Thinking of moving in with other man- am I mad?

that's_another_fine_mess!

I apologise for the length of this post and for logging on as a new user but, as a regular Member, I am ashamed and don't want to be recognised.

I'm a 30 year old mum with a year old daughter and a partner of over 10 years. I love him, he's nice looking, he's extremely good in bed and he can be funny and good company but he works all the hours under the sun (almost literally) and when he isn't working he plays sport for a local pub team (1-2 nights per week), so I very rarely see him. I have a part-time professional job which is very well paid and which took me a long time to become qualified- we could live on my wages if we had to. I do Everything in the house (which I'm struggling to keep up with) and run his business. We have a good quality of life financially but no quality of life emotionally.

Until I had my daughter I lived for my job and also worked round the clock. We didn't see each other much then but it didn't seem to matter so much and we got on well when we did see each other. My pregnancy was very much my responsibility (although it was his idea to have a baby- I was quite happy as I was) and he was very unsupportive. The first few months of the baby's life were the loneliest time I have ever had and I thought about just walking out every day (taking her with me, as I love her more than anything) and leaving everything (including the house, all my things and mountains of washing, ironing etc. which seem to have grown out of nowhere).
I hardly ever see my partner now. Although we live together and he works from an outbuilding at home he only sees us for 15-30 minutes per day, whilst he eats his tea, and then he comes in after I've gone to bed. We have people calling at the house all the time wanting work done, and most nights he has someone working with him so my spending time out there isn't really an option. This happens 6-7 days per week. He knows how lonely I feel but insists he is working so hard to improve our lifes and will not cut down. we don't need the money that badly in my opinion (I paid our mortgage off so we're £800 per month better off, and we have good savings). I'm sure he loves the baby now but he never spends time on his own with her and is very, very strict (partly with her but also with the dog who spends most of his time cowering from him which I find abhorrent). He also swears and shouts at the dog in front of the baby sometimes which i find upsetting and can't be good for her.

Now, to make matters worse, I think I am falling in love with someone I come into contact with through work. This man has been friends with me for years but, due to the nature of my job, I have had to meet him on the quiet (any relationship outside work would be considered an unprofessional relationship and would almost certainly mean that I had to leave). He is quite a bit older than me, a real flirt and has been in a serious long-term relationship with a married woman until recently. I've always liked him and used to daydream about us getting together although I had slight reservations as I think he is probably a bit selfish and could possibly be controlling. I slept with him once, a few years ago, but it wasn't great. (That is the only time I've ever even thought about being disloyal to my partner.) He has now announced that he knows I'm unhappy at home and he wants me to move in with him as he's fed up with being on his own. He says he will take my daughter in too, as if she's his own and will pay for her to attend a private school etc, and i am so tempted, although I'm scared that I'll have to give up my job and goodness knows what else I can do that will pay a similar amount. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick even thinking about the hurt that I could cause my partner and our families but the situation at home is spiralling downwards out of control and some days I find I sit and sob and am so depressed and I have no one to talk to. I am terrified that if I go to him, this man's womanising ways will resurface and I'll be hurt and so will my daughter but if I don't, nothing will change and I'll resent my partner. I know I stand to lose my partner and probably my house, as I couldn't bring myself to force a sale as it's his livlihood as well as his home. Please, please help.

ooobedoo

I don't think you are mad, I think you have been very tolerent. I don't know what the solution is but I think whatever you decide, you have to tell partner how you feel and don't let him dismiss you.

Take care and hope it all works out whatever happens

daphne_descends

Your situation sounds like a nightmare and I don't know how you manage - sitting here I am thinking 'I wouldn't stand for that !!!! if my OH only saw me for 15 minutes a day'.... but I appreciate everything changes when it is happening to you.

The second guy sounds like a bit of a loser really. He likes attached women - will he tire of you once you leave? That would be my worry. If you were sure of how you felt, obviously you wouldn't be asking us, so I'd listen to that doubt.

My advice - purely on what you've posted, without trying to make too many assumptions - would be to leave if you think there's no rescuing your current relationship - but be on your own.

Is the attraction of the second guy there because it's an 'escape'? Or because you ARE falling in love? I think sometimes we can get close to convincing ourselves we feel something because it will pay off.... but not always for the heart.

I_know_how_you_feel

Hi

I have just registered under a new username to answer your post as I am also a regular user. You are the first person i've EVER told about this.

I have been in a situation so similar to yours that I could of written your post myself. The only difference was that I didn't have any kids at the time.

A fair few years ago my partner was working every hour god sent. I was so unhappy that I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. When my partner did come home he was moody and unresponsive. I didn't even know why I bothered to stay anymore. I had given up alot to be with my partner and i felt pretty cheated at this point in time.

I then met a guy through work. He used to tell me how pretty and amazing I was - the exact opposite of what I was getting from my partner at the time. I broke up with my partner and went with this guy.

To cut a very long story short. It took me about a week to realise what a terrible mistake i'd made. This new guy was nasty, jealous and scared the living hell out of me. My then ex partner called me up and begged me to come home to talk. We had a very frank discussion about our relationship. I told him that his work pattern had to change otherwise i was out. He got some stuff of his chest and vice versa.

Well, umpteen years down the line we are now married and very happy.

So, what I learned -

1) You MUST talk to your partner about this. Chances are he doesn't know how STRONGLY you feel about all this. If he still doesn't get the message then you need to tell him 'Its us or your work'.

2) Ah, the old 'grass is greener on the other side' adage. Not strictly true. In both our cases definately NOT true. You are leaning towards his guy because he is giving you the attention your craving from your husband. You already doubt whether you would be happy with him so for gods sake don't throw away everything you have now for him.

3) IF you really have exhausted every avenue with your husband and still can't find it in your heart to work things out then take some time out on your own. Don't jump from one destructive relationship to another as its very unhealthy and you'll never be happy.

I hope this has helped you a little bit and feel free to PM me or something.

Errata

The words frying and pan and fire spring to mind! If you're no longer willing to put up with an unequal partnership with your current partner, sit down and negotiate something different with him. If he won't change, kick him out or move out yourself and try life on your own and give yourself chance to get over one relationship before starting another one.

SSB

Sounds like you need to work out who you are/what do you want. There is always the option of leaving your OH and living independently with your child. Why are you compromising like this? Your partner does not invest any time/effort/love to you or his child, you already live a solitary life and it is not a good example of loving relationship to her.
Are you there because you are scared to be alone? It is rarely wise to move in with someone else straightaway, it would be important for you to make a clean break with your OH first.
Never mind what your family and friends would say; if they truly love you, they will support you no matter what. We only have one life, live it bravely.

chmmy

I think it would be best to try to keep your job- at all costs. You will have choices if you are financially independent. There's no doubt that the first year with a small baby can be very difficult and puts so much stress on a relationship. I agree that you need to talk to DH.

Look after yourself, get lots of sleep, eat well, focus on your daughter, and find for sure if the other man is what you really want for keeps or just escapism from your unhappiness at the moment. What I mean is maybe dont rush into anything, keep it ticking over, and take your time to make such a huge decision, making sure you've tried everything. Good luck, you sound like you've achieved so much in your life already.xxx

kickstart_3

I wouldnt want to comment on your relationship really , but would say ..sort one mess out before moving on to something else, If you are going to leave , do it for yourself and not because there is another man waiting, Take time out to find yourself before jumping into another relationship.

Bennifred

that's_another_fine_mess! wrote: »

....... I do Everything in the house (which I'm struggling to keep up with) ...... We have a good quality of life financially ..........mountains of washing, ironing etc. which seem to have grown out of nowhere). .......


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Apart from the emotional quandry (which previous posters have addressed), I think one practical aspect of your difficulties which could be sorted without too much thinking about would be to get a cleaner/ironing person! Put some of that money to good use i.e. making your life easier! I hope this doesn't sound facetious (sp?) but it's easy to be swamped by all that household stuff when you have a littlie and to be so overwhelmed you forget all the good parts of your life.

vickitoria100

i couldn't agree with i know how you feel and others more. are you SURE you love this new man or are just infatuated with him as he's giving you attention?

you have already said you love your partner and i believe you - you talked so warmly of him in your posts. i do not know how you really feel deep down but it sounds like the latter. if the love is still there then you have a lot to work on. you should use this as a positive and talk to your partner and discuss properly how tempted you are but that you love him etc and try and encourage a better work life balance.

from what i've seen from your post, you need to give your relationship with your partner more of a chance than this. it deserves that. if it doesn't improve than fine. or if you really love this new man fine. but if you're confused i think you need to use this as the catalist for change.

as bennifred says, surly you can use some of this money to give you BOTH a better quality of life, employ someone else, maybe get a little part time job yourself just to give yourself some independence and a sense that your not your partner's cleaner!

good luck

Zara33

that's another fine mess! i don't think you are falling in love with this other bloke, i think you believe the grass is greener on the other side and i suspect that if you were to leave your partner and live with this other bloke you would find this out.

His offer appears very tempting you at the moment because your having a few problems with your partner at the moment, but if you weren't having problems would you even go there?

Also being disloyal to your partner is a big no no!