How to let go of mothering grown kids?

3v3

dandy-candy wrote: »

I'm having a bit of an inner battle with letting my baby (soon to be 21!) be responsible for himself. He is at uni but has been home for the last 2 weeks for Easter hols. The problem is he really doesn't take care of himself and part of me wants to get involved and keep being his mummy!
He has asthma and eczema so I always worry about him, but I've noticed that he really eats so little - just one meal a day. He is always partying and boozing pretty much nightly which I suppose is expected, but he puts having money for booze above food. He tells me sometimes all he eats is noodles and crisps. He's painfully thin (always has been) - about 5ft 7 tall but 7 stone in weight, but at least at home I was making sure he was fed. Now I've noticed he doesn't even feel hungry until about 5pm.
I said to him the other night that it was important to eat probably and I literally only got that far and he snapped back "Yes alright! I know!" Do I try to keep bringing it up and hopeful get through to him, or do I let it go? I know he's a grown up now, but I find it hard to let go when he's not taking care of himself. I do worry about him when he goes back.

Leave him be.

If he gets hungry after 5pm, that's fine; that is when he'll eat.

I feel sure that when he was growing up you gave him nutritionally balanced meals and that would have formed the healthy building blocks he needs. So, if he's sometimes living on noodles and crisps for a time, it's not a biggy. While he's home, yes, by all means give him good meals ... after 5pm

Now, if you do suspect an eating disorder, keep mental notes but don't bring the subject up at this point - that could make it worse.

If he in his final year? Or, has he only started this academic year?

edeneve

Sorry to say...nothing really you can do now but leave him to make his own choices....and be there if he needs you. When he comes home feed him up and perhaps send him back to uni with some batches of HM food.

My eldest daughter is 20 and to be honest got sidetracked by her first serious BF and made a mess of college by changing courses. I tried to help but nothing I said made any difference. Years on and she's now celebrating her 1 year anniversary with her new BF, who is absolutely lovely, very happy. She managed to get through her hairdressing college course, after leaving a first year of a levels at another college. She hated hairdressing and so many times nearly left, but managed to help get her through sticking it out by asking college for help. She managed to get her haordressing qualification but whilst having PT jobs has been struggling finding FT work....I used to work for Open university so showed her courses and she started afew degree courses, which gave her back some confidence.

Roll on and despite not getting her a levels she is starting uni in september to do pharmaceutical studies ( but a 4 year course including a foundation year). Her brother is also starting his degree too.

I guess what i'm sayng is sometmes we watch them make mistakes and can try help but then we have to let them make their own mistakes and by doing that they learn. My daughter really really appreciates getting the chance now (after thinking she had no chance to go to uni) and I am sure won't mess it up. She thought a job would just open up for her and when it didn't and the next one didn't she saw the cold hard reality of life, she has just got a PT job now....as usual everything comes together at once.

6 mths ago she swore she would never claim JSA, never go and sign on, I gave her time to get a job and then 2 month since lo and behold she claimed JSA after having no money (I wouldn't give her any-tough love-she got a roof over her head and food). I then asked her for £18.60 of her JSA towards rent and CT...the first time she said that I was overcharging her!!!! I took all the housing expenses (not including food) and divided by household members and gave her an invoice for £32 and she could buy her own food. Didn't take her long to realise she had been getting a good deal.

So no advice really except let them make their own mistakes and sometimes show tough love when needed. All the best

DUTR

dandy-candy wrote: »

I'm having a bit of an inner battle with letting my baby (soon to be 21!) be responsible for himself. He is at uni but has been home for the last 2 weeks for Easter hols. The problem is he really doesn't take care of himself and part of me wants to get involved and keep being his mummy!
He has asthma and eczema so I always worry about him, but I've noticed that he really eats so little - just one meal a day. He is always partying and boozing pretty much nightly which I suppose is expected, but he puts having money for booze above food. He tells me sometimes all he eats is noodles and crisps. He's painfully thin (always has been) - about 5ft 7 tall but 7 stone in weight, but at least at home I was making sure he was fed. Now I've noticed he doesn't even feel hungry until about 5pm.
I said to him the other night that it was important to eat probably and I literally only got that far and he snapped back "Yes alright! I know!" Do I try to keep bringing it up and hopeful get through to him, or do I let it go? I know he's a grown up now, but I find it hard to let go when he's not taking care of himself. I do worry about him when he goes back.

liselotte wrote: »

Well my son also 21 is much the same height and weight as yours and also has always been skinny and a picky eater. He just has never seemed to enjoy food. However unusually for a student I guess, he dosen't drink at all. I do worry about his poor appetite but he seems to be healthy and as he is studying overseas at the moment there isn't anything I can do anyway.

It's the 7st that worries me for the height, that puts the BMI at under 18.5 so is underweight

Errata

5'7" and 7 st, plays on a PC until 3 or 4 in the morning, drinking every night and putting booze before food? Sound like something far more serious is going on than 'normal" student behaviour.

mountainofdebt

well Junior went to Uni in September and (ok I hold my hands up, my fault) he wasn't much of a cook and I did worry about how much junk he would eat.

However if his shopping basket is anything like it is when we take him shopping, he's not doing too bad....vegatables and meat and he's now drinking skimmed milk (we drink semi) and has juice as well.

He does drink and he's told me that he doesn't have a credit card (he knows the mess I've got into because of them) so I have to believe him.

He knows he can come to me with any problems ......I've told him I might scream and shout for about 5mins but I'd always be there for him.

Person_one

Errata wrote: »

5'7" and 7 st, plays on a PC until 3 or 4 in the morning, drinking every night and putting booze before food? Sound like something far more serious is going on than 'normal" student behaviour.

If that's the case then practically all the young men I was at uni with had serious stuff going on too! The straight ones, anyway.

Its their first taste of freedom and independence, nobody is telling them to get out of bed at a reasonable hour, eat vegetables or turn off the computer when they've been on it hours. So they just don't. Remember when you were about ten and you'd shout in fury 'when I'm a grown up I'll eat sweets for breakfast every day and never go to bed!' well that's what they're living out.

Its part of the process, in my experience the thing that fixes it the quickest is getting a girlfriend (I'm assuming he isn't gay OP as in my experience the gay male students have usually matured a lot sooner and don't do this in the same way) but even if that doesn't happen this will only be temporary/ Ten years on all the malnourished, weed smoking, heavy boozing, skeletal, sunken eyed xbox addicted men I went to uni with are in responsible proper jobs now, lost of them have wives, mortgages, children. They're fine, he will be too, I promise.

mountainofdebt

Should add Junior doesn't do games until 3 or 4 - he watches films

Person_one

Oh, and I was playing Candy Crush Saga until 2.30am last night and I'm 28! A friend made me download it on Friday and I'm hooked.

Lara44

OP sounds like your son does have a bit of a problem with his weight. Can he cook? Perhaps when he's home you could ask him to help with dinner, and cook something together.

In general though, not cutting the apron strings ends up actively pushing your children away. It is a fine balance and difficult to strike. But who enjoys being nagged even if it is 'for your own good'? Better to be a positive role model and do stuff with your kids instead of telling them what to do.

New_Day

Please don't just 'leave him be'. You're his mother and you must trust your instincts.

My 19 year old daughter had a swelling in her chest whilst at uni which she put down to weight increase due to eating rubbish and drinking too much. Last summer she was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma which is the most common cancer in 18-25 year olds. She is responding well to treatment but I often worry that I should have seen the signs earlier.

I am not saying that your son has anything serious but whatever you think may be wrong you need to talk to him and act if you think it is necessary.

Good luck x