Problems agreeing on care for elderly mother

securityguy

paulineb wrote: »

Actually, some people can't take responsibility for themselves when they get older, ill health can get in the way. My gran was housebound for the last couple of years of her life, she had a couple of minor falls and ended up in hospital, she was able to come out and had her flat adapted with some occupational therapy aids. She got attendance allowance but she didn't want outside help in and my mum was quite happy with that. She did a lot for my gran, it was appreciated, she did her shopping for her, she saw her most days, my brother and I visited her as well.

My gran had lost all her family young, husband, brothers, son. We were all she had left. She was very independent. And she lived out her days in her flat, she died just over 2 years ago last Christmas, of a massive stroke and even though she was 86, it was still a massive shock.

My mum still works full time and she didnt give her job up, my gran didnt need personal care, she just needed someone to get the shopping in, help with paying her bills..

That's a completely different situations to the OP's, where the mother does need, and will need increasing, personal care. More to the point, the situation you describe isn't "can't", it's "won't". There's a huge difference. If your eight year old says that they don't like school dinners and want to go home every day for mummy to cook a lunch, and no, going to Mrs Jones' next door won't do, how many parents would immediately give up work? What if your teenager says they don't like the bus and want to be driven to school every day, and no, a taxi won't do? Why is it different for elderly parents?

Help is available to the OP's mother. She just wants different help.

duchy

SuzieSue wrote: »

And the OP needs to be careful that she doesn't become ill with all the stress. It is hard enough working full time and looking after four young children without having to spend every other weekend away from them. She needs to put a stop to it now. If it means that she falls out with her sister, then so be it.

Of course if she doesn't help out and her sister gets stressed - she'll end up doing it all anyway so the sensible thing to do is find something workable now.

I read the earlier posts differently-that the sister gave up her job because she felt there wasn't anyone else to do it-and is expecting back up from her sister. Sadly if the OP is the type who tells everyone else how it should be done and is generous with advice and stingy with time-then she and her sister WILL likely not see eye to eye. I do think it sounds like the OP's husband isn't supporting her if she's spending the weekend caring and coming home to a chaotic house - presumably either the husband or another adult was present -or if not the "children" would be old enough to pick up after themselves.

Often the help the primary carer needs is not really appreciated by other family members....and if the Mum won't have strangers in the house then the primary carer WILL need more help.

When I was caring for my Mum (and working and raising a child with a disability- but was a single Mum so do understand the conflicts - but no husband to help unlike the OP))my brother was long on advice on how I should do things and promises to help-and very short on action -It gets very frustrating.

Everyone it seems needs to see the other sides - not just the OP and her sister but the OP's husband too . She needs his support at home whilst she is "working" at her Mum's.

securityguy

duchy wrote: »

ter gave up her job because she felt there wasn't anyone else to do it-and is expecting back up from her sister.

Or, alternatively, that the sister, without a husband and children to care about, thought she had the luxury of being able to pander to her mother's whims without consequences, and now finds that she doesn't.

The OP won't end up doing it all. If the sister is no longer able to cope, the mother will have no option but to accept the paid help that she should have taken to start with. There is sufficient money. This isn't about providing the last ditch care when there is no alternative, this is about an elderly women refusing help other than on her terms. If there were no money, the situation might be rather different, but there is money. There's no mention of any outside help, rather there's a big stack of cash being sat on while the OP's family are assumed to be expendable.

Lara44

securityguy wrote: »

"Ask your OH to step up and support you too. Nobody chooses to have ageing and unwell parents and he should be helping you out as much as he can."

Perhaps. He may, of course, have already said "let's just pay someone". He may have elderly parents of his own, or just have finished dealing with them, or be about to, or any number of other issues. Someone who works nights is in a very bad position to help, anyway.

I don't really see how working nights is an excuse not to support your partner?! Maybe I think about marriage a bit differently. Money's not the answer to all the problems here.

securityguy

Lara44 wrote: »

I don't really see how working nights is an excuse not to support your partner?! Maybe I think about marriage a bit differently. Money's not the answer to all the problems here.

"Let's go out for dinner".

"I'd love to, but my mother and my sister say I have to cook".

"OK, let's get a take away".

"I'd love to, but my mother and my sister say I have to cook".

Time passes.

"You !!!!!!!, why aren't you helping with the cooking?"

bailey_kc

Even though she's your Mum, you have a right to say NO and a right to your life. I would strongly suggest you get in touch with your local carers centre as they can support you through this. Just google, find my local carers centre.

oicu812

Thanks for all your comments, it has really helped me to think clearly. This situation has stressed me out to the point where I feel permanently sick and and wake up in a panic after 4 hours' sleep, so thinking it through is difficult.
I contacted Age UK who were very sympathetic and assured me that the local council could send a Social Care team to assess my mother's situation and give advice on buying in care. My sister does seem to be considering this now.
There's been some criticism on this thread of my husband. He isn't useless, but there is a lot to do at the weekend because of our workloads during the week. If I am with him during the weekend then we just about manage to get it all done. He has accepted all this without complaint and would be willing to have my mother come to live with us.
It's worth noting that he also has an elderly mother who lives in supported housing 40 miles away. We agreed to see her more often so that she could get to know her grandchildren better, but since my father's death that plan has been put off.

Dunroamin

securityguy wrote: »

That's a completely different situations to the OP's, where the mother does need, and will need increasing, personal care. More to the point, the situation you describe isn't "can't", it's "won't". There's a huge difference. If your eight year old says that they don't like school dinners and want to go home every day for mummy to cook a lunch, and no, going to Mrs Jones' next door won't do, how many parents would immediately give up work? What if your teenager says they don't like the bus and want to be driven to school every day, and no, a taxi won't do? Why is it different for elderly parents?

Going by many posts on here, lots of parents would do exactly that - quite the opposite of what they would do for their elderly parents.

KxMx

oicu812 wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments, it has really helped me to think clearly. This situation has stressed me out to the point where I feel permanently sick and and wake up in a panic after 4 hours' sleep, so thinking it through is difficult.
I contacted Age UK who were very sympathetic and assured me that the local council could send a Social Care team to assess my mother's situation and give advice on buying in care. My sister does seem to be considering this now.
There's been some criticism on this thread of my husband. He isn't useless, but there is a lot to do at the weekend because of our workloads during the week. If I am with him during the weekend then we just about manage to get it all done. He has accepted all this without complaint and would be willing to have my mother come to live with us.
It's worth noting that he also has an elderly mother who lives in supported housing 40 miles away. We agreed to see her more often so that she could get to know her grandchildren better, but since my father's death that plan has been put off.

I know it doesn't cover everything that needs doing, but would getting a cleaner once or twice a week, even as a short term measure, ease the burden at weekends?

Could a food shop be ordered online and delivered to save you/hubby the job?

I know housework must be difficult with kids and having to work all week, but kids can be taught to tidy after themselves and sometimes it's worth spending 5 minutes here and there during the week doing a little job, even when you're fit to drop.

Are there things that could be scaled back or cut out while things are particularly tough? Some people iron anything and everything for example which really is unecessary.

It might also be worth going to see your GP to see if he feels you need any help yourself. There is nothing wrong in asking for it when you're in a position that you're being pulled 10 ways at once with none of them being good for you or for you benefit/enjoyment.