He's divorcing Me!

Lexxi

I'm not going into every detail as they are dotted about the forum but...

Things hadn't been right with me and my husband, they got worse, I had a bit of a fall apart and walked out. Last March. We were supposed to be fixing things but we always seemed to be on the cusp of it.
Last November he told me that we had ended things in May everyone knew it but me, I took my wedding rings off not long after, I then also had a bit of a fling, after November.
He has since found out about the fling, he wants a divorce but wants to blame me for the fling. I can't prove which point he said it was over and when I had the fling but I can show when we stopped living together. He wants to name the guy, he also wants to rinse me for anything he can or at least make my life incredibly difficult financially. It's not like I'm worth a great deal.
I don't know what to do, I don't want the guy dragging into it, can I refuse to agree/disagree or would staying quiet automatically mean guilty. I didn't get married to get divorced and I am still coming to terms with the split really, he says he can't move on until the divorce but I think he has met someone.

sassyblue

From reading this forum I've read that it means nothing if you're named in a divorce. Not nice but it's not going to cause him any trouble.

You sound well rid! Good luck and chin up. Xx

trevorsminted

"He has since found out about the fling, he wants a divorce but wants to blame me for the fling."

Now that made me laugh ???? shame on him blaming you for that doesnt he know he forced you into the arms of another, selfish git and he has the neck to DIVORCE you, TUT TUT!

Fire_Fox

Go see a solicitor about the financial side of things, protect yourself from any possibility he can build up debt in your/ joint names, then offer to attend mediation to thrash out a settlement.

Surely you know things about him that constitutes unreasonable or embarrassing marital behaviour, things he would not want in the public domain? I would calmly state that it's fine for him to say you were having a relationship whilst still legally married but after separated, you will be counter petitioning for unreasonable behaviour and your solicitor says you have to give examples. He's only saying it to get a rise out of you, so don't give him the satisfaction.

I said this to my ex and he suddenly decided to petition for irreconcilable differences. BTW I did not have an affair, we were properly separated and definitely not getting back together, I left him due to his difficult behaviour and temper.

marisco_2

Lexxi wrote: »

He has since found out about the fling, he wants a divorce but wants to blame me for the fling.

Should he blame himself for the fact that you went off with another man? You refer to this encounter as a fling, which does suggest you were still very much in your marriage with your husband. If your relationship had broken down irrevocably and you had started divorce proceedings then getting involved with another man at that time would be at best a rebound thing, not a fling. Still not something that I feel is appropriate, as I believe in finishing one relationship completely before starting another, but that is just my view.

It never ceases to amaze me when people have flings, throw away all they had with someone, break all the trust with their partner and destroy what they shared that they then come over all surprised that they are held responsible!

He can name the other person in the divorce papers and you can contest it, in answer to your question. It would have no detrimental effect on the third party in all this, either way. What you decide to do next will depend on how you choose to view it all.

nlichtman

He will have to state the reason for the divorce he may state it as being adultery. You can contest that.

I am not about to judge you as I do not know the whole facts but I would be as honest as possible with your solicitor so they can guide you. Also nobody wants things to go to court unless they really have to. First stop will be mediation to try and sort things out as amicably as possible this is really good and will save you both money. I suggest that this is pointed out to him as he may end up with not a lot if he does not cooperate, and drags this to court barristers fees etc are not cheap.

I am a post grad law student so I hope this helps x

Lexxi

Sorry! I've been mulling over it for a few days and it made sense as I typed.
I meant he wants to name the fling as the reason for the breakdown of the marriage in the divorce. It wasn't even significant enough to call it a fling, it just sounded a bit better in writing.

I tried and tried to make things work and got nowhere, I thought it was me for so long, I tried to fix me and change me and it didn't appease him.
He had signed up for dating sites long before I left, he was texting/phoning other women long before I left.

As far as I was concerned the marriage was well over when I got with the fling, due to the man I married telling me the marriage had been over for months and I was the only one stupid enough not to realise it

marisco_2

Lexxi wrote: »

He had signed up for dating sites long before I left, he was texting/phoning other women long before I left.

As far as I was concerned the marriage was well over when I got with the fling, due to the man I married telling me the marriage had been over for months and I was the only one stupid enough not to realise it

In which case you both treated each other badly. It would seem that your marriage is beyond any kind of repair now. It is going to be a very drawn out and painful process that you will both face if you dont just agree to end it as amicably as possible, split your assets fairly and then go on with life divorced. At this time for your own future sakes you need to seperate the emotional and practical aspects of parting. They are seperate entities.

Arguing, him threatening to ruin you etc does nothing but cost you unecessarily with your solicitors.

Lexxi

Which is great advice, except I couldn't even afford legal advice, I haven't looked into any kind of financial assistance but very much doubt that I would be entitled.
I don't disagree that it boils down to 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I disagree with the fact he can claim half of something he hasn't paid a penny towards, especially when he can leave me with all the debt!
I'm quite happy to have no contact, he either wants contact or a divorce right now

marisco_2

Lexxi wrote: »

I disagree with the fact he can claim half of something he hasn't paid a penny towards, especially when he can leave me with all the debt!

Do you have a property with both names on the mortgage? Is the debt solely in your name?

Lexxi

The mortgage is in my name, bought a few years before him. Debts is in my name, acquired entirely after meeting him!