He's divorcing Me!

marisco_2

FatVonD wrote: »

I think you should just agree to it, what a fantastic message to send to him 'I'm so glad to be rid of you that I'm prepared to take the blame even though we both know the truth'

I dont think that way of thinking would make the OP feel good for long. It comes across that she feels regret and upset at how things are turning out.

pupsicola

Lexxi wrote: »

I tried and tried to make things work and got nowhere, I thought it was me for so long, I tried to fix me and change me and it didn't appease him.
He had signed up for dating sites long before I left, he was texting/phoning other women long before I left.

As far as I was concerned the marriage was well over when I got with the fling, due to the man I married telling me the marriage had been over for months and I was the only one stupid enough not to realise it

So your marriage was over in all but name when you got with your fling. This was not an affair then. Your husband had mocked you and laughed at you for not knowing your marriage had been over for months. By doing that he set you free emotionally, though that probably wasn't his plan. Why should you not move on and meet another person as and when you choose? So many people on here hung up on doing the 'right' thing, a total cant see the wood for the trees approach *sigh*

I think he has a damm nerve to hold you to account for it through the divorce proceedings considering how he has been carrying on. Contest it if you like but as others have wisely said by agrreeing to it you will be shot of him far quicker. Who cares what reason is given on a bit of paper. You know the truth and could be starting afresh far sooner by just going along with it all.

Tigsteroonie

OP, you say he wants a divorce but has he actually started proceedings? If not then you could petition for divorce first on the grounds of UB - you've been given some good advice above regarding that - but that means you'd pay the court fees & your costs and have to try to reclaim from him. If he divorces you on adultery, he'd pay the fees & have costs but try to reclaim from you.

As Fluffnutter (I think it was) said, the basis for divorce has no bearing on the financial division so he cannot penalise you financially for the fling.

It is possible to manage this yourself, being a Litigant in Person, and not be represented by solicitor but you have to be confident, strong, determined, good at paperwork, and do a lot of research!! I would highly recommend the Wikivorce website for information about the process and for a highly useful discussion forum.

sjc3

Lexxi wrote: »

He wants to name the guy, he also wants to rinse me for anything he can or at least make my life incredibly difficult financially

You want to be well shot of him as soon as possible. He told you that it was over, then mocked and laughed at you for not knowing this, months after everyone else apparently did. So you considered yourself single and got involved with someone else. Now he wants to use this against you in order to bleed you dry and try to humiliate you one last time. He sounds like a nasy piece of work to me OP.

Fight for what you are entitled to financially. I wouldn't bother arguing with the reasons he wants to state for the end of your marriage. You know the truth and he will always know that he has lied.

meer53

No-one will know the reason for your divorce anyway, let him do it his way, you'll be well shut of him. Your family and true friends will know the real reason, they're all that matters. Don't get into a mud slinging situation, it will only cost you more money.

embob74

When I divorced I was told that if I wanted to cite unreasonable behaviour on the grounds of adultery my ex had to agree to it! It was almost a decade ago but it had recently been introduced to get rid of the 'blame' culture. Most agree on 1 years separation grounds as it's easier and quicker.....assuming both parties want it to be easier and quicker.
Are you desperate to get divorced? You could always say you will wait until after 5 years of separation and then neither party needs permission from the other.

C_Mababejive

What is the problem? lets bear in mind that there was a time you were both luvdup that hey,you went and got married. All thats needed is acceptance and mutual respect.

Lexxi

I'm not that bothered about a divorce, as someone else said, when he ridiculed and mocked my attempts at saving our marriage, told everyone else he was single he set me free. I would love for things to work out between us but the person that he is it isn't going to be possible unless I compromise on everything I want from a relationship and need to be happy.
I hate the thought that he is going around and telling people I've ended the marriage because of involving someone else, it is his actions that have ended it and nothing to do with anyone else.
He has to file the papers yet, he's decided to name the man who assaulted me under the adultery also which I hope tells you what a horrible person I married, I spent a long time trying to get over what happened and he just wants to keep torturing me and doesn't want to let me move on.

We were only married 18 months when we separated last May, the 'fling' was someone I had known for a while but was basically a one off, as it was a bad idea.

mustmakealist

You might find it useful to consider any divorce and financial settlement as the two different entities that they are. The reason for the divorce should have absolutely no bearing on the financial settlement.

It sounds as though the marriage has broken down. This means that either of you can petition for divorce - it doesn't have to be him. The reason for divorce is almost irrelevant although it might not seem that way to you. Counter petitioning will not make any difference to the final outcome (you will be divorced) but would probably rack up considerable costs, so why would you do it? In the end no one needs to know the reasons for the divorce other then irreconcilable breakdown of the marriage. You can divorce without the use of a solicitor and this would keep the costs down.

The financial matters will probably be slightly different and you will probably need to seek advice for this. The starting point for most settlements would to be to put all the assets (house, savings, pension) and debts into a common pot and each gets 50%. You might want to do some simple sums yourself to see what the figures look like using any equity in the house and offset this against the debts. Only you can tell if you think it's worth getting into a long and expensive fight over what you have got to share out.

Lexxi

Ok, I've had a look through the gov.uk site, it's around £600 for court fees for the two sides. I have a pension that is worth a minuscule amount, like £50 a month, it hasn't been contributed to since before we met. I have a house here and abroad, both worth very little in the grand scheme but they are both mine, bought before we met which he hasn't contributed anything to so I really don't want to have to give him any % of any of it, especially with the mess I'm left in now.
I've applied to get my phone number changed, if he wants contact he can do it in writing, I desperately want to dig my heels in and refuse to do anything that feels like he is forcing me but, stepping back will let me see things clearer.
I have a feeling 5+ years from now I'll be filling in the forms and paying the money myself.
Thanks guys for all the replies, I was a bit worried not contesting would mean he would be entitled to what I have.

The gov site does say that the paperwork would go to the named also, would that mean I should make him aware of it, could he contest it?