How to let go of mothering grown kids?

Penny-Pincher!!

My DD (18) is off to Uni this year and I'm bricking it! She's my best friend and I love her so much it hurts. Although she's only going to be an hour away, it's going to be horrid her not being here every night and more than anything I'm scared of her safety, but she's been taught self defence and has a lot of common sense.

All we can do is make sure they have the right tool to let them progress with their lives and live it the way they think is best and be there for the hiccups and heartaches.

I am worried also about her eating well and looking after herself, but with me being on MSE since 2005, she has kind of grown up in the OS community and everyone has watched her progress through grammar school, college and now Uni. She is fully capable of looking after herself, saving, bartering etc, but whether this will stay or eventually sink in after the novelty has worn off...who knows!

Have you spoken with him about your concerns and little things that could benefit his health...snacking on dried fruit/nuts etc, keeping hydrated, beans on toast. I think a lot of the time at Uni is just all timed consumed and sometimes too laid back IMO.

DD has started doing a little rota of what she's gonna have at breakfast, lunch and dinner as she'll be on a tight budget and knows if she doesn't eat like she does here, her brain won't work as well and she is adamant she wants a First Class honours, so she will need to do something. She will be coming home fortnightly on a Sunday and will make sure she has a good roast dinner with another to take home with her. We've started a box already for her, sorted her finance out and her accommodation out which we have to guarantor and at £199 a week, she better blooming stick it out:eek::eek::eek: She will be sharing a flat with 3 others and they all have their own ensuite room and share a huge kitchen and lounge area.

I'm sure he'll be okay. Please PM me if I can help at all. I have read a couple of good books about student cooking. She does a great roast dinner and a cooked breakfast;)

PP
xx

tesuhoha

My 23 year old son is the same. He is 6ft and very skinny. He eats only when he is hungry, which is not often. He will shove a pizza in the oven for breakfast and then not eat again that day, or eat something I've cooked and that's his first meal of the day.

I've given up telling him but I put good food in the fridge. He knows where it is.

pigpen

Person_one wrote: »

I might have to go on that diet if he lost 10st between September and Christmas! I'd only need a couple of weeks and I'd be at my fighting weight!

I agree that getting a Tesco delivery sent every couple of weeks is a really good idea. You're making sure the food is there to be eaten without being too involved and getting accused of sticking your nose in.

I tried it.. after 3 days I was fit to eat my children!!!
It was a bit after Christmas though the semesters run Sept to the end of Feb here so I assume it is the same at most uni's? But to half your body weight is astounding and he actually looked awful, he is a very big build. My OH though is 6ft 4 and weighed just over 11 stone until very recently.

It seems with the food shopping they tend to pop in the Tesco express and grab anything quick and easy and cheap with no regard for nutrition. Most of the time they would be better off buying a few bags of fruit and living off those.. it has to be better than constant cereal and sandwiches.

DUTR.. my son is 5ft 8 and weighs 9 stone and wears 26-28in trousers.. with a belt!! He is a right scrawny thing! I think a lot of his weight is his big fluffy hair and his solid skull because there is nothing to the rest of him.

purple.sarah

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

You need to try to find out whether he is taking drugs. Sorry if I sound negative but the loss of appetite and low weight don't sound healthy at all.

Has he lost the weight and appetite since he started uni or was he always like that?

Sorry but I think that's a really big leap and not helpful when his mum's already worried! I haven't read anything that suggests this is anything more than him burning the candle at both ends at uni and relying on convenience food because he hasn't learned to cook yet!

Savvy_Sue

OP, when you've worked out how to stop mothering grown children, do let us all know ...

I find the best way is not to ask too many questions! When they're here, I tell them it's my DUTY to fuss over them, it's What Mums Do, etc, but at the same time I know fine well that if I don't cook or have food in the house they will sort themselves out!

pigpen wrote: »

Most of the time they would be better off buying a few bags of fruit and living off those.

Casting my mind back to the end of DS1's first term at Uni, I was very impressed to find he had a fruit bowl, and there were even apples in it.

We went to pick up DS2 at the end of his first term, and he'd made a bread pudding to share with his mates, lots of dried fruit in that.

DS3 came home with two lemons and a lime! :rotfl: I suppose no danger of scurvy, but it took me a while to work out WHY he had that and no other fruit!

purple.sarah

I know you are worried but your son is learning how to live his own life and he's made it clear he resents advice. You could try buying him a cookbook, there are some with simple recipes aimed at students. That might encourage him to eat more real food but it has to be his decision. You could also buy him healthy food and vitamins but you can't make him eat them! I think most students go through a stage of staying up late, drinking too much and eating junk before they establish their own boundaries independent of their parents, interfering will just slow this process.

Person_one

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

DS3 came home with two lemons and a lime! :rotfl: I suppose no danger of scurvy, but it took me a while to work out WHY he had that and no other fruit!

Tequila and Corona? :cool:

fluffnutter

The issue isn't how to stop mothering adult children. It's what to do about someone's who's dangerously underweight.

When I first started reading I thought 'no big deal' until I noticed that he's just 7 stone. That fact alone eclipses everything else and needs taking seriously.

silvercar

fluffnutter wrote: »

The issue isn't how to stop mothering adult children. It's what to do about someone's who's dangerously underweight.

When I first started reading I thought 'no big deal' until I noticed that he's just 7 stone. That fact alone eclipses everything else and needs taking seriously.

Some people are naturally thin. My son would love to be bigger, but its in his genes. He is also one of those people that can't sit still, constantly on the go and I'm sure that keeps his metabolism high. He does make an effort to eat a lot, more so when at home.

However, he is very conscious that he is underweight and can get a bit obsessed, so much so that I move the scales to somewhere not easily accessible when he is home. It is an issue for him and I don't want it to rule his life.

dandy-candy

Thanks for the replies. New Day I hope your daughter recovers quickly.
Ds is very anti hard drugs but I know some of his friends smoke pot so he might do it too at uni, but he never does when he's at home or comes back smelling of smoke.
He is very small build, I measured his wrist for a watch and it is 14cm. He has always been underweight but the Dr was never too concerned by it. A big part is laziness - last week as I was going out he said he was hungry so I told him there was a pizza he could bung in the oven. When I got back 3 hrs later he still hadn't eaten cos he couldn't be bothered to make it himself! Having said that, he has made stir fry at uni a few times.
I dropped him back at uni yesterday and did a food shop, and took him to lunch.
No one at home is much of a drinker, DH has a glass of cider maybe twice a month. DS is the eldest so not copying any siblings.
It is his first year of uni, and although he does very few hours (8 a week), I think he does find it stressful and also isn't sure if the subject he chose is the right one.