leaving children on their own?

poet123

FBaby wrote: »

Very interesting though how some jumped to the conclusion that my stating that my son was concerned with doors being locked meant he was worried and/or anxious.

Again, it shows how overprotected kids are in this country. Being concerned about something does not mean being worried. You can be concerned out of interest, out of awareness or out of a sense of responsibility. If my son was so worried by nature, would he have suggested himself that he could get home on the bus? The example of the travel insurance wasn't a case of being worried, but because I had explained to him in the past why it was important to take insurance and he remembered, pure and simple, nothing about him being scared that I would be landed with a massive bill if one of us had to go to hospital!!

Many kids who suffer from anxieties are those brought up to think they are not capable of doing things themselves, so when they are exposed to it, they assume they will fail. There is such a strong message in telling kids they can't do something because they are not 'old enough', which a kid will read as 'not clever or good enough' or because they assume they will be 'up to no good', which will inevitably result in them being 'up to no good' since that was is expected of them.

I am not quite sure how you construed this from previous comments? There are age restrictions on many things and for good reason. Certainly my kids were never not allowed to do things from the standpoint of "they would be up to no good" usually kids meet your expectations and they knew ours were high (from a behavioural pov)

If they fail because they are too young to cope how does that fill them with confidence? Surely better that they tackle age appropriate things and succeed?

I don't think that facilitating a worry free childhood is being over protective I think it is giving them the grounding to grow from at their own pace, rather than forcing adult cares and responsibilities onto them when they need not have them.

Your point was that it denoted maturity to think about locking doors, travel insurance etc, I put an alternative pov. Certainly it is not the norm for the nine year olds I have been involved with to behave that way, and yet none of them struggled to cope with adult issues at an appropriate age; when they were adults and had to do so.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

If a child suffers from anxiety, whatever the cause, then that needs to be tackled with whichever means necessary.

The point is that it is not because a child shows a particular interest in 'adult' matters that he must be suffering from anxiety.

You know your own son best of course, but does the switching off all the sockets at night not worry you a bit? I've never done that and I'm a lot older than 9!

My brother was really into flags and countries at that age too, he still remembers really obscure ones like Samoa or Belize.

FBaby

And maybe in my case it is in the genes. I lived on my own and in my own flat when I was 16. You would have thought recipe for disaster! Well I was the most boring teenager possible, totally focused on my studies. I lived on my own for two years, didn't have one party, only one friend over occasionally. I did touch a cigarette, never bought or brought back a bottle of alcohol, never had a boy over. I studied for my 'a' levels and got very good results.

I think it was always in my nature to be responsible and not interested in trouble (as I think my son is), but also was brought up with trust from my parents. I used to think they were just lucky that I turned out as I did, but I realised as an adult that they were keeping a much closer eye on me than I thought, they just did believe that I could be responsible and I proved them right.

FBaby

poet123 wrote: »

I am not quite sure how you construed this from previous comments? There are age restrictions on many things and for good reason. Certainly my kids were never not allowed to do things from the standpoint of "they would be up to no good" usually kids meet your expectations and they knew ours were high (from a behavioural pov)

I didn't not based the highlighted comment on anything said here, just expressing my belief, although there was one post stating that kids left alone at that age would get up to trouble because they were left alone.

If they fail because they are too young to cope how does that fill them with confidence? Surely better that they tackle age appropriate things and succeed?

But it is not about the age itself, it's about the maturity of the child. As it happens, both my kids are mature for their age, but I could have had a child with a totally different personality and I wouldn't have allowed them to do at 12 what my son could do at 8. It's about adjusting to their capabilities, not their age. I was very surprised to discover that children as young as 8 are allowed to go to the cinema on their own. Totally fine with my children, but I would have thought it to be completely unreasonable for some children of that age.

I don't think that facilitating a worry free childhood is being over protective I think it is giving them the grounding to grow from at their own pace, rather than forcing adult cares and responsibilities onto them when they need not have them.

Again, you are falling into the trap of assumptions. Who said that my children are forced into adult cares and responsibilities? They ask questions, I respond according to their age. I personally hate to hear parents responding to their kids' questions by 'it's none of your business, you are too young anyway'. How do you decide that they don't 'need' to know something? Just based on their age? If they ask you a question, do you respond that as they are 10 yo minus a day, they are too young to know the answer, but in two days time it will be ok? Of course not.

Your point was that it denoted maturity to think about locking doors, travel insurance etc, I put an alternative pov. Certainly it is not the norm for the nine year olds I have been involved with to behave that way, and yet none of them struggled to cope with adult issues at an appropriate age; when they were adults and had to do so.

I am of course basing my views on generalities, on seeing how unprepared young adults seem to be nowadays. I think a lot of them struggle to cope with adults related issues. Many end up in debts because they had never learn the concept of budgeting. How many young adults go on holiday and don't think for a second about taking travel insurance because they were never told about it, and if mummy or daddy are not their to remind them, they are oblivious to it?

FBaby

Person_one wrote: »

You know your own son best of course, but does the switching off all the sockets at night not worry you a bit? I've never done that and I'm a lot older than 9!

My brother was really into flags and countries at that age too, he still remembers really obscure ones like Samoa or Belize.

No, it doesn't worry me because it is copied from my partner. He doesn't do it because he worries that otherwise the house could go on fire, but because my partner once said that it saved electricity and it stayed in his head. My son is a thinker, so when he hears something, he processes it quickly.

He first asked me about insurance when he was about 6 having heard me saying that I needed to go on the internet to get a better deal. He asked me what it was, I explained the concept in simple words. One day, we were at Tesco and I couldn't open the zip of my wallet. I was getting a bit annoyed and he asked me whether I had insurance on it so I could get a new one That did make me laugh.

zagfles

Person_one wrote: »

You know your own son best of course, but does the switching off all the sockets at night not worry you a bit? I've never done that and I'm a lot older than 9!

But why should that be a worry? It may be illogical or over-cautious, but it's something the child has control over. They can unplug the sockets and sleep easy.

Compare to a typical "childish" worry, such as death, or burglars, which caused me great worry when I was young. I knew both existed, and knew there was nothing I could do or my parents could say to make the worry go away.

Having "childish" worries may fit more in with how you expect a child to be, but it doesn't mean they are any easier for the child to deal with, they are often harder and cause far more stress and anxiety.

zagfles

FBaby wrote: »

Again, you are falling into the trap of assumptions. Who said that my children are forced into adult cares and responsibilities? They ask questions, I respond according to their age. I personally hate to hear parents responding to their kids' questions by 'it's none of your business, you are too young anyway'. How do you decide that they don't 'need' to know something? Just based on their age? If they ask you a question, do you respond that as they are 10 yo minus a day, they are too young to know the answer, but in two days time it will be ok? Of course not.

Yes, it's important to let the child set the pace. All too often I see the opposite happen, such as parents referring to their school-age children as "my babies", err, no they're not. I know one child whose mother does this often in front of her and she absolutely hates it - she's one of the most responsible kids I know and calling her a baby is just so belittling, yet the mother constantly fails to realise this, and yes she has been told. She doesn't want a responsible, mature kid, she wants a baby to look after.

The point is not comparing polar extremes, but to realise it's important to go at the child's pace, and a child maturing quickly should not be a cause for concern, quite the opposite. It seems it's often the parents are not so much concerned about their child's welfare, but because their "babies" are growing up. Well tough, it happens, like it or not! You can't stop it, so why try?

GobbledyGook

I'm glad you have it sorted OP.

I think it's one of those questions though that only you and you OH could answer because it entirely depends on the child/ren.

I could easily leave my eldest. She's the calmest and most level headed child I know, I've no real idea where she gets it's from! She was out with her friend and their family when friends younger sibling fell from a wall and was knocked out and broke their leg.The child's mother went to pieces. At 9 DD1 took complete control, shouting at her friend to take her other sibling to the park ranger for help etc. in our house she's the one most likely to row her father for leaving things where people can trip over them. Give her a good book and she would likely be in the same spot when I got back.

Younger daughter. Well younger daughter will probably be allowed to play in the garden unsupervised when she's 14 and around then I might think about letting her walk to school herself! She's impulsive, easily led, has no risk assessing skills whatsoever and is incredibly impatient.

It completely depends on the child's personality which is why there's no set age.

poet123

I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one! I don't think that any child of nine should have to be responsible enough to be left alone simply because a parent wants to, or even "has" to put something else first. Nor do I think that cloaking that responsibiity as "maturity" makes it any different. Yes, children are all different and may appear to be able to cope, but if push comes to shove I would rather err on the side of caution and be safe rather than sorry.

moomoomama27

I'm glad you got your childcare sorted because IMO the ages of your children being left alone is far too young! I'm shocked that anyone would consider for a moment that length of time!!

It doesn't really matter how mature you think a 9/10 yr old is, how sensible they are, they can be completely different in an emergency! How any adults think they know what they would do in an emergency, yet when it happens go to pieces! I would never live with myself if I caused that to happen because I made a bad choice in thinking my 9/10 yr old was sensible and responsible enough to be left alone to cope for that length of time!