He's divorcing Me!

coolcait

Lexxi wrote: »

I'm not going into every detail as they are dotted about the forum but...

Things hadn't been right with me and my husband, they got worse, I had a bit of a fall apart and walked out. Last March. We were supposed to be fixing things but we always seemed to be on the cusp of it.
Last November he told me that we had ended things in May everyone knew it but me, I took my wedding rings off not long after, I then also had a bit of a fling, after November.
He has since found out about the fling, he wants a divorce but wants to blame me for the fling. I can't prove which point he said it was over and when I had the fling but I can show when we stopped living together. He wants to name the guy, he also wants to rinse me for anything he can or at least make my life incredibly difficult financially. It's not like I'm worth a great deal.
I don't know what to do, I don't want the guy dragging into it, can I refuse to agree/disagree or would staying quiet automatically mean guilty. I didn't get married to get divorced and I am still coming to terms with the split really, he says he can't move on until the divorce but I think he has met someone.

After reading all of your posts on this thread, I think that you probably need to word things more carefully in any court papers.

Talking about a 'fling' makes it sound as if you had a self-indulgent affair, while you were still in a marriage.

Yet, that's not what comes across in your posts.

To me it sounds more like this:

"I left my husband last March, for various reasons. We did try to fix things, but never seemed to 'get there'.

Last November, he told me that our relationship had 'been over' since May of that year. And that everyone knew it except me.

I accepted the truth of this statement, and stopped wearing my wedding ring shortly afterwards.

My relationship, my marriage, was over.

Having been told by my former husband that our relationship no longer existed, and that everyone knew this, I considered myself a single person.

A short time after my former husband had informed that our relationship was over, I met a man. I developed a relationship with him, as a single person, but it did not last."


Take the divorce arguments from there.

Fire_Fox

Lexxi wrote: »

Which is great advice, except I couldn't even afford legal advice, I haven't looked into any kind of financial assistance but very much doubt that I would be entitled.
I don't disagree that it boils down to 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I disagree with the fact he can claim half of something he hasn't paid a penny towards, especially when he can leave me with all the debt!
I'm quite happy to have no contact, he either wants contact or a divorce right now

You are responsible for all debt in your own name and some/ all debt in joint names (depends), any debt in your sole name was your choice it's too late to complain about that and bring it up now whatever the underlying circumstances. He may be able to claim half of things he has not paid for, depends if they are in joint names or if he can demonstrate contributing to the household/ relationship in other ways. Again if you want to protect your interest there were ways of doing that, people tend not to because they think marriage is forever, but it is possible.

Deal with what your legal rights are not what seems 'fair' because you will end up in an expensive legal battle if you get entrenched, that means seeing a solicitor for initial advice then offering mediation. Legal fees are paid out of the settlement at the end, you don't need to pay as you go along unless there are no assets.

marisco_2

If your mortgage is paid from a joint account where your combined incomes have been placed it is difficult to prove that he hasn't contributed. It could also be argued that he met costs that went toward the running of the property, day to day living expenses and supported your lifestyles etc. Its not as clear cut as you might hope.

Another thing that is always considered is how long you have been married for and whether there are children in the equation. This often effects how assets are split.

What level or equity is in the house and what is the level of debt? I dont expect you to state this on a public forum if you would rather not but if it is a substantial amount then you cant afford not to have a solicitor, take full legal advice and get this sorted officially.

Lexxi

So would I need to fill in a defence, I've never done this before.
He told me at the start of the year he wanted a divorce and all I knew about it was that it would cost money I didn't have.
I just wasn't sure if he could tell people he was single/living alone but then claim I had committed adultery after this.
There was counselling, for me, then us, I really tried to sort things. I just couldn't do much else when he told me it was over and everyone was laughing because I was too thick to realise it was over.

Lexxi

Sorry, it took me so long to reply to coolcait's post.

No children, the house was rented out, he worked away, I went with him. The house became empty and I moved in for breathing space but stayed while we worked things out. We never lived here together as husband and wife, he refused. All bills were covered by the rent, there was no contribution from him.

The debt is in my name and I know that it is spilt milk now, he agreed to put something to it, although this was verbal.

Fishingtime

These days it does not matter if you were to blame for the marriage breakdown through having a fling ( which I know is not your case )
But years ago women especially did not want that putting down as the reason, as it was always in the local paper, who got divorced and for what reason.
Does anyone else remember them days

marisco_2

I divorced my husband on the grounds of being violent and abusive. My solicitor sent papers to his solicitor and my ex decided not to contest anything and signed it. Had he decided to contest my claims, then paperwork could have been flying back and forth costing us more money all the while, till heaven knows when.

From the last comment you made it would seem that any love or respect that was once shared between you both has gone completely. It appears you feel backed into a corner, over the divorce proceeding smoothly, only if you agree to your husbands claims that you had a fling. I think you have some difficult decisions ahead.

marisco_2

Fishingtime wrote: »

These days it does not matter if you were to blame for the marriage breakdown through having a fling ( which I know is not your case )
But years ago women especially did not want that putting down as the reason, as it was always in the local paper, who got divorced and for what reason.
Does anyone else remember them days

The name and shame days!

pigpen

You can counter petition or you can say while you disagree with the reasons stated in the petition you are willing to go ahead with the divorce.. KH threatened to do this to me so I got in first and divorced him.

Lexxi

I know I do, I want to argue with your love/resepect comment but I'm not sure how, or why, I loved the man I married, the man that I left isn't the same person, neither is the one preparing to mud sling. I had respect for him once but now it's gone.
At one point I would have given anything for things to work out. I really don't want to go down the court route, guess I'll have to see how what happens next. He isn't exactly a man of high morals so why needing a divorce is stopping him from moving on I don't know, especially with the length of time it can take