How to let go of mothering grown kids?

dandy-candy

I'm having a bit of an inner battle with letting my baby (soon to be 21!) be responsible for himself. He is at uni but has been home for the last 2 weeks for Easter hols. The problem is he really doesn't take care of himself and part of me wants to get involved and keep being his mummy!
He has asthma and eczema so I always worry about him, but I've noticed that he really eats so little - just one meal a day. He is always partying and boozing pretty much nightly which I suppose is expected, but he puts having money for booze above food. He tells me sometimes all he eats is noodles and crisps. He's painfully thin (always has been) - about 5ft 7 tall but 7 stone in weight, but at least at home I was making sure he was fed. Now I've noticed he doesn't even feel hungry until about 5pm.
I said to him the other night that it was important to eat probably and I literally only got that far and he snapped back "Yes alright! I know!" Do I try to keep bringing it up and hopeful get through to him, or do I let it go? I know he's a grown up now, but I find it hard to let go when he's not taking care of himself. I do worry about him when he goes back.

pink_princess

No advice but just wanted to say you are not alone

I'll read your thread with interest as I can't cut the apron strings either.

Heffi1

Unfortunately your son is now an adult and he can decide when he feels like eating, he will not starve himself, unless you think he has an eating disorder I would leave it alone.

If he is at Uni then he will be trying to keep up with his mates and join in so again, let him.

The very worst thing you could do though, is dig him out of any financial mess he creates for himself, this is a learning period he is going through and he needs to struggle a bit on his own before he decides to grow up.

If he needs your help then he already knows he can ask for it, but remember he is now a young man and that alone will make him want to do things for himself.

Imagine how embarrassed he would feel if his mates saw that you were still running around after him at this age.

By the way my 2 are now 24 and 27 so I do realise how difficult it is to let go, but you are not helping him be independent if you do not let him fail once in a while as this is the way we learn.

Caroline_a

I think it might be more difficult to let go of boys than girls. I have 3 girls and have always encouraged them to be independent, so when they left home it was a wrench emotionally but I knew they'd be ok. i think you have to let him make his own mistakes... uni life is all about partying and booze, but most people tire of it after a while.

Does he do any form of exercise? I know that sounds like a daft thing to encourage, but it's the best way to work up an appetite! Also the 'hench' look is very fashionable for young men these days, and the girls love it. You can't do that on a diet of booze and picky meals....

thunderbird

I doubt he will continue like this for the rest of his life - unless he is regularly getting ill and you have serious worries for his health, just let him get on with it.

dandy-candy

Caroline_a wrote: »

Does he do any form of exercise? I know that sounds like a daft thing to encourage, but it's the best way to work up an appetite! Also the 'hench' look is very fashionable for young men these days, and the girls love it. You can't do that on a diet of booze and picky meals....

No, he has a really good sports centre at uni and I said I would pay his membership but he wasn't interested. He plays lots of Xbox and PC games. This holiday he has been glued to the loop often until 3 or 4 in the morning playing Sims etc.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

You need to try to find out whether he is taking drugs. Sorry if I sound negative but the loss of appetite and low weight don't sound healthy at all.

Has he lost the weight and appetite since he started uni or was he always like that?

rock_queen

I was very similar when I was at Uni. Spent the whole time partying and eating probably once a day and not much at that. He will grow out of it. Once he has finished uni and is settled in a job with regular hours he will probably start to eat more and cut down on the drinking.

My mum used to do a supermarket shop with me at the end of the holidays, perhaps you could try something like that so at least you know he has some good food in the fridge. She also used to make lots of cakes and biscuits for me to munch on.

mumonashoestring

I think pretty much every bloke I houseshared with at Uni was like that! He has nothing making him get up early (an excellent hangover deterrent), nothing making him exert himself particularly during the day (which tires you out and improves your appetite), and no-one around him saying "you eat WHAT?" (which certainly happens in my office when someone confesses to eating total rubbish too often)! As Rock Queen says, once he's out in the 'real world' his habits will change as his lifestyle does.

valk_scot

It's not uncommon for young male students to develop malnutrition issues, unfortunately. I remember a boy having to be hospitalised with scurvy (vit C deficiency) from my bf's flat. That's if there's nothing else wrong of course, he might be suffering from a drugs or alcohol problem or it might be some sort of reaction to the stress of uni. Never underestimate how stressful uni can be, some folk really try to blot out the stress by all sorts of self harm methods that abuse their bodies and denying yourself food can be one of them. Men can develop eating disorders as well as women, remember. Also check for things like cutting.

None of this is nice to think about of course but you're his mum, if you're not going to worry about him who is? There's a difference between being concerned and fussing of course so do the mental tick list with some stealth. If you come to the conclusion that he's reasonably healthy apart from being very underweight then buy him a couple of bags of groceries to take back to uni with him and think about how you can send the odd food parcel, you can set up a Tesco or similar delivery to his flat for example, if you thought he'd eat the food.

If you start to suspect there may be other issues well, not a lot you can do over the summer term, he must be about due to go back till July? Time for you to do a bit of research then before he comes home for summer , my top starter for ten would be using alcohol as self medication for stress issues actually, but it could be anything. Is his father around? Older siblings? What do they think? Any alcohol issues in the family?

liselotte

Well my son also 21 is much the same height and weight as yours and also has always been skinny and a picky eater. He just has never seemed to enjoy food. However unusually for a student I guess, he dosen't drink at all. I do worry about his poor appetite but he seems to be healthy and as he is studying overseas at the moment there isn't anything I can do anyway.