Problems agreeing on care for elderly mother

moneyistooshorttomention

securityguy wrote: »

The OP's original plan involved paid care, by implication quite a lot of it. The sister at that point enabled the mother's distaste for this, and gave up her job. It strikes me that the OP's original plan was perfectly sound, and the sister, having made her bed, is finding it's not as comfortable as she thought. The claim that "she chose to give up her job, but that is something that is giving your Mum a good quality of life now" may or may not be the case: it's possible that the sister, at her wits' end, is doing a substantially worse job than paid carers would, we don't know. It sounds like the sister (who, not having children, perhaps had a somewhat naive view of what caring for people who are completely dependent involves) thought that it would all be great, but reality is now biting.

"Ask your OH to step up and support you too. Nobody chooses to have ageing and unwell parents and he should be helping you out as much as he can."

Perhaps. He may, of course, have already said "let's just pay someone". He may have elderly parents of his own, or just have finished dealing with them, or be about to, or any number of other issues. Someone who works nights is in a very bad position to help, anyway.

Volunteering to be primary carer for someone with dementia is a massive step, but one which gives you the moral high ground. That doesn't mean that everyone else has to fall over themselves to join in. The situation needs paid carers, because if (for example) the sister falls ill there is a sudden, massive problem that no amount of good intentions can fix. The current situation is not sustainable. That needs to be fixed.

This :T

...and I would agree that someone who has never had/maybe never wanted children might well have a somewhat idealistic view of just how much would be involved in being a carer to someone and take it on thinking it would amount to manageable and then subsequently find that it was very far from and be busily regretting that they had ever done so...

From what I can see - there does seem to be quite a high attrition rate amongst carers (ie they end up suffering themselves - with illness and the like) and commonsense would suggest that someone who was such an unwilling carer in the first place as the sister would be a good deal more likely to come down with some sort of illness or other as a result of being in this position (the physical "wear and tear" combined with the level of resentment at having been manoeuvred into this position = very high chance of resultant illness if just of a "depressive" nature, rather than a "physical" nature) and then the sh*t would hit the fan bigtime....

Put a reluctant carer into a "have to or else" situation and, at the very least, they may well end up physically throwing their hands up in the air and literally "running away" and not reappearing for at least a week to try and force the situation to "resolve itself" one way or another. I say this because I can see a similar situation looming on my horizon and I took off and "ran" away and am planning on "running away" permanently (not because I don't care - as I do - but because I am all too well aware of what being a carer seems to involve for many people.....ie the ruined life and health and if you don't get on with the caree in the first place then......)

valk_scot

I am wondering if it's worth paying someone to do the housework and laundry etc at the OP's house, to free up some extra time for her to be with her mother? It does sound as if the elderly mum has enough money to pay for a lot of extra help except the she doesn't want this. So if some of that money could go pay for help at the daughter's end? Or is this just a silly suggestion?

securityguy

Dunroamin wrote: »

As it happens, I have (although not for many years).

If he comes in at, say, 0200 and gets up at 0700, that's 5 hours' sleep; many people manage on that all the time, not just for 2 days a fortnight, which is all he would need to do.

Why should he? There's enough money in the situation to pay for care. The only reason that paid care isn't being used is because his sister-in-law is enabling his mother-in-law's distaste for paid help and now finds she can't manage it. I wouldn't lose any sleep (literally or figuratively) if my in-laws were behaving like that. There's an easy solution: paid help. There's plenty of money to pay for it. If assorted in-laws want to reject paid help, then that's their problem.

Goldiegirl

This is a really difficult situation.

The sister took on the care voluntarily. I suspect she didn't realise how arduous it would be, and it will get worse. There'll come a point where the mum will be too much to manage at home, and care will become a necessity. The sister is probably stressed out, which is making her very difficult to deal with. The sister is also probably worried about her future when the mother does go into a home - will the house have to be sold to cover care costs and where will the sister live.

It's not unreasonable for the sister to want respite, but it is unreasonable for the sister to insist that the OP does the respite care, when there are other options available.

My only suggestion is for compromise and discussion. Maybe, as a start, the OP can do the respite every other weekend, and paid carers can come in for the other weekend.

This would give the OP at least some family time.

But the op's husband really needs to step up and give more support when the OP is looking after the mum. He needs to run the house for those weekends - he needs to accept his responsibilities in this area. We are all tired a lot of the time, but we cope with what life throws at us, he needs to play his part too

SuzieSue

Dunroamin wrote: »

Looking after her mother for some weekends, when there's a husband at home, is hardly expecting her to put her own life on hold for several years.

If you would be happy to do that, then fine. I certainly wouldn't and the OP can't cope any more and nor should she be expected to just because other people like you can. We all have our limitations and if the OP can't cope with looking after her mother then she shouldn't.

The OP didn't ask to be born and so she shouldn't have to look after her mother if she has other responsibilities. The OP decided to have children and so should look after them, but I am sure she will not expect them to look after her when she is old as they need to be able to live their own lives.

We all need to take responsibility for ourselves once we are adults and not expect other people to do it for us if they can't or won't.

Dunroamin

SuzieSue wrote: »

If you would be happy to do that, then fine. I certainly wouldn't and the OP can't cope any more and nor should she be expected to just because other people like you can. We all have our limitations and if the OP can't cope with looking after her mother then she shouldn't.

The OP didn't ask to be born and so she shouldn't have to look after her mother if she has other responsibilities. The OP decided to have children and so should look after them, but I am sure she will not expect them to look after her when she is old as they need to be able to live their own lives.

We all need to take responsibility for ourselves once we are adults and not expect other people to do it for us if they can't or won't.

So sad that we live in such a throwaway society that people can not only treat their own parents like this but expect their own children to do so in their turn. I do wonder where we took such a wrong turning regarding our attitudes towards the family

Dunroamin

Goldiegirl wrote: »

This is a really difficult situation.

The sister took on the care voluntarily. I suspect she didn't realise how arduous it would be, and it will get worse. There'll come a point where the mum will be too much to manage at home, and care will become a necessity. The sister is probably stressed out, which is making her very difficult to deal with. The sister is also probably worried about her future when the mother does go into a home - will the house have to be sold to cover care costs and where will the sister live.

It's not unreasonable for the sister to want respite, but it is unreasonable for the sister to insist that the OP does the respite care, when there are other options available.

My only suggestion is for compromise and discussion. Maybe, as a start, the OP can do the respite every other weekend, and paid carers can come in for the other weekend.

This would give the OP at least some family time.

But the op's husband really needs to step up and give more support when the OP is looking after the mum. He needs to run the house for those weekends - he needs to accept his responsibilities in this area. We are all tired a lot of the time, but we cope with what life throws at us, he needs to play his part too

The OP's sister is only asking the OP to do every other weekend as it is.

paulineb_2

SuzieSue wrote: »

If you would be happy to do that, then fine. I certainly wouldn't and the OP can't cope any more and nor should she be expected to just because other people like you can. We all have our limitations and if the OP can't cope with looking after her mother then she shouldn't.

The OP didn't ask to be born and so she shouldn't have to look after her mother if she has other responsibilities. The OP decided to have children and so should look after them, but I am sure she will not expect them to look after her when she is old as they need to be able to live their own lives.

We all need to take responsibility for ourselves once we are adults and not expect other people to do it for us if they can't or won't.

Actually, some people cant take responsibility for themselves when they get older, ill health can get in the way. My gran was housebound for the last couple of years of her life, she had a couple of minor falls and ended up in hospital, she was able to come out and had her flat adapted with some occupational therapy aids. She got attendance allowance but she didnt want outside help in and my mum was quite happy with that. She did a lot for my gran, it was appreciated, she did her shopping for her, she saw her most days, my brother and I visited her as well.

My gran had lost all her family young, husband, brothers, son. We were all she had left. She was very independent. And she lived out her days in her flat, she died just over 2 years ago last Christmas, of a massive stroke and even though she was 86, it was still a massive shock.

My mum still works full time and she didnt give her job up, my gran didnt need personal care, she just needed someone to get the shopping in, help with paying her bills.

And, at one point if the decision had to be made to put her into full time care, we would have had to make that, but it wouldnt have been easy.

It must be incredibly hard on the OP, but the issues seem to be the demands of her sister and her husbands not being able to cope, she's being pulled in all directions.

Perhaps the sister is going to have to be told, that something is going to have to give and there have to be compromises worked out to allow the mum to remain in her own home.

Its not always as cut and dried as walking away from someone you love if you love them, regardless of other family committments. And really, if the mum is possibly nearing the end of her life (and I hope thats not the case), do people really want to spend the years she has left arguing about what care shes going to be provided and who provides it.

Ive not read the thread for a couple of pages and cant recall if social services are involved, but perhaps you need to get to an outside agency and ask them what help they can give you and any support groups for people who have dementia. I used to volunteer with alzheimers scotland and there will be other groups in the uk that provide day care services and possibly respite, plus support for families, which it sounds like you desperately need.

Mojisola

SuzieSue wrote: »

If you would be happy to do that, then fine. I certainly wouldn't and the OP can't cope any more and nor should she be expected to just because other people like you can. We all have our limitations and if the OP can't cope with looking after her mother then she shouldn't.

The OP didn't ask to be born and so she shouldn't have to look after her mother if she has other responsibilities. The OP decided to have children and so should look after them, but I am sure she will not expect them to look after her when she is old as they need to be able to live their own lives.

We all need to take responsibility for ourselves once we are adults and not expect other people to do it for us if they can't or won't.

Dunroamin wrote: »

So sad that we live in such a throwaway society that people can not only treat their own parents like this but expect their own children to do so in their turn. I do wonder where we took such a wrong turning regarding our attitudes towards the family

Who is more in need - the mother who has enough money to pay for carers or the children whose parents are already working long hours?

I have done the caring role - although I wasn't pressurised into it - and I'm determined that my children won't have to do the same for me. If/when I need care, I hope I won't be selfish enough to make my children feel they should be doing things for me if they are already stretched coping with their own families.

I've done the best I could for my parents but it's made my health problems worse. It would be a disaster for oicu812 and her family if she ended up ill.

securityguy

Dunroamin wrote: »

The OP's sister is only asking the OP to do every other weekend as it is.

No, they're implicitly asking the OP to be on permanent standby. So what happens if the OP's sister gets flu, or falls over and breaks their arm? What happens if the OP's sister wants a week's holiday? What happens if the OP's sister suddenly finds she can't cope? With no fallback plan, the OP has to immediately drop everything. And given there was (it would appear) no mention of the OP's sister wanting respite care at this frequency, how long before it become very weekend, and occasional or not so occasional weekday nights?

The OP is wise to put their foot down now, rather than start down the slippery slope. There is money for paid care. That money would solve this whole problem.