Back and Feeling rather ashamed!

pania

I think you can get there if you lay it on hon! tell them you'll charge them interest to! that should get em shifting!!

skintscotslass

redsquirrel, my eejit council messed up when I changed bank accounts. Despite my clear instructions, they took the money out of the wrong account, making me go overdrawn and incurring charges. The prat at the end of the phone had the cheek to tell me that it was the public purse and they couldnt go handing money out to people. Oh really? A fax letter threatening them with my local councillor had the money (bank charges) in my account very soon. Good luck xx

redsquirrel80

Evening P, how's it all going?

Well, it's slightly embarrassing over the council tax thing, turns out that haven't taken more than they should have, although they did start taking payments out a month later than they were meant to, which is why I thought it was meant to be finished this month - damn! Means my budget is a bit out and my debt total may be wrong as well, I'll need to check the spreadsheets tomorrow. Pah. Anyway, I've got a whole £13 on the way from various surveys etc and am making £11 so far on eBay so it's not all bad. Hope things are going well for you this week! xx

pania

hiya.

Well, what to say? not posted in an age as really not known what the hell to write. Still don't really, so not sure why i have.
All the time i hide under the persona of the happy cheerful chappess and underneath i'm not.
I'm really not sure right now whether this is all worth it or whether i should let life be the craphole that it is and just give in to it.
I'm at work right now, staying in a hotel after a days awful training. I'm meant to be file checked 100% as apparently i'm at high risk of ripping my clients off due to the debt i have. Like how do they work that one out i'm a !!!!!!! ex cop for god sake. so how the hell has it made it 31/2 months of advising before my supposed boss works out that somethings haven'/t been done right?
and do you know what my boss aid to me today "i'd have thought that someone in their first 6 months in a job would've gone out of their way to make a good first impression not a crap one, you know what if it was me i would've qorked all hours to make a good impression, not a bad one like you've mad." to say i lost the plot is an understatement, how the !!!! is the companies lack of training been laid back on me when to be honest i've been dumped on my !!!! with no supervision miles away from the office and left to sink or swim!!! I have worked my backside off for these !!!!!!s for so long now, to the point that my relationship is on the brink of snapping, i've a complete cow most of the time and in tears the rest.
I've been undergoing tests for breast cancer as i found a lump (it's not luckily) thyroid testing and hormonald eficiencies. My hair is slowly but steadily seperating itself from my head and i have put lots of weight on. And do you know what it's been put down to , mainly being stress related, well blow me down with a feather i wonder why that has happened!!!!!
my useless bloody sperm donor of a father can't even remember my bloody name and i'm meant to feel like a good person for that. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt that just isn't changing no matter how bloody hard i work and i really really don't think life is worth it right now. My sister and mother have pressured me so much not to do what i need to do which is the reason i have given in adn i just feel like i'm a puppet on a string, just want to !!!!!! off to some far and distant land and be living MY life not the one other people expect me to lead, this is MY bloody life for christs sake so why can't every one just !!!!!! off and leave me alone.
I have spent most of today blubbing at work which is bloody embarrassing to start with and i am completely totally and utterly sick and tired of it all. I have atleast 2 more hours of work to do before i can sleep, I have conjunctivis as my eyes are so sore from being awake 99% of the time and i just want to shout curse scream and punch until all this rage and frustration is out of me, Until know i have felt numb and not even been able to cry but now it's coming out and i am so so bloody angry i can feel all my anger welling up inside me, coming out of all those little hurts that have been inflicted on me over the last few years, loosing my career that i loved, loosing the house that i loved, loosing the person that i loved, working for a crap company that don't give a hoot about me more about how much money i can grab for the company and they have the audacity to tell me it's my fault!!!!!!!!!! for some reason my fingers are just typing now and it is all coming out. I apologise for the language, i apologise for the non debt realted nature of it but this had to come out somewhere and i guess here is it. It's all just !!!! and i want out. period, end of.

Ches

Lovie please don't cry anymore. I know we don't 'know' each other but I have read lots of your posts on this forum and I can tell from them how hard your life is at the moment. As we seem to be the only ones up at the moment I did'nt want to read and run so make a cuppa take a deep breath and try to relax, difficult though it may be. Your first priority is your health so get back to the doctors as soon as you can. It will be easier to cope with the rest once you are feeling OK. And don't fret about the boss. Just proves she is in the wrong job as obviously no people skills at all.

pania

thankyou ches, it just all feels like **** at the moment and i just feel so much rage inside me, I am usually such a placid person that it is taking me by suprise. I have so much work to do due to their !!!! up that it is burying me and have been left to my own devices so much.
I feel rubbish about the dad situation, I now know what town he works in, what area he lives in and i so so want to write, just for those answers, but upsetting the apple cart with my family would just make things worse.
Thanks for listening hon, think it just had to come out. Was in the shower this morning adn had hair wrapped all around my fingers. i'm scared.
if i can figure out this hotel room kettle i might just have that cuppa. xxx

Karmacat

Hi pania, I'm up, have just found your post. The absolute pain in it is so strong. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Can you take a bit of a break for 20 mins or so, when you've been crying like that, you're exhausted by now, for a start. And when you're so upset, your hormones are going to be all over the place too, even when it helps to cry in the long run (as it does, it really does).

I remember how I felt when I had the possibility of breast cancer. Sometimes disbelief, sometimes utter terror at the thought of dying, and sometimes just plain worry about the whole *process* of having cancer, and all the treatments it involved. I didn't have it, and neither do you now, you've found out. Thats a new lease of life - and you know what, you don't need to pretend to be happy and bouncy, not on here, *especially* not on here. There are things that can't be brushed away with a smile, even tho we can smile again after they happen. It takes time, and it takes being able to grieve.

I was worried last week or so when you ignored your dad cos of what your mum and sister wanted, and its really sounding now like that was the last thing you wanted to do.

It sounds like the strain of pleasing everyone else, and not being valued, is really, really getting to you. You are valued on here, but what ultimately matters is that you value yourself.

I hope you can get some sleep soon. Take care of yourself as much as you can.

xx

pania

Karmacat wrote: »

The absolute pain in it is so strong. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.

Thats a new lease of life - and you know what, you don't need to pretend to be happy and bouncy, not on here, *especially* not on here. There are things that can't be brushed away with a smile, even tho we can smile again after they happen. It takes time, and it takes being able to grieve.


You are valued on here, but what ultimately matters is that you value yourself.

xx

hi karma,

I;m not used to feeling like this. I don't quite know where all this is coming from, usually i just take it, brush it off and carry on, but it just feels like a massive crack has appeared and the pain and anger and frustration is just oozing out of me right now. I'm living my life for everyone else right now, i can't even think of one thing i am doing for myself and i am living a lie, thats how it feels.

i'm grieving for so many things karma, i'm grieving for my dad, i'm grieveing for my health, i'm grieveing for my life to tell you the truth. I really don't value myself right now i'm just everyone elses doormat. I never dress up pretty anymore, i dn't take care of myself and working from home i hardly even bother to change out of joggers and sweat top. This isn't me and isn't how i used to be.

redsquirrel80

Oh bless you, P, have a huge hug xx As the others have said, take some time for yourself.. cry if you need to, punch the pillows.. it's horrible when things all build up like that and then suddenly come out, but you obviously need to let go of all the stress. And remember we're always here when you need to rant.

Oh yes, and your boss sounds like a complete t**t - one of those who makes themselves feel better by putting others down :mad:

Take care hon,
xxxx

pania

thankyou hon. xx