How do I get myself into these situations?

SunshineButterfly

My husband was controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive... I got the courage to walk away from the marriage with 2 children.

Have had relationships since and any that I were not happy with I ended.

Yet around 6 months ago I met a guy through a mutual friend. We became friends. He wanted more and unfortunately we slept together a few times. He then became clingy and needy so I had a chat with him and we agreed on strictly friends only to stop any hurt or any confusement.

I would see him a few times in the week as he ended up as a gym buddy. But then he would text me every single day asking what I was doing, did I want to do such and such etc etc.
He then started off loading problems on to me and expecting me to pick up the pieces.

It got to a point where everytime I saw him he had such and such going on and would ask for a hug saying he "needed" it because of his problems. I started to feel uncomfortable with this but he would sort of force a hug onto me if that makes sense?

Anyway, I met a guy about 2 weeks ago and went on a first date and since then my "friend" has gotten much much worse. He started asking me to text every half an hour on my dates so he knew I was ok (acted all concerning and worried for my safety), but then it got to the point where he was constantly texting me and if I did not reply he would threaten to come to the house.

If I ever didnt reply to him texts when I woke in the morning he would turn up. And if I ever fell out with him he would threaten to take an OD and say he needed me I was the only friend he would talk to etc etc.

Anyway after having 4 dates with my dream man my so called friend then starts trying to hold my hand in public, keeps trying to grab me and hug me etc. I tell him over and over to please not do this as I do not feel comfortable and explain that friendly hugs were ok before, but now that I am officially dating I felt more uncomfortable as I did not want to disrespect the fella I am seeing.

Annyywwaaayyyy... he turns up to my house shouting and balling. Chucks anything of mine he has at me and says fine well if you want to f up this relationship do it its your chose. To which I asked him to kindly leave and give me space (I have a lot of my own personal stuff going on without needing this to add to it).
So he screams at me that he is going and I will never see him again (he has threatened this many many times in the past).

Half an hour later (I assumed he had gone home) I leave my house to go out and see he is parked outside in his car and has been sat there for the entire time. He gets out and says sorry and trys to hug me, to which I push him out of the way and ask him to leave me alone.
He then blocks my path several times whilst shouting asking me to speak to him going on saying I have hurt him etc etc etc.

I finally managed to push past him and walk a way and have since had about 8 essay type whingy needy texts from him.

I guess this is more of a rant, but I am now worried hes going to start turning up at the house, constantly texting and phoning me. And its sort of a routine of his to then when he doesnt get a reply tell me he is going to kill himself and that it is all my fault etc etc etc because I wont help him and that hes crying out for help (yet wont take my help anyway or see a gp).

I guess this time I dont want to give in to him and feel controlled all over again. He does this every week! And each time I give in and he promises to stop being an a-hole... then a few days later hes in a mood because I went to the shop without telling him or I have taken an hour out of my day to see a friend other than him.

I am also worried that when he threatens to harm himself that one day he may do it? And then it will all be my fault.

Am I better to just cut all ties and completely ignore? And if he starts turning up how do I deal with that?

I know I cannot talk to him and try to repair the friendship... I have been trying to talk to him about it for weeks and I just get the self pity moaning and he seems unable to see anyone elses view.

I dont want to hurt him and I usually put everyone first before myself. But suddenly I feel like I am becoming not myself to please him for an easy life and I want to stay ME.

Anyway I am sorry for the garbled rant. I feel so much better now its off my chest..

mwa

I think you need to accept that he is clearly I love with you and you need to cut all ties- there is no point trying to reman friends with him as he is not going to let go lightly! If he continues I would suggest contacting the police, this is harassment and they will be very happy to warn him off as a first measure.

heretolearn_2

stop engaging the crazy.

Cut all contact. One final text to him to tell him that you will no longer accept any calls/texts or contact with him and that he is not your friend or anything else. Then if he continues to harrass you by contacting you at all, even once, (and that is exactly what it is) contact the police. They are usually really good on stalking/harassment and a word with him is quite often all it takes for the message to sink home.

He's gone a bit bonkers. He imagines he can force you into a relationship with him. He is not interested in being your friend, he has issues, so stop trying to be his friend, and making your life miserable and possibly dangerous.

you are in no way responsible for how he feels or acts. Ignore his stupid threats about OD. 99.9999999999999999% sure he won't, it's a form of control/blackmail, that's all. If he did, it's nothing to do with you and not your fault.

heretolearn_2

stop engaging the crazy.

Cut all contact. One final text to him to tell him that you will no longer accept any calls/texts or contact with him and that he is not your friend or anything else. Then if he continues to harrass you by contacting you at all, even once, (and that is exactly what it is) contact the police. They are usually really good on stalking/harassment and a word with him is quite often all it takes for the message to sink home.

He's gone a bit bonkers. He imagines he can force you into a relationship with him. He is not interested in being your friend, he has issues, so stop trying to be his friend, and making your life miserable and possibly dangerous.

you are in no way responsible for how he feels or acts. Ignore his stupid threats about OD. 99.9999999999999999% sure he won't, it's a form of control/blackmail, that's all. If he did, it's nothing to do with you and not your fault.

You haven't hurt him. He's hurt himself.

CH27

Text him & tell him you want no more contact with him at all & if he doesn't abide by your wishes you will get an injunction.
Keep all texts.

spiritsfree

The man is obviously a fruit cake.......and what he does is his responsibility...get the hell away from him !!!

Errata

oops - you now have your very own stalker. Seek advice from the police.
If he tops himself it won't be your fault, nobody is so powerful they can make someone else kill themselves.

SunshineButterfly

Thank you all for your comments. I am going to woman-up (which I guess is the same as manning up lol). I need to stop being such a soft a rse.
My kids come first and then me... not my kids and then the rest of the world.

I will ignore him for now and see if he leaves it be, if he keeps contacting me I will mention police.

Although I am very reluctant to involve them until my custody battle is over (which is in a few weeks).

unschooler

He's not in love with you, he's not your friend and his behaviour is not your fault. You are being abused. Get help from the police.

valk_scot

Police, he's a stalker. And he knows where you live. What's next...he starts talking to your kids? Get some advice asap, the police will most interested.

Pechow

If he tells you he's going to kill himself, call 999. Even if you don't believe he will (it does sound purely like emotional blackmail and manipulation). If he was serious, great, you did what you could and he'll get help. If not? He'll have to deal with the consequences of his actions, there will be a record of his threats/instability, and who knows-maybe he will end up getting help, wanted or not, as a result.