Has anyone asked for money instead of gifts?

duchy

I do think it is generational

I got married the first time in 1980 and wedding lists were very common at that time (although even then some of the older generation felt you shouldn't ask but just be grateful for what you got) but then most people were setting up home together for the first time -it was uncommon for a young couple to live together for any length of time before the wedding so a lot of the "basics" were much needed.

Personally I think it's very bad manners to ask for gifts in any form in the invitation-and any mention of what you'd like should be addressed later when your invitees ask you. As for those poems -I think they are awful - and very grabby and on principle don't give money to those .

I went off "honeymoon contributions" when I worked in a travel agency and the bride and MOB went through the contributions in the middle of a busy agency commenting on how generous/tight each gift was.

I think deep down I feel that wedding gifts are to assist a couple setting up home for the first time so if they've already lived together for years -they don't need a generous gift as they have everything... and really should have booked a honeymoon they can afford anyway.

cabriolean

Most of my friends are from fairly wealthy backgrounds, using groupon, vouchers etc. I've always been able to give a gift of similar value to what everyone else has gotten them.

You can't make money/vouchers worth more than you paid, so I'd either have to give them significantly less than what everyone else got them, really stretch my budget. If they said no presents due to space issues or whatever, I'd probably get them an experience, or spa trip or something.

When money comes into it, it's really easy to know exactly what everyone spent on you. Some of my friends can be kind of oblivious to money issues, they wouldn't be annoyed, but some of them might feel a little sad/confused, and I'd feel really embarrassed.

Also I have heard some people comparing what everyone got their friends (for their birthdays etc.) And it's not always very complimentary......

So asking directly for money/vouchers only would make me feel really awkward.

Also, those poems always seemed to me like people were saying "we know it's cheeky, and you don't have to get us anything, but get us money" I know most people don't mean that, but that's kind of how it feels when I read those.

Also don't include requests for anything in the invite, unless it's a pot roast/BYOB etc. Let people know later, and with a registry, I've noticed a lot of times people who could just buy a more expensive present choose to buy several of the cheaper items instead.........I don't know why this is, but for some reason it happens so.......

FBaby

duchy wrote: »

Personally I think it's very bad manners to ask for gifts in any form in the invitation-and any mention of what you'd like should be addressed later when your invitees ask you. As for those poems -I think they are awful - and very grabby and on principle don't give money to those .

I went off "honeymoon contributions" when I worked in a travel agency and the bride and MOB went through the contributions in the middle of a busy agency commenting on how generous/tight each gift was.

I think deep down I feel that wedding gifts are to assist a couple setting up home for the first time so if they've already lived together for years -they don't need a generous gift as they have everything... and really should have booked a honeymoon they can afford anyway.

Although I agree with the spirit of the post, I think it is a bit judgemental.

My OH and I agreed that we wouldn't ask for gifts. We don't need anything and we don't like the idea of expecting gifts, whatever they are. However, we have found that others don't see it as we do. Most of our friends, as soon as we have announced the date of our wedding and that we would be delighted to have them join us have asked what we wanted as gift and when we mumbled back that we didn't want anything, we got a 'don't be silly of course we want to get you something, just tell us what you would want.

We debated what to do, from insisting we REALLY don't want anything to opening an account with John Lewis, but what has come out the more we've talked to our friends is that they are really delighted for us, and really want to contribute to what would make us happy. We know that if we don't give them some direction, we will end up with things we don't really want or need. For exemple, my dad has already insisted he wants to pay towards our trip, but has made the assumption we wanted to go back where were went last year because we loved it. The reality is that we do want to go back there one day but not on our honeymoon.

So in the end, we have decided to ask for nothing (and definitely won't be mentioning anything in the invites) but that if people insist on contributing something, we would be grateful for cash towards our honeymoon because even though we can pay for a honeymoon abroad, we would love to do something a bit different if we can afford to.

I would never judge anyone on the amount they provide. we do not expect that those who we believe have a higher income should systematically afford more. In the end, we will be grateful for anything. That's not what the wedding day is about.

strawberry_assassin

We are planning to just put something along the lines of if people wish to give something, then we would rather have donations towards a honeymoon as otherwise we cannot afford one

colsey

My fianc!e's sister and her husband asked for travel vouchers for towards their honeymoon for their wedding presents and we are thinking of doing the same. We have been living together since October and have pretty much everything we need for the house but I don't think we would be able to afford a nice honeymoon if we didnt ask for the travel vouchers. I think this is a more common thing these days as most couples live together before they are married so dont need the normal home making presents.

daisiegg

cabriolean wrote: »

with a registry, I've noticed a lot of times people who could just buy a more expensive present choose to buy several of the cheaper items instead.........I don't know why this is, but for some reason it happens so.......

I had the opposite....we put a mixture of bigger and smaller gifts on our gift list (a list which, for the record, we did not put in the invitations and only gave to those who asked....which was everyone!) and by the end when all the big gifts had gone we had some relatives asking us if there was anything else we wanted as they wanted to buy us something 'big' rather than making up the money with a small few things. We were very careful not to appear too greedy on our gift list and make sure there were loads of smaller gifts but if I did it again, with hindsight, I'd have put on more 'big' items as this seemed to be what people wanted to buy.

KMBayes

colsey wrote: »

My fianc!e's sister and her husband asked for travel vouchers for towards their honeymoon for their wedding presents and we are thinking of doing the same. We have been living together since October and have pretty much everything we need for the house but I don't think we would be able to afford a nice honeymoon if we didnt ask for the travel vouchers. I think this is a more common thing these days as most couples live together before they are married so dont need the normal home making presents.

I've lived with the missus for 10 years and we are in the same situation. The cost of the wedding has wiped us out and a little financial assistance toward the honeymoon will make a huge difference; your guests get to buy you a memory. We opened a Trailfinders account & they supply 100 small cards that you can slip into the invitations. Travelbag and Kuoni (for those with very deep pockets!) are alternatives. The minimum donation is £10 and guests have the option of leaving a message or remaining anonymous. It's not worse than a wedding list. The key thing is to thank your guests afterwards - maybe with some cards featuring a pic from your honeymoon.

Just make sure you don't invite anyone like duchy.

BugglyB

cabriolean wrote: »

Also, those poems always seemed to me like people were saying "we know it's cheeky, and you don't have to get us anything, but get us money" I know most people don't mean that, but that's kind of how it feels when I read those.

This bit made me laugh, as thats always how I read them too!

"We don't want to be cheeky
We know that this is rude
Give us some money
Of course you dont have to give us anything
We just want you to come
But give us money"

Anyway I'll let you all know how it works out for us. Maybe we will end up with 20 toasters. In which case I'll pop them all on ebay and spend the money on gin.

Zlata

We have made up a really nice gift list on honeyfund. After checking out the various options it seemed to be the best one. It is effectively asking for money, but the website does allow to dress it up nicely! We've broken our honeymoon down into nights of accomodation or activities and then gift givers can select something in particular to contribute towards. Our intention is then to send to be able to send them a specific thank you about how much we loved that day etc.
A friend of mine had a gift list with Kuoni for their wedding and almost nobody had a problem with that. It's too early with ours to tell but I am conscious of the fact that we probably have more conservative family than they did.
Every wedding invitation I've ever received has had a gift list of some description inside it.

lisajane8482

We haven't put anything in our invitations. We don't have a toaster (I threw it out when we moved) and could do with some new towels

OH and I have had a few discussions about this and I've always thought you should be greatful what ever you receive so did not want to put anything in. We would ideally like to buy a new sofa and any cash we get will be put towards one so OH wanted to put a poem or similar in. I made the invitations therefore nothing went in.

We have been asked what we would like and I've always said that there is nothing specific we would like except for them to spend the day with us but if they do feel like they would like to give/get us something then we would like to splash out and get a new sofa after the wedding so any dontation no matter how small would be greatfully received. I was thinking of asking someone for some his and hers bathrobes as OH keeps pinching mine on a morning and it's looking a little worse for wear.

On the same hand my mum has paid for our photographer as our wedding present and my uncle has paid for the Cava for the toast. He still insits on giving us something (as "the toast drinks are not a wedding present") but I'll argue with him over this when he arrives in the UK for the wedding.