Problems agreeing on care for elderly mother

Dunroamin

I think that it's your husband who's at fault here. I really can't understand why he can't hold the fort for the occasional weekend, particularly as you're not far away.

whitewing

Perhaps your sister could live in your house at weekends while you look after mum. It may give her some insight. I do really feel for you as it is difficult to manage both parents working and young children and all the chores let alone trying to keep a marriage on the boil.

securityguy

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think that it's your husband who's at fault here. I really can't understand why he can't hold the fort for the occasional weekend, particularly as you're not far away.

Even if the OP made a deal with her sister (which it appears she didn't), the OP's husband wasn't party to it. The basic problem is that people are enabling the mother's arbitrary choice not to accept care on the terms that it's available: first her husband, then one daughter, then another daughter, are pandering to her rather than taking the solution of paid help (there's plenty of money). There's no reason for her son-in-law to also pander.

A woman living on her own, with sufficient funds to pay for care, refuses to pay for that care. Rather than running around after her and enabling that, her daughters need to be firm. Because things are going to get worse not better, and the real victims of this end up being the OP's children.

Lifeforms

oicu812 wrote: »

My husband's hours vary but he usually leaves for work at 4:30pm and returns in the early hours.
At first I left the children with my husband when I cared for my mother, but because he is sleep-deprived and basically nocturnal, he struggled to cope. The house was a mess and life was chaotic.

I can't offer advice, BUT i did want to quote this, seeing as a few have ragged on the OH for not doing his bit, and obviously hasn't read that the guy is working nights/evenings effectively. Vaccuming, running washing machines, hanging out washing, cooking next days dinner is not appropriate at (presumably) 3-4am when the poor guy comes home after work. To then get up 2-3 hrs later to have a full day with the kids.

Errata

Looks like the mum, the two daughters, a husband and several children all want different things. That situation is going to be almost impossible to reconcile without leaving a trail of winners and losers.

moneyistooshorttomention

True that there won't be any "winners" in this situation.

I feel sorry for all concerned in this. I can sympathise with the sister in this too - as she clearly didn't want to give up her job and may have "put a brave face on it" subsequently and said that she "wanted to". I, however, very much doubt that she did. I am also wondering just how sister is managing for income if she no longer has her job. I am guessing she is getting carers allowance - but that is nothing like as much as even an NMW job would pay her and no pension on it either. In these circumstances, sister is facing having the whole of the rest of her life mucked up for her - even after mother dies. So I would say she is likely paying the highest price of all in enabling mother to do exactly what SHE wants (ie stay in her own home).

Does sister still need to pay rent or mortgage on her own home - and, if so, how is this being covered?

Ames

It sounds like you've all just been lurching from one solution to the next as circumstances change. Have you ever all just sat down to talk about the best way forward, plan for when things get worse (as sadly with dementia it is when not if), and find out what outside help is available? I think the suggestion of a mediator above is a good one.

I've no personal experience of them but have you thought about getting in touch with Carers UK, they might be able to suggest things you haven't thought of, especially around paid and/or respite care.

Brighton_belle

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

True that there won't be any "winners" in this situation.

I feel sorry for all concerned in this. I can sympathise with the sister in this too - as she clearly didn't want to give up her job and may have "put a brave face on it" subsequently and said that she "wanted to".

But she still chose to. For what ever reason she did, in a very difficult situation, it wasn't the only solution and is a drastic step to take.

Dunroamin

securityguy wrote: »

Even if the OP made a deal with her sister (which it appears she didn't), the OP's husband wasn't party to it. The basic problem is that people are enabling the mother's arbitrary choice not to accept care on the terms that it's available: first her husband, then one daughter, then another daughter, are pandering to her rather than taking the solution of paid help (there's plenty of money). There's no reason for her son-in-law to also pander.

A woman living on her own, with sufficient funds to pay for care, refuses to pay for that care. Rather than running around after her and enabling that, her daughters need to be firm. Because things are going to get worse not better, and the real victims of this end up being the OP's children.

You're talking about the OP spending some weekends around the corner from the children, not emigrating!

Dunroamin

Lifeforms wrote: »

I can't offer advice, BUT i did want to quote this, seeing as a few have ragged on the OH for not doing his bit, and obviously hasn't read that the guy is working nights/evenings effectively. Vaccuming, running washing machines, hanging out washing, cooking next days dinner is not appropriate at (presumably) 3-4am when the poor guy comes home after work. To then get up 2-3 hrs later to have a full day with the kids.

If he's coming home in the early hours he presumably goes to bed when he comes in and gets up with the children. Why would he need to be doing washing /cleaning etc at the weekend, just when it's the most inconvenient?