Problems agreeing on care for elderly mother

moneyistooshorttomention

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But she still chose to. For what ever reason she did, in a very difficult situation, it wasn't the only solution and is a drastic step to take.

I would say its simply not possible to tell how "voluntarily" or otherwise sister gave up her job from here.

She may have had an awful lot of guilt-tripping put on her - by mother and/or others. She may have been trying and failing to handle both job and mother and found her employer becoming steadily more and more upset about her not paying full attention to her job.

We simply don't know.

What we do know I would say is sister is losing one heck of a lot of income and will have distinct problems replacing her job when mother dies or goes into a home.

katsclaws

What a difficult situation. Please have a look at the Alzheimer's Forum. It's called Talking Point and is for all types of dementia. You will get lots of support there. Sorry can't do links
Does your mum get Attendance Allowance and does your sister get Carer's Allowance ?. I wonder if there would be any money from these allowances to pay for someone to do your ironing or some cleaning at your house. I can imagine how hard it is with the unsociable hours your husband works. Coping with dementia even in the early stages can be very difficult.
This is only my opinion but your own family's needs should come first.

moneyistooshorttomention

All round - it would appear that some "outside" mediator-type help is needed.

The mother must put her family first. The sister has equal right to put her income and living in her own home first. Both have equally valid claims to "getting on with their own life" and it would be cause for "sh*t to hit the fan" bigtime if the sister who is a mother takes any disability allowance to help her life personally, unless the other sister could also take an equal amount of this income to help HER life (but its rather an academic question anyway - as the sister would need to take every penny of this income to cover her lost salary and would still lose income anyway - so there certainly wont be any available for the married sister to take towards her housework anyway).

Brighton_belle

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I would say its simply not possible to tell how "voluntarily" or otherwise sister gave up her job from here.

Good points.
I think I was thinking more in the context of her apparently taking it out on her sister, who says she played no part in her unexpected decision.

Dunroamin

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

All round - it would appear that some "outside" mediator-type help is needed.

The mother must put her family first. The sister has equal right to put her income and living in her own home first. Both have equally valid claims to "getting on with their own life".

If by "the mother" you mean the OP, can I just point out that her own mother is just as much part of her family as her children are. I'm afraid I dislike this attitude intensely.:(

moneyistooshorttomention

Well - as another poster has already said - there simply won't be any winners in this - apart, possibly, from "elderly mother" who gets everyone running round facilitating her staying in her own home for as long as possible.

Elderly mother DOES have the money to cover paying for help and the ball really does lie in her court to do so and show a bit of caring for her family.

Brighton_belle

Dunroamin wrote: »

If by "the mother" you mean the OP, can I just point out that her own mother is just as much part of her family as her children are. I'm afraid I dislike this attitude intensely.:(

Agreed, they are all family, but the small children have little choice in what happens them compared to the Op's mother who is choosing to make a drudge of her other daughter by refusing any paid help. Nobody loves having strangers in their home, and old age can be very difficult when health fails and it must be hard to make these choices, but it is selfish to expect others to totally give up their own lives, even if adult children are very willing to do a lot.

Dunroamin

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Well - as another poster has already said - there simply won't be any winners in this - apart, possibly, from "elderly mother" who gets everyone running round facilitating her staying in her own home for as long as possible.

Well, being realistic, you could argue that both the OP and her sister will be better off eventually if their mother doesn't go into a home because they will have larger inheritances.

SuzieSue

Dunroamin wrote: »

Well, being realistic, you could argue that both the OP and her sister will be better off eventually if their mother doesn't go into a home because they will have larger inheritances.

No amount of inheritance is worth the stress the OP is going through at the moment. I know because I've been there. I would advise the OP to put herself and her children first. Her mother should not expect the OP to give up her life for what could be several years.

SuzieSue

And the OP needs to be careful that she doesn't become ill with all the stress. It is hard enough working full time and looking after four young children without having to spend every other weekend away from them. She needs to put a stop to it now. If it means that she falls out with her sister, then so be it.