I have just told my partner about my debt problem...

missnb

It really did not go well. I have just over £6000 of debt that has been mounting over the past 3-4 years. I have recently contacted StepChange for help and have been paying a dmp for the last couple of months. I am feeling so much more in control and happy with my finances, I also read a lot of threads on here about how supportive the other halves have been for you lot, and how much better people have felt for sharing the load, so decided to tell my other half.

He hit the roof . He said he felt betrayed that I had lied to him for so long, all of which i can understand. The hard part though, is that he said he had no sympathy for me whatsoever. I tried to explain how I am tackling the problem and dealing with it rather than ignoring it but he didn't seem to care. He was totally unsupportive. I wish I hadn't said anything at all as I was just getting to a point where debt wasn't constantly encroaching on my life, and now it's back, seemingly worse than ever.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Did your partners come round eventually? Thank you.

matttye

He probably just needs time after you dropped a bombshell like that on him.

Give him some time to get his head around it.

harrys_dad

I cannot say what your partner will do in the future, but there have been a number of similar threads recently so others may respond. What I would say is that you have done the right thing by telling him, and hopefully after the initial shock he will come round.

I have several questions though. What are your financial arrangements? Are you linked financially? How do you share the bills? Who earns more? For most couples it is easier to share all income and expenditure, perhaps with an "allowance" each. Maybe he sees your debts as a threat to his financial independence, but if you are partners you should be partners in everything, including finances.

moohound

My OH was not too bad when I told him, he became worse a bit later when it had sunk in a bit I guess. He was not happy that he had to move his bank accounts and direct debits, but when it came to do it he was ok and pretty uncomplaining. The same day I told him I also found out my dad had terminal cancer, so to have been too hard on me would have been pretty heartless.

I think our relationship improved eventually,because when my debt was a secret I was withdrawn and was not sleeping properly, so I was probably poor company and quite hard to live with.

In fact my debts did not really affect him that much, he could still do pretty much what he wanted with his own money.

He does have digs now and again, like if I see a car or something I like he says, could have had that, as if I didn't know that already.

I sorted out a payment plan before I told him and I glad I did, as I was not bringing just a problem but a solution as well.

He asked what I had spent it on and where the Ferrari was

He is ok with it now, especially as it will be all paid off this month, though he is still annoyed we can't save money on our mortgage because of my defaults, he will probably go on about this until the defaults fall off.

missnb

Thank you for the replies.

Harrysdad - My debt would not affect his money in any way, as we keep our finances completely separate - which is why I managed to keep it quiet for so long. His main issue seems to be that the plan was to save for a mortgage deposit over the next 2 years - when we would have began to share finances - but he feels like that opportunity is gone now because of my debt problem.

I can completely understand that it was a shock, I think I just expected him to consider what it's been like for me over the past few years!! Although I know that sounds completely selfish because it is my problem, and there's only me that has got me into this situation

Moohound - I am glad to hear your relationship has improved. I think my OH will be the same with the digs and so on though, he said something earlier in McDonalds as he ordered his food 'can we get this on pay monthly??' under his breath - I hope he'll stop with that as soon as he calms down a bit - I don't know!

Very drained and deflated atm

moohound

Try to stay positive, it will get paid off you will be debt free, the defaults will fall off eventually. You will save and get a house one day. That day would have been further away if you hadn't faced up to it and got it sorted now.

The little digs do get very wearing after a while.

At least it's 'only' 6 grand not nearly 40 like mine was

Pee

The mortgage option is not cancelled, it's postponed. You will find that you are better with money now, with a budget and the repayments and the repayments can become deposit savings as soon as the debts are cleared, probably meaning you will save more money more quickly and you won't go crazy with new stuff for the house. If he can't get over it, you are lucky to find this out before you get married and/ or buy a house together. After a reasonable period if he isn't behaving reasonably, you will find there are better options for you. Yes, you lied and yes, that it rubbish. It's reasonable that you have to rebuild that trust. If he's the right man for you, he will forgive you and you will move on together.

dazrs

Me and my wife split up because of debt she went about it wrong way, I kind of knew she was in debt as she been hiding letters but she denied it which frustrated it more. It the end it got bad as I found out after she denyed it I got a letter from the courts saying I owed money for an account it been defaulted, so been using my name to get credit then had no intention of paying it, I was so crossed I had to do a credit check so I had it in black and white and then I had to ring the company to check, then she finally admitted it but was to late damage was done. She has been in debt before and I gone out my way to help her, but then things just spiral out of control and that was final straw, at least you trying to do something, it be shock that hits him 1st I'm sure you sort something, he prob thinking it affect his credit as well, I was so annoyed as I had good credit, and always go out my way to pay bills, and with in 6 month she got me defaulted, took ages to get it all sorted.

harrys_dad

Hi again, whilst I understand that your finances are separate, at least for now, I was wondering how you split things up between you. Most in your position split things 50/50, but if he earns more than you, or vice versa, this is not really fair. Could be worth thinking about.

I also back up what Pee said, once he has got over the initial shock, which is understandable, you need to work on this together and he needs to be forgiving and understanding. If he cannot do this you need to move on.

Miss_Poohs

My husband had more than 10 times your level of debt - and although I'm supportive now I wasn't when faced with the whole horrible truth - to put not too fine a point on it I could have taken his head off with my bare hands!!!
He's now 6years into his DAS and I am really proud of him for that - ultimately he'll pay it all back.
To tell the truth I still don't have a lot of sympathy for him, he got into a lot of debt so "thems the breaks" as they say, but I am proud of him for tackling the problem.
Give your OH time - let him see you're serious about putting things right.
I my case it wasn't the level of debt but the deceit of it all that upset me, but there's none of us perfect.

missnb

Thanks for the replies.

I feel much better this morning. He still isn't speaking to me, and I'm still kind of regretting telling him (although I know that's wrong and I HAVE done the right thing!)

Miss Poohs, I hope he will soon see that I am serious about the problem and am putting things in place to sort it out, as you saw with your partner. I am starting a new job in September where I will be able to double my DMP payments every month, so I can see a light at the end of the tunnel!

Thanks again evryone