

He needs to face the uncomfortable reality that he knew what money you had coming in and never questioned what you were paying. That's also sitting in there (the nagging guilt) which the macho chest beating is trying to mask. Much easier to be a martyr than to live with one

If I could change one thing (about the aftermath) it would be the amount of time I let myself be a whipping post. Don't let it go on as in the worst case scenario, it becomes a means to emotionally abuse you and that's a slope even Jeyes Fluid can't degrease.

sugarplum10

You can see this as a positive thing.
You have gained the debt now rather than in some years when it does financially affect him, at least now you have made the mistake and learnt from it before any harm is done.
Also, all this budgeting will make you well prepared for when you have to be on a budget to pay your mortgage, think of it as preparation for then.
You were very responsable in that you have addressed the issue and presented it to him with the solution (ie repayment plan) already in place and thats very commendable.
good luck and i hope to see you debt free on here soon.

VitaK

If you read the stories on here you will see that it does take time for the partners to accept it. Its not the money side of things that hurts the most, its the lies, deceits an broken dreams.

paulineb_2

missnb wrote: »

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, as I am unhappy with his reaction, but it's all still very recent - I only told him within the last couple of days. So although it's hard at the minute, I'm hoping for improvement

Feeling more positive this afternoon. I think he will come round and I'm aware of the shock he must have had. In terms of the trust thing, I'm going to show him my SC statements every month so that he knows I'm doing something about it and finally, I'm keeping on top of my debt issues.

With regards to the splitting household bills thing - he was paying more than me, but I didn't have enough to cover my part of the bills as I was on a student budget. Hindsight is a wonderful things, and looking back, I should have swallowed my pride and told him!

Well, you live and learn!

I actually think you need to do more than that, I think you need to tell him that your debt was caused in part by not earning enough to pay towards the household bills.

Yes hes upset you didnt tell him sooner, but his reaction is over the top and perhaps you simply need to say to him, I couldnt afford to pay my share of the bills on what I earned and thats partly why I ended up in debt.