Child maintenance/payments to wife

snoozy

cazziebo wrote: »

But you said she was earning less than him- why should she pay?

I apologise if I've picked this up wrongly but hardly a week goes by on this board without some resentful new partner coming on to whine about how much her boyfriend pays for his family. We get one side of the story about how the mother wrings her ex dry and new partner is "just trying to be fair". A few posts later we get to hear that the children are sent out barefoot in rags while the mother frequents night clubs with a new pair of shoes every week...obviously squirrelling the maintenance way for herself!

Children are a commitment for life. This is for your boyfriend to resolve with the mother of his daughter. It's not your argument.

Besides as you are a two income household then your partner must be better off now than when he was single? (presuming he left his wife before starting a new relationship)

I was just joking about him putting in a claim.

Fair enough if you see posts like that all the time, but if you actually pick out the facts from what I've said that's not what I'm saying. I have nothing against my OH's ex and in fact we all get on well. I can't deny though that I am jealous of her lifestyle (I'm not saying that's from the maintenance payments, I know the money for holdidays/treats etc comes from her parents which is perfectly fair enough for them to choose how they wish to spend their money). I think it makes sense in a MSE way to be questioning whether all outgoings are necessary when you are in debt.

I'm not trying to make this my argument, I'm simply trying to establish the facts and give him the help he has asked me for.

Although we stay together every night, we actually still have two flats. We stay at his flat when he has his daughter and my flat when he doesn't. He rents while mine is in negative equity and I've been trying to sell it for about 2 years now. So the two incomes are still paying for two households. It's not an option for him to give up his rented flat and live with me as my flat is too far away from his daughter's school. So I wouldn't say he's any better off now than when he was single except that I can help with emergencies when he has a bad month workwise.

moneysaymoneydo

The problem here is unfortunately the ex is happy plodding along in an "unofficial agreement" and then they meet a new partner (ie yourself) which sorry sticks her oar in and then suddenly its "Your paying too much", "I want kids and they will suffer" etc etc and the pendulum swings on the other hand yes £400 a month is a lot if he takes his Daughter for half the time but i would handle this with kid gloves as i bet you if he stops the money the ex will stop the 50/50 custody and he will have court costs, hassle and it will put pressure on your relationship.

I always do feel sorry for a single female who gets involved with a bloke with kid/kids to ex i mean surely you can see any future family will suffer, but you reap what you sow i guess and as someone already said the Daughter came before you so she is now used to £400 a month what gives you now the right to decide she is to do without it!

snoozy

Thanks. I know it's a difficult situation for everyone involved and none of us want the wee girl to suffer. I know the sooner we can get all this agreed legally, the better and at least we will all know how we stand. If the payments will continue as they are then so be it, and we will need to just work around it.

clearingout

snoozy wrote: »

Wilma33, thanks for pointing out the specific CSA board, I hadn't noticed that.

So it seems that in a situation where parents have 50/50 care, then whichever one claims the child benefit can also ask for an additional payment from the other - that doesn't seem to have been very sensibly worked out! As Wilma33 alluded to, maybe my OH should be putting in a claim for child benefit and then he would be entitled to a payment from his ex as well..... :huh:

that's how the CSA work it out. Rightly or wrongly. I think you will find that for the majority of resident parents, their working capacities are restricted/have been restricted as a direct result of having children and of being the main carer. In my case, my ex earns (and continues to earn) approximately 6 times what I was earning part-time and about 3 times what I earn full-time. On a 50/50 basis, him having to pay maintenance would go somewhere to evening up the 'lifestyle' of the child in each household. I supported my now ex husband for years to the detriment of my own career development, we both wanted a family, my earning power was less so it made sense to put my side of things on hold whilst the children were young. I think you will find this is a pretty usual situation and things are rarely even in terms of care and salaries earned.

Your posts are particularly unpleasant and ignore key issues in managing post-separation relationships and children. If the current arrangement works, leave it. It isn't hurting you, it was arranged between the parents and there is clearly a decent pattern of care which is working for all concerned. Play with that at your peril - it is likely you will regret it.

clearingout

kezzygirl wrote: »

IMO the mother should not have the brass neck to be accepting maintenance payments if the daughter only lives with her half the time!!

don't forget the mother will also get tax credits,child benefit,housing benefit if applicable regardless of whether she is working part time or not.

yes, possibly, maybe. Not every 'single mum' gets every benefit going. It is perfectly possibly to earn a small fortune working only part-time. Much will depend on what she does for a living.

snoozy

clearingout wrote: »

that's how the CSA work it out. Rightly or wrongly. I think you will find that for the majority of resident parents, their working capacities are restricted/have been restricted as a direct result of having children and of being the main carer. In my case, my ex earns (and continues to earn) approximately 6 times what I was earning part-time and about 3 times what I earn full-time. On a 50/50 basis, him having to pay maintenance would go somewhere to evening up the 'lifestyle' of the child in each household. I supported my now ex husband for years to the detriment of my own career development, we both wanted a family, my earning power was less so it made sense to put my side of things on hold whilst the children were young. I think you will find this is a pretty usual situation and things are rarely even in terms of care and salaries earned.

Your posts are particularly unpleasant and ignore key issues in managing post-separation relationships and children. If the current arrangement works, leave it. It isn't hurting you, it was arranged between the parents and there is clearly a decent pattern of care which is working for all concerned. Play with that at your peril - it is likely you will regret it.

You're completely missing the point that there is no 'main carer'. I'm sorry about your situation but that has nothing to do with my OH's situation.

I don't think I've said anything unpleasant at all, but have had plenty of unpleasant things hurtled at me. The point is, the current arrangement is not working, my OH is getting further and further into debt. I am not trying to make any changes to the 'pattern of care' involved, simply to ensure that the financial situation is fair. It's amazing how many much vitriol there is on here simply because a father wants to ensure he is doing the right thing by his daughter but not be taken advantage of at the same time.

clearingout

no, you miss the point.

good luck. you're going to need it.

duchy

snoozy wrote: »

You're completely missing the point that there is no 'main carer'. I'm sorry about your situation but that has nothing to do with my OH's situation.

I don't think I've said anything unpleasant at all, but have had plenty of unpleasant things hurtled at me. The point is, the current arrangement is not working, my OH is getting further and further into debt. I am not trying to make any changes to the 'pattern of care' involved, simply to ensure that the financial situation is fair. It's amazing how many much vitriol there is on here simply because a father wants to ensure he is doing the right thing by his daughter but not be taken advantage of at the same time.

No You've missed the point that legally the parent who claims the child benefit IS the main carer -the fact the child may spend almost an equal amount of time at her Father's home, from the point of view of the CSA, matters not a jot. Whether YOU think that is fair or otherwise-doesn't matter -that's the way the law is currently written and enforced.

If your OH is getting into debt instead of penalizing his child why don't you help him instead of keeping finances seperate ? Then once sorted perhaps you could afford those holidays you appear so desperate for.

I do think it is likely that if a formal CSA case is opened or if the child's father wants to pay a lower amount based on CSA calculations the mother might decide the child can't spend as many nights at your home - If you are the one pushing to change things then it is likely the Dad will blame you for losing time with his daughter -Is your relationship secure enough to withstand that ? Many aren't - a child will often be prioritised above a girlfriend.

Only you know what the difference in support will be as you have by now no doubt calculated the figures on the CSA calculator .

With a divorce in the offing - peeing off the mother by changing things and reducing her household income is perhaps not the wisest of moves either -you could end up with an expensive legal battle on your hands instead of an amicable divorce costing little more than court fees.

You need to take a more pragmatic view and stop whining about what is or isn't fair and look at the big picture.

trevorsminted

You are missing the point that a new partner comes along (yourself) then suddenly the goal posts get moved, rightly or wrongly, his daughter and the ex and him (regardless of debt) have managed so far until now but out of the woodwork you want to check his bills sort them out and oh he is paying too much. The marjority actually do agree he is paying way to much for 50/50 custody but it is simply HIS business and HIM to sort out. I appreciate you are seeing a future and possibly kids with him which will obviously have £400 less if he pays for this child but you knew from the start the situation. Im pretty sure you will move mountains, stir up a hornets nest and eventually he will stop payment but think seriously as to the daughter involved it must but hard being in this situation i would not even contemplate if female involving myself with a female with previous sproglets!

trevorsminted

If female a male with sproglets would sound better but each to their own these days