How to let go of mothering grown kids?

pigpen

dandy-candy wrote: »

It is his first year of uni, and although he does very few hours (8 a week), I think he does find it stressful and also isn't sure if the subject he chose is the right one.

I think many go through the uncertainty in the first year.. it is hard having to adjust to a whole new way of life without parents, maybe going alone to a new town and if you aren't an outgoing person finding new friends can be very hard.

All you can do from afar is offer advice and support and reassurance.

Is he too lazy to cook for himself? Does he devour everything you put in front of him or does he still eat very little? .. cooking for one must be very dull and seem pointless.. all that effort and no one to appreciate it. I'd do a small experiment.. spend a couple of days.. cook him breakfast and make him lunch and dinner and see how much he is actually capable/willing to eat.. if it is all eaten then I'd say he is a lazy lump and is choosing to starve himself for idleness reasons.

I'd also check he does know HOW to prepare a meal. If you have always done it for him he may not know how... get him helping in the kitchen.

Is he in Halls or a houseshare? In Halls they often have meals provided so it might be worth seeing if he could transfer there for next year. I know here 2nd year students aren't allowed in halls just first year unless there is another issue, but it might be worth asking.

claire16c

Im naturally thin but I weigh 7st 3 and Im 5. 3'', the lowest Ive weighed when I havent been ill or something is 6' 13''. So for a guy who is 4 inches taller than me, 7st does seem tiny.

However I still have fat on my hips and a bum and am about a size ten on the bottom, which guys dont tend to carry weight there and they will carry less body fat and therefore I guess weight.

However I eat 3 meals a day plus a ton of snacks. So it sounds like he only weighs so little because he isnt eating properly, not because he naturally weights 7 st.

But as others have said, hes not starving so there isnt that much you can do apart from buy him some food when you see him which youve been doing. Maybe buy him some student cook books, I had one that only required 3-5 things for each recipe so you didnt require a whole store cupboard of stuff!

valk_scot

dandy-candy wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. New Day I hope your daughter recovers quickly.
Ds is very anti hard drugs but I know some of his friends smoke pot so he might do it too at uni, but he never does when he's at home or comes back smelling of smoke.
He is very small build, I measured his wrist for a watch and it is 14cm. He has always been underweight but the Dr was never too concerned by it. A big part is laziness - last week as I was going out he said he was hungry so I told him there was a pizza he could bung in the oven. When I got back 3 hrs later he still hadn't eaten cos he couldn't be bothered to make it himself! Having said that, he has made stir fry at uni a few times.
I dropped him back at uni yesterday and did a food shop, and took him to lunch.
No one at home is much of a drinker, DH has a glass of cider maybe twice a month. DS is the eldest so not copying any siblings.
It is his first year of uni, and although he does very few hours (8 a week), I think he does find it stressful and also isn't sure if the subject he chose is the right one.

It's good to hear that you're confident he doesn't have any issues re drugs and drink. I don't think it was scaremongering to suggest you consider the possibilities though. If it boils down to him being lazy it's quite possible he's got so used to ignoring hunger pangs that he doesn't get them any more and his body metabolism has slowed down to compensate for this. One possible solution to this is to make sure he eats regular meals when at home, not only will it hopefully put a bit of weight on him but also it will remind his body that it needs to eat a bit more.

As Pigpen says, does he eat it if you put it in front of him? Does he eat with the family when he's at home? Does he eat a reasonable portion/lots, or does he just pick? If it really does boil down to him being too lazy to prep food and eat it then I do feel a firm sit down maternal chat is in order. You can't study effectively if your body is under par, for whatever reason. Your brain gets tired and sluggish, your concentration goes, you feel overwhelmed and the temptation to stay in bed with the duvet over your ears is incredible. It's unfortunate but true, your brain works best on a good night's sleep, regular exercise and good nutrition.

Incidentally re the 8 hours a week contact time? That usually means a very high self-driven learning plan, like three hours of home study to every hour contact. Home study incidentally means new learning type study, not essay or report writing or revision or assignments. So 24 hours per week self taught + 8 hours contact + assignments and revision time. (That's what OH says and he's a uni lecturer.) It's the same as doing 30 hours at school, then coming home and doing homework and revision in the evening. If your son is doing much less than this then it's possible he's not quite keeping pace with the course and that's making him stressed too? Depends on the subject of course but there's very few courses that dip lower than requiring 50 hours actual brain engaged work time per week, not if the student wants to get some decent results at the end anyway.

dandy-candy

He will stuff himself if a big meal is put in front of him, often resulting in a stomach ache after, but only once a day. After that he won't feel hungry again, but will snack on crisps etc. At home he's usually only awake for the evening meal though I do try to get him up at lunchtime.
I think he was keeping up with his studies until just before Easter when he started to struggle more. He did miss a few lessons because he was ill but I can't decipher whether that means proper ill/ lack of food/ hung over.

Savvy_Sue

Person_one wrote: »

Tequila and Corona? :cool:

TBH, when we picked him up at the end of his second year, I lost count of the empty alcohol bottles (he didn't seem to have thrown any away all year, because he knew he should recycle them, but didn't know [and was too idle to find out] what the system was in his flat.) And there were quite a few NOT empty alcohol bottles as well.

I consoled myself with the thought that he's a very sociable young man, so unlikely to have drunk it ALL himself. Please don't tell me otherwise! :rotfl:

CH27

dandy-candy wrote: »

He will stuff himself if a big meal is put in front of him, often resulting in a stomach ache after, but only once a day. After that he won't feel hungry again, but will snack on crisps etc. At home he's usually only awake for the evening meal though I do try to get him up at lunchtime.
I think he was keeping up with his studies until just before Easter when he started to struggle more. He did miss a few lessons because he was ill but I can't decipher whether that means proper ill/ lack of food/ hung over.

Maybe have a chat about how his brain needs food to function properly.
Say that if he's run down it will affect his studies.
Buy him some multivitamins too.

Beckyy

Could you get a smal amount of shopping delivered to him fortnightly or monthly? Just a few essentials so that you know he's has food there.

Other than that, I would leave him to learn and be there for him. he's young, if he makes mistakes he will learn from it and maybe value your opinion more in the future.

minimoneysaver

I think I heard that ASDA do a parent/child card duo that you can top up with money that can be used for food. Failing that do an internet shop for him! x

coinxoperated

Haha sounds like me when I moved out! I had to learn how to care for myself, got fed up of fatty junk food and went and brought a home-style cook book! Why not buy him a set of good saucepans and knives as a moving out present, along with some non-fancy cook books about how to make cheaper foods, such as pasta salads, stews, bolognaise etc

neverdespairgirl

pigpen wrote: »

My friends partner went to uni weighing about 20st by the end of the first semester he weighed 10st.. he was living on one ham sandwich a day, cereal if he had any in and drinking alcohol and tapwater. When he left and moved in with my friend he has regained most of the weight.

There must be some massive, serious exaggeration here.

10 stone lost in one term - call it 3 months, 90 days, for ease of calculation.

To lose a lb of fat, you need to take in 3,500 fewer calories than you need.

To lose 10 stone of fat, you need to take in 10 x 14 x 3,500 fewer calories than you need, or 490,000 calories in total.

490,000 calories divided by 90 days means that he would have had to consume 5,444 calories per day less than he was taking in. Even if he'd eaten nothing, not one single calorie in that university term, that would still mean he'd have been burning energy like someone trekking to the North Pole, not a student.

Clearly wrong.